To Be or Not To Be

I had a fright this morning.

I've been less than 100% motivated 100% of the time when it comes to my weight loss. I tend to be gung ho, lose some weight then I kind of hang out there for a bit maintaining until I get the momentum to lose more. This past week I have not been in the mood for it AT ALL. I'm not interested in gaining either so I watched what I ate but I didn't make the effort to do what I needed to in order to lose more and I was fine with that. It's been a couple of months and 14 pounds. I probably just need a break.

Then last weekend Mr. T came home with one of my weaknesses - Pizza Hut pizza. Not just pizza mind you, it must be Pizza Hut to make me give in. I love pizza and I can eat all kinds but PH is temptation and I gave in to it Saturday as he and I watched movies and flirted all weekend. (Aside: For us, flirting looks like him copping feels when he thinks I'm not looking and me swatting him away. Men are perpetual schoolboys.)

Then I had a business meeting on Monday night where we ate dinner and I chose the best I could but I suspect there was still a lot of sodium in the food. Sodium is a sneaky SOB and unless you are looking for it, you just never know how much you are consuming. Way more than I'll bet you think you are. I haven't eaten canned food deliberately in over 6 years because of it. But I also ate a big fat brownie. Darn the weight loss right now. I know my body. I can't gain but so much, right?

I saw my weight go up about 4 ounces after the pizza and about 8 ounces after that dinner. Not unexpected. This morning I was a whole pound more than yesterday and yesterday I ate right all day. Now THAT was unexpected. The last time I had an unexplained weight gain, I was pregnant.

So I thought I'd better make sure. I accidentally missed 2 days in a row last month taking The Pill and didn't even notice it until the 3rd day but Husband's schedule tends to make it easy to track activity, if you know what I mean. So I thought I should be safe. But not too long ago I realized I missed 2 other days. What the heck is going on with me? And after this weekend? Yeah, I'd better make sure.

All morning I got the kids together and thought, "What if?" I mean we don't have our house yet and that's a bad thing. But then again it would light a fire under that man I married and that's a good thing. We're going on a cruise next August and that might get messed up, which is a bad thing. But if I were pregnant, I would have the baby in June and I'd probably be OK just in time to make it and that's a good thing. I haven't lost nearly enough weight to take on baby weight yet and that's a bad thing. But I could try to eat well and keep the weight gain to a minimum and in the end I'd really be done and when I finally reached my goal, I wouldn't have to worry about another baby anymore and that would be a great thing. But I haven't been at my job 2 years yet and that's a bad thing. But I'm also getting older and it would be good to get it done and that's an awesome thing.

The more I thought and looked at my kids and considered another one coming along - more daycare money going out, tiredness, moodiness, what would I wear? What if this time it was the twins no has had in a while? Yikes! - the more I realized that either way would be fine. After all, I've always been open to it.

Man, I hate paying for those stupid pregnancy tests because they aren't cheap but going to the doctor would cost me a $10 co-pay and I could get a cheap pregnancy test for about that much or less. And cheap would be fine because they all do the same thing and I wasn't worried in the least about it being wrong. When I am pregnant, I come on strong, you know? The test would know it before a drop hit the stick.

So I decided not to wonder all day, went to the drug store to get my prescription and oh by the way, can you ring up this pregnancy test please? As I walked up and down the aisles looking for the test, my heartbeat picked up, my insides churning with a mix of fear and excitement. Hmm. Excitement? Is that what I'm feeling? Why, yes! It would be kind of cool, after all, to get this over with and have my whole family and just get on with life.

Now where do they hide those stupid tests again? Let's see, the condoms area? Always a logical place and I think the Walgreens near home does it that way. Condoms, eye drops so you can see how to use the condom but no pregnancy test. OK, where else? Maybe where the feminine products are? But where are they? One aisle, another aisle, another aisle. Great day, what is this, an egg hunt? Oh wait, an egg hunt is what may have gotten me into this predicament in the first place. Wait! Baby products, makes sense, yes? Baby stuff, diapers, lubricants, ah, there you are! Cheap store brand please.

$11 and some change later - because I got my prescription - I practically skipped out of there with a little smile on my face. Funny how easy this gets with each baby. I stuffed it in my purse because I would be on a mission as soon as I got into work. Darn the etiquette. There was no way I was waiting until I got home. I would head straight to the ladies room and find out which direction my day would head in.

"You know, you COULD just need to go to the bathroom and that's where the pound came from."

"Yes, maybe. But can't be too safe with these things."

I told you I talk to myself a lot.

Ever take a pregnancy test? Bet you peek at the stick with one eye barely open, huh? Not this time. I watched from second one and like I said, if I were, it would show before it was completely done. I watched as the wetness slowly crawled up the stick, into the first window and creeped over to the other window - leaving a negative result behind it. I gave it some time, double checked the instructions and looked again. Yep. I'm in the clear.

"Whew!" and "Too bad" all in one.

So it is done. I can continue on as usual. And oddly enough, between the humongous girl at the grocery store check out yesterday afternoon who handled my salad and tuna like they were poison to her (We've got a little history. There's a story here for another time.) and the thought of gaining weight before I was really, really ready, I found my motivation again and hopefully it will last long enough to at least get me down to the next dress size.

Of course, the more I lose, the greater the pregnancy risk, but when you're happily married and God is allowing you to live a life of joy, how bad could that be, huh?