Tuesday, September 26, 2006

A Dream Inferred

I had a dream last night and it took place in the house I lived in when we were living in Philadelphia. I've had a few dreams about the house over many years and the amateur psychologist in me has surmised that this is due to the fact that age 9 was a pivotal year for me.

My brother was born a couple of months before I turned 9 and that was also the year we moved from D.C. to Philadelphia; I left the world I had known since I was born and the friends I don't even remember meeting and the private school I loved to go to a big city (compared to the long block I could never leave on my own) and attend public school. That was when I met people who knew I wasn't from Philly because I spoke differently. That was when I met kids who taunted me because I spoke "proper". (That means I can use a 3-syllable word and a verb in the same sentence.) That was also where I lived the one and only time my father threatened to leave my mother for reasons I still don't know to this day but for some reason he changed his mind and they've seemed happy ever since.

So when Ihave dreams that take place inside that house - any room in that house - I know that it means something is going on inside me because I know houses represent your psyche and in my case, because it pops up fromtime to time, I am certain of that fact. Sometimes the rooms don't look like the rooms in the house I actually lived in but I can feel it it's the same place and I've practically come to the point where my dream self realizes its significance as well.

So this morning I awoke from a really brief dream where my sister-in-law was living there - in MY house and she shared a roomwith my mother-in-law - in MY house. And the resentment was apparent in my dream, My son was there but a younger version of him (I think I merged his and my daughter in this one). There is only 1 full bath in this house (though there was a half bath downstairs too) and I ran in to go taking Son with me. She got to the door right after I went in and called my name as if to say, "Hey! I've got to get ready for work!" And it felt like it was a routine I was disrupting but in this dream I felt my inside's saying, "Hey! It's MY house! You're the intruder. YOU wait." And when we came out, Son went to his room (my brother's room in real life) to get dressed and SIL followed him trying to brush his hair or something but I woke up.

I knew what it meant. I've been here too long. I really do feel intruded upon by her because she's one of the people who has a key and comes in any old time. It's not my house but I still hate it. She's also a questionable authority figure so I always listen discreetly when shes saying things around and to my children. She'll say things like, "Black people alwaysd have trouble with money." And she'll be including herself in that statement as if it excuses her inability to handle money at the age of FIFTY. (My husband is the youngest of 5 so I've got sibling-in-laws in there 50s.) It pisses me off. And her inability to tolerate my kids' high energy level gets on my nerves too. Yes, they bug the heck out of me too when they're bouncing all over the place and won't shut up for a moment, but they are MINE. You got a problem with them, you come to ME.

Anyway, it's clear I want out of here and I feel it's holding me back from being full organized to handle all the things that are important to me. Husband is trying, so I can't beat him up. I'm not willing to move into a place that will financially squeeze us mercilessly just to escape this house o' fun. But sweet Lord, how much longer!

A friend recently told me when it happens this will feel like a blip in time and I know it to be true. Kind of like when being in a roller-coaster relationship with my then-Boyfriend felt like endless torture because I wasn't willing to walk away - permanently - and now it seems like we've been married all our lives. I know it will happen. But when my dream self starts whining about it, it's time to make something happen.

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