Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Happy Anniversary/Birthdays and Not So Happy Stuff

It's quite a 24 hours thus far. So much milling about in my mind.

My girlfriend of 30 plus years just emailed me to tell me she had her first baby - about a month early - on the 9th.

Today marks the 2nd year of my being on my fabulous job.

Today also marks my mother's 57th birthday and my parents' 37th wedding anniversary.

All wonderful milestones.

But last night I found out that someone I know and her husband are separating. I suppose this one hits me hard because she's only a year older than I am. (I think. Could be wrong. It may only be a few months difference.) Maybe because she has 2 kids not too far away in age from my own. Maybe because she and her husband do the schedule shuffle as well or even better than Mr. T and I do. I've always been in awe of how she juggled it all - MAJOR position in the company, family, author, horrible commute - but she does, every single day. And now I wonder if any of that took a toll on this woman's familial harmony. I am sad for her but I don't know if that's appropriate since no one really knows what someone else is living with in a marriage and for all I know she may be about to come up for the very breath of life she needed to keep from drowning. You just never know.

I told Mr. T. "All you can do is pray for her," he said. Very true. Glad he reminded me. Sometimes I forget the power we have in that. I know very well how prayer moves mountains. I would love to hear that the pieces fell back in place for her but what that final puzzle looks like may still not be what I'd think it should be. So I simply pray for God to grant her peace and light the way for her; to give her children the comfort to know that none of this is their fault; to simply make it clear that He is there. Because only He and she know what's truly the best move for her.

I had a friend come over last night to pick something up and she and I got on the topic of marriage as well because hers is a challenge. Huge challenge. Hers is a matter of communication but mine could use some improvement there too. (One of these days, I'm gonna publish the post I wrote from a few weeks ago when I was about ready to hang Mr. T. with his own shoelaces.) The difference is if she had it to do all over again, she wouldn't. Not to him. Mr. T and I, on the other hand, got mentally and spiritually married so long ago that I do feel like he's just part of me and no matter how annoying he can be, cutting him off would be like cutting of my own leg. It wasn't an intentional marrying of the minds, mind you. Just one of those things where no matter how many times we separated, no matter who else we went out with - and I did - it always came back to us so give it up and get married already and just deal with it. So we did. My friend? Well, I just keep talking positive to her though I understand her points and concur from time to time. But I won't say anything disparaging to anyone about their marriage because who am I to do that? Certainly not the epitome of perfect relationships. And I wouldn't be a friend if I did. She hasn't been married as long as I have either so I try to encourage her in that way. You learn, you grow, no one really changes, everyone just comes to varying states of acceptance. I've had to say that to my girlfriend who just had the baby too. She got married a little over a year after I did after catching the bouquet at my wedding. (I was a pregnant piece of pink bubble gum in her wedding.I won't show you pictures.) She and her husband had a VERY rough start. We haven't talked in awhile. I hope things are calm now.

But all this marriage talk continues to prove one thing to me and I tell it to every bride-to-be I know. (Grooms-to-be too.) I don't care how perfect things are. I don't care if you live together (and I've got 2 examples of how it doesn't matter). I don't care if you agree on every single thing. Marriage is simply a different state of mind and after you get married, sooner or later you will see that. People DO NOT change. They simply become more relaxed, sometimes a little lazy, until eventually it boils down to everyone's true essence being revealed and then you come face to face with "can I continue to live with this?" No one shows all their colors upfront and years of dating won't convince me that they do. Even marriage counseling - as vital as it is and I beg everyone to do it if only to give yourselves a fighting chance - can't prepare you for everything. You have to live it. The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be.

Mr. T. agreed with me, shrugging in his usual laid back manner as he made the kids' lunches for today. "Oh yeah. Marriage is work for everyone." I give him the eye.

"It's a huge, huge commitment," I tell him.


I just look at him.

"What? I'm still here, aren't I?" he said. Exactly.

"So am I."

No comments: