Countdown to 40

It's Dec 1. That means I have 17 more days until I say goodbye to my 30s forever. What will that mean? Probably not much, I think. After all, I've been in the year of my 40th birthday for over 300 days already so I'm already used to thinking 40 even if I'm not saying it yet.

Will 40 bring an epiphany? I doubt it. All of my major shifts in life have happened in somewhat off years. I clearly remember finally feeling like an adult when I turned 24, over a year after I had moved away from home and was totally on my own in a state where I knew no one. The year I was 34 was the year I made the emotional and mental shift from balancing my desires with the traditional way of living life - 9-to-5 job and all that boring stuff - to making what I want and need my priority and excluding from my life anything and anyone that didn't bring something I wanted in my life, including traditional jobs. And now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure I was 14 when I first decided on a career path, which I ultimately diverted from though it's still part of what I do in my business. Hmm. Hadn't made that connection until just now. Interesting. But by that logic, I won't hit whatever 40s bring you until I turn 44, I suppose.

I'm in no rush to be mid-40s, but I am curious about what that shift might be. I already say what I think. (Never have been good at hiding my feelings.) So that can't be it. I suppose there is always room for improvement in how I feel about my physical self, but that's already in hand too so hopefully I'll just be in a better place by then. Only God knows what's coming, but I'm open to it (if it's good or at least stuff I can handle). My 20s flew by. My 30s have been wonderfully slow and productive. I think my 40s have some good things in store that I don't expect. Bring it!

39 and Counting

Loads of Facebook messages last night and this morning. Extremely useful gifts from the gals in my department that I absolutely love. Is it sad that white out makes me happy? Oh, that little container on the left is hand sanitizer. Yep. Love that too.



Cupcakes from the baker in our group.


Fighting off the stupid office dog in defiance as he tries to take stuff out of my trash and steal my cupcakes.

So far I feel the same as I did last year and the year before that and the year I turned 30. But I am well aware that I will be entering new territory next year because something about 40, even 39, just feels so....mainstream. I am old enough for everything, except retirement, and no one is even questioning if I can buy alcohol or cigarettes, not that I'd want to. Yuck. No one looks at me twice if I say my kids are young or if I said I had teenagers. I could easily go either way. I am old enough to have graduated college childless and now be the mother of a college graduate. Wow. Gotta get off this train of thought.

Counting. I have a good husband (I am helping a friend to move to her own apartment this weekend because her 3-year marriage is just about done. Mine ain't perfect but I ain't miserable and I still like him so thank you God). Two pretty perfect kids in light of the brats who have crossed my path over the years. A job I still love and that pays me as well or better than I would have hoped to be making by now, but I wasn't sure what that would be anyway. I am, after all, in the topsy-turvey, financially unpredictable world of writing and editing. I have a home I love. I am in touch with all the important people from 1st grade on. I have local friends I can count on like family and family who know the meaning of the word. I need to lose weight (as usual) but despite that (and the eczema), I don't have one health issue worth losing sleep over and not one doctor is telling me I'm the borderline of anything. I belong to a church that doesn't make me feel unworthy or like I am still missing something and even though it is a large church, plenty of people know my name. (I can't remember all theirs though. That's another issue.) I know my spiritual gifts and my passions and I exercise them daily. I can drive. (I couldn't do that until I was 21.) I'm not afraid to be alone. My regrets can still fit on less than 5 fingers. I have hope for all sorts of things yet to come.

I'm sure there are more blessings to count, but I think this should tide me over for the day. Thank you God for another year. Ah, sweet 39.

So, um, God? Take your time with 2010, OK? Thanks!

Another Precious Year

38 today. Wow. It's kinda weird to see that in writing.

Daughter said I will be old soon but I think she's 5 and dazzled by the freedom of her youth. Silly rabbit.

It's was sweet to open my laptop this morning and see "Happy Birthday" and heart stickers on it. It was funny to see a card from my editorial/IT co-workers and to have chocolate on chocolate cake. How'd they guess that? :-) My laptop now sits on my purple lapdesk on my outstretched legs as I write this right now, courtesy of these same co-workers, and even though it wasn't planned for me specifically, I even got a beautiful red Swingline stapler via the Yankee swap and that too was awesome. And lunch! Don't forget my birthday lunch that one co-worker/friend took me to.

Sweet, sweet, sweet.

Lots of birthday wishes on Facebook, an ice cream cake and my son reading to his sister AND helping her finish her homework so I can eat my cake and chill. Now THAT was the best gift of all.

Husband has to go to work so I get the bed to myself.

Oh yes. It's been a very good day.

Birthday Buddies

I should have taken more pictures. I should have blogged on the actual day but I was so busy on Friday buying my son a much needed dresser and getting food and such for his slumber party that I didn't even think of a picture - besides the official blowing out of the cake (trick candles and all) - until the next day.

Son turned 8 - my favorite number - and 3 of his friends came over to wish him a happy one, but only 2 stayed the night - and stayed up ALL night, at that.

Daughter, so cute she is, played the hostess, helping me get things together, taking the presents the boys brought over, arranging their things in Son's room. She knew it was his special time and I had already told her to let him have his space but she must be a part of things because he is her brother and her best friend and sometimes she acts like she's the big sister and....darn it! My kids are truly adorable sometimes! My girlfriend brought her 8-year-old daughter (one of the remaining members of the trio since the other one moved South) and her daughter's 10-year-old sister. So my Daughter claimed them as HER guests and had her own fun for awhile. When it comes to playmates, age is nothing but a number for dear Daughter.

Son was in his glory because it all somehow turned into a DS party. His friends brought their Nintendo DS and favorite games and they swapped, chatted by WiFi (yes, they were sitting next to each other as they chatted via DS) and generally kept their eyes on the game but barely on each other. Nevertheless they were all happy campers and I survived my first child's first sleepover.

My Son -

You have made it eight years and yet you are still as dramatic as ever, silly as ever, sensitive as ever. I remember being your age and so I am realizing just how grown up you probably THINK you are right about now. But you should see you from my perspective. You are still so small to me and the depth of your innocence is astounding. I fight to protect that every single day as I ask you about your day and what you learned and who did what or said what to you. You are my biggest test of patience that I fail pretty much every day and I thank God for that test pretty much every day. I was happy before you but until you, I had no idea what real fulfillment felt like. You will probably never understand real pride until you have your own mini you. All the achievements in the world are simply pointless unless I am doing it for you. And fight? Oh, the fight I have in me when you tell me some other silly child had the audacity to even look at you the wrong way or some adult overstepped their authority.

It sounds so corny. It IS so corny but it is so very true,
my world was merely black and white until God gave me you.

I love you. Happy birthday. - Mommy

A Christmas List

Just a quick break from work to add an equally quick message to update my semi-neglected blog.



Life is going on and December is as sweet (and cold) as always.

1 - Today I celebrate the completion of my 37th year of life. (The flowers are from my Teddy Bear.) Ever since, years and years ago, I learned that the Chinese start counting from the day of birth, I've had it stuck in my head that each birthday is a completion as well as a beginning so I also see this day as the start of my 38th year. I think the Chinese would say that I am 38. Too strange to say because I still feel 18, 21 or whatever. I'm just happy to feel good because I know what feeling really, really bad is like. I like the good.

2 - My puzzles have FINALLY come in from my manufacturer as of this past Monday and the fundraiser is complete. Hallelujah! We have learned our lesson about what NOT to do next time and I just want to focus on next year but we have 2 more events to go and hopefully we'll make some sales. We did pretty good at the 2 other events we had this month. There is a ton of planning to do for next year and much, MUCH organization to do on both my partner's and my part. Ah but the potential. So much to do and so much to gain. With both she and I talking about needing extra money but having no extra time at all, there is equal incentive on both our parts to MAKE THIS WORK.

3 - I went to see my financial adviser this past Saturday. She is the best investment ever and I highly recommend getting one if you care about your money even the slightest bit but really don't care to stay in the financial market loop and make all the necessary moves on your own. I always leave there knowing I am falling way short of what I need to be where I really want to be but it's not depressing. At least I know what is happening and what the ideal is and - in the words of the Superfriends - knowing is half the battle! (NOTE: MY BROTHER CORRECTED ME. APPARENTLY IT WAS G.I. JOE WHO CLOSED HIS SHOW WITH THIS MEMORABLE SAYING. EITHER WAY, WE CLEARLY WATCHED TOO MUCH T.V. GROWING UP.)

4 - There is one week before Christmas and I think I won't buy one more thing for one more person right now. I Christmas shop with cash and that does not spring eternal so before I see red in my bank account, I must stop. I still want to get something for my co-workers, however, because I adore them but I want to give it some thought too so they will get to celebrate Christmas all over again in January. I am hoping to be really good next year and either start Christmas shopping in January, buying one or two gifts per month for one person or put aside a small amount until I see something I like for someone. I do so love to watch people opening gifts and when you manage to get something really fitting and/or unique, it's the star on the Christmas tree. So glad I was born in such a fun and giving month.

Back to work.

Happy Anniversary/Birthdays and Not So Happy Stuff

It's quite a 24 hours thus far. So much milling about in my mind.

My girlfriend of 30 plus years just emailed me to tell me she had her first baby - about a month early - on the 9th.

