Brief Battle; Baby Banter

I owe you the rest of Mandy's story. Don't worry. It's coming. Last night was tiring as I dealt with Son and his math homework that is based on the CMTs he is taking this month - ALL month. (That's the Connecticut Mastery Test, for you non-locals.) Two packets of 13-page math multiple choice. Insane. The long and the short of this is it's like pulling teeth trying to explain the stuff to him that he doesn't get and eventually, when it was all over, he asked me if I thought he was stupid.

By then I was annoyed and fed up with the whole thing because we repeat this scene nearly every homework session. I know what he wants but I'm stubborn.

"What do YOU think? Do YOU think you're stupid," I ask him.

Shrugs his shoulders that he doesn't know. I guess my telling him he's smart countless times just isn't enough.

"I think you don't try. I think when you do give it that one shot, you then give up when you don't get it. I think you don't think on your own. I think you keep waiting on me to hand you answers but I never have before so why would I start now? I don't understand that way of doing things. I think you come home, rush through your homework to play and watch TV and play on the Wii. When I come home you say you didn't understand something but suddenly you do just because I read it out loud. I think it bugs me a lot because I should be coming home to check homework with you, not do it for the first time when you've been home for hours. And no matter how I try to help you think about a problem more than one way, it just isn't getting in and I don't know how to help you. That's what I think."

Of course after I calmed down I had to find the strength to tell him - again - that I know what he's capable of and the fact the he does well in school and every teacher has said so is just one example of that. I just don't know why he can't bring that ability home with him.

I had to tell him that it's time for him to understand that parents are human and sometimes we don't say the right things; sometimes we say one thing but mean another; sometimes we just don't have it in us to build someone else that day when we're probably needing to build ourselves.

"You have to remember, no matter what I say or your daddy says or ANY adult says to you that may hurt your feelings at that time, YOU have to believe in YOU. You have to know you are smart and able. You have to hold on to that no matter what. I tell you and I tell you but you have to tell yourself too and believe it and fight to keep it because one day you are going to be gone and on your own and you may not have anyone around to tell you you can do it. You have to tell yourself."

And I look at that face and how big he is now and all I can see is a little boy who still has no clue of the power within himself. I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

But if I could just have him back as a baby sometimes, that would be so cool. It was SOOOO much easier then. My nephew, by the way? He's perfection and for the first time I saw both of my kids in his face.



He is their spitting image at this age of four months. To hold him right now would be as close as I could get to holding mine again. Too bad he's so far away.

UPDATE: Came home tonight after writing this post today and saw the kids' report card. Both are doing great. One thing the teacher said in her comment about Son? "(Son) is strong in math." What the heck, man! What IS that about? Why at school and blank stares at home? Sigh. As they say, as long as the kids are representing you well in public and doing as they should, count your blessings.

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