Oh Sonny Boy

I have 2 children. They are both the offspring of Mr. T and myself. They look alike, they act like, sometimes they even annoy alike. In my analysis thus far, Daughter exhibits the traits I like or accept in myself. Son exhibits the ones I have issues with.

I've talked about him before and will continue to do so not just because it's my blog and I'll whine I want to, but because this is how I process.

Daughter is moody, like me. It doesn't bother me.
Daughter isn't really a morning person, like me. I respect that.
Daughter has a fiery temper, like me. Son fears her at times. I just smile in recognition or else put her in her place.

Son is picky. I never called myself this but yeah, I like what I like and forget the rest. Still, I want him to be open because I wish I had been braver about things when I was younger.
Son is dramatic. Don't really see myself this way but that fiery temper tends to be my response to things sometimes and certainly that is over the top.
Son is slow to accept change. This could be related to the pickiness. I'm cool with change that I initiate. Otherwise, I may need a minute to readjust.

If you put my two baby bears on a rainbow and gave them a color, Daughter would be red and Son would probably be blue. So why do I clash more with my blue Son? Still figuring that out.

I admitted to a friend not too long ago that I prefer dealing with Daughter because she's easier for me. Ironic, considering I never wanted a daughter in the first place for fear we'd be too much alike and fight all the time. Son is actually easy to love. He's sweet, respectful, sincere, affectionate, smart, and when you really think about that whole pickiness thing, I suppose it shows he's strong-willed too. Who can't like those qualities? Well, those aren't the things that get to me.

Before you tell me not to compare my children, I tell you I already know they are individuals and to love them for who they are, blah blah blah. The fact is Daughter is brave. I wish Son were moreso. So many times things have come up that I am certain he would have liked if only he weren't so afraid of new things. When Daughter gets stressed, she gets angry. I suppose that is an emotion I understand so it doesn't bug me as much, though I do tell her she'll get nowhere with it. Son, on the other hand, cries and whines and repeats himself over and over and it nearly drives me nuts because of the relentless repetition