Today marks the 2nd year of my being on my fabulous job.

Today also marks my mother's 57th birthday and my parents' 37th wedding anniversary.

All wonderful milestones.

But last night I found out that someone I know and her husband are separating. I suppose this one hits me hard because she's only a year older than I am. (I think. Could be wrong. It may only be a few months difference.) Maybe because she has 2 kids not too far away in age from my own. Maybe because she and her husband do the schedule shuffle as well or even better than Mr. T and I do. I've always been in awe of how she juggled it all - MAJOR position in the company, family, author, horrible commute - but she does, every single day. And now I wonder if any of that took a toll on this woman's familial harmony. I am sad for her but I don't know if that's appropriate since no one really knows what someone else is living with in a marriage and for all I know she may be about to come up for the very breath of life she needed to keep from drowning. You just never know.

I told Mr. T. "All you can do is pray for her," he said. Very true. Glad he reminded me. Sometimes I forget the power we have in that. I know very well how prayer moves mountains. I would love to hear that the pieces fell back in place for her but what that final puzzle looks like may still not be what I'd think it should be. So I simply pray for God to grant her peace and light the way for her; to give her children the comfort to know that none of this is their fault; to simply make it clear that He is there. Because only He and she know what's truly the best move for her.

I had a friend come over last night to pick something up and she and I got on the topic of marriage as well because hers is a challenge. Huge challenge. Hers is a matter of communication but mine could use some improvement there too. (One of these days, I'm gonna publish the post I wrote from a few weeks ago when I was about ready to hang Mr. T. with his own shoelaces.) The difference is if she had it to do all over again, she wouldn't. Not to him. Mr. T and I, on the other hand, got mentally and spiritually married so long ago that I do feel like he's just part of me and no matter how annoying he can be, cutting him off would be like cutting of my own leg. It wasn't an intentional marrying of the minds, mind you. Just one of those things where no matter how many times we separated, no matter who else we went out with - and I did - it always came back to us so give it up and get married already and just deal with it. So we did. My friend? Well, I just keep talking positive to her though I understand her points and concur from time to time. But I won't say anything disparaging to anyone about their marriage because who am I to do that? Certainly not the epitome of perfect relationships. And I wouldn't be a friend if I did. She hasn't been married as long as I have either so I try to encourage her in that way. You learn, you grow, no one really changes, everyone just comes to varying states of acceptance. I've had to say that to my girlfriend who just had the baby too. She got married a little over a year after I did after catching the bouquet at my wedding. (I was a pregnant piece of pink bubble gum in her wedding.I won't show you pictures.) She and her husband had a VERY rough start. We haven't talked in awhile. I hope things are calm now.

But all this marriage talk continues to prove one thing to me and I tell it to every bride-to-be I know. (Grooms-to-be too.) I don't care how perfect things are. I don't care if you live together (and I've got 2 examples of how it doesn't matter). I don't care if you agree on every single thing. Marriage is simply a different state of mind and after you get married, sooner or later you will see that. People DO NOT change. They simply become more relaxed, sometimes a little lazy, until eventually it boils down to everyone's true essence being revealed and then you come face to face with "can I continue to live with this?" No one shows all their colors upfront and years of dating won't convince me that they do. Even marriage counseling - as vital as it is and I beg everyone to do it if only to give yourselves a fighting chance - can't prepare you for everything. You have to live it. The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be.

Mr. T. agreed with me, shrugging in his usual laid back manner as he made the kids' lunches for today. "Oh yeah. Marriage is work for everyone." I give him the eye.

"It's a huge, huge commitment," I tell him.

"Absolutely."

I just look at him.

"What? I'm still here, aren't I?" he said. Exactly.

"So am I."

7th Heaven - Again

Today is Son's 7th birthday. Yesterday when he was 6, he thought he wasn't having a party when all I really meant was that the family/friends version is on Saturday and the close family version is on his actual day - like always. He cried like he was 2 until Nana explained it to him because I'm impatient and chose to finish getting dressed first before talking to him. (Best for all of us that way.) But she beat me to him. Oh well. But she's out of the picture this week. We'll be in OUR home soon.

In the meanwhile, I have to run home and hide one present in OUR house and bring the one the Grandma and Grandpa sent money for so he can have something on his day today and on Saturday. Hopefully we'll take pictures! And then I'll finish this post.

See you then!

Bad Blogger

Bad, bad blogger!

"Where have you been, Monica," you ask. "How are we supposed to keep up with you if you don't blog?!"

Valid questions, my friends. You want to know what happened since I last blogged on the 15th? (My gosh, has it really been almost 2 weeks! I'm so sorry!)

Dec. 18 - I turned 36. They had bagels in my honor at work. The kids jumped me when I came home that night because I had a present - ice cream cake and the new BabyPhat perfume. I drove Mr. T's car that day and unfortunately he left the sample cards on the seat of his car so I wasn't shocked but I was happy to see it was bought for ME! :-)

Dec. 21 - We learned who our Secret Santas were at work. We had a $100 limit (don't gasp. There's a reason.) because our holiday dinner had to be postponed until Januaryu so the boss upped the limit and said to expense it. Sweet. So I received this lovely entertaining set - red tray, plates, canape knives, candles, it's really beautiful - and I guessed my SS on the first try. We had pizza, salad, chicken fingers and thick cheese sticks. It was fun.

Dec. 22 - Son sang a duet with a classmate for the holiday concert. Well, maybe it wasn't a duet per se. They were the leads. He sang a solo last time - a full-fledged solo - and listening to him again this time, hands in his pockets as he leaned into the mike to confidently sing his part, I'm amazed at how it makes me emotional. I couldn't be prouder of him. I wonder what it is that makes me so proud of who he is and yet not capable of telling him that enough. The older he gets, the harder it gets and yet he clearly craves it. The boy stood in front of my bedroom door on Sunday and counted. He didn't call me or come in. Just counted - out loud - for a long time. I woke up on 289. He still writes me love notes so I guess I'm still a good mommy overall.

Dec. 23 - Went to start cleaning the new house. Mr. T and I are still stopping each other saying, "Hey! We've got a house!" We're very much caught up in what color to paint all the rooms. Daughter gets yellow and lavender. We just don't know whether to make it lavender with yellow accents or the other way around. We're afraid all yellow will heighten her already vibrant personality but we think we really want to see it that way. Plus I'll find a butterfly stamp so I can stamp lavender butterflies at the top of her walls near the ceiling. Son wanted purple but I was afraid a boyish purple would be too dark. So he said blue. I told him I'd go for blue and try to create a purple and white stripe on the wall you see when you enter the room. Good luck to me. Could have been worse, though. He wanted a checkerboard pattern at first and knowing me, I would have tried it. My office/guest room will be a lovely harvest color - think a fall orange. That is the one room I had dreams about. We still don't know what to do with our room, the kitchen, the kids' bath, the family room or the living room we are currently calling the Sky Box. (It's a raised ranch and that room is upstairs on the same floor as the kitchen and bedrooms. The last owner used it as a dining room but it's hard to know what to do with it because makig it a designated dining room jsut seems like a waste.) In our room and our bathroom, I want something relaxing but Misted Green (See Pottery Barn color palette) keeps coming to me and I don't know if I want to be surrounded by green. I'm not actually too fond of that color. Anyhow, we had hoped to start painting that day but the store was closed early. So this weekend we get to work.

Dec. 24 - I had bought all I intended to buy for my immediate people - Hubby and 2 kids - and wrapped them all up so this day, I just watched movies with Mr. T. My Super Ex-Girlfriend - Eh. OK. Twin Towers - better than I expected. The kids watched Over the Hedge and Ant Bully, both of which they saw in the theater but had to see again. Of the two, I'd probably recommend Ant Bully over the other one. I think it's because so many cartoons these days aren't as scenic as they used to be - remember The Prince of Egypt? - and at least I felt like I was going to different places in that movie even though it was the same house and same front yard. Just from a very different perspective.

Dec. 25 - Breakfast at the sister- and brother-in-law's house. They do it every year and it's nice. His son and daughter come with their families and we're from her side and it's one big, happy United Colors of Benetton ad that day. Well, OK, just 3 colors, but close enough. Then we go home so the kids can tear through their stuff and I can hopelessly try to keep up with all the wrapping being strewn about that I so carefully put on the boxes the days before. But they felt like it was a neverending bounty of gifts. I'm happy they were happy. And oh, by the way, yes I am eating. I'm just trying to maintain weight but dieting right now is just insane.

Dec. 26th - Ugh. Back to work. Still love my job. Don't get me wrong. But why don't we all just take this week off? I know the grocery stores have to be open and places like that but really, who wants to work right now?

Dec. 28th - TODAY! Got to get home to take Daughter to get her hair done. We both had appointments for Saturday but my girl would be doing us both because her girl is on vacation this week and this girl just didn't want to face it. Besides, the cable guy is coming on Saturday and both of us in the hairdresser is sure to keep us in there all day. I want to be able to be there when the cable/internet/phone is hooked up. We're going for the triple package so I'm very excited to finally have cable internet plus I opted to get their DVR system so I can finally tape all the shows I like to watch but I'm often too tired to stay up for.

The new year is shaping up quite nicely so far. And this is my life.

How's yours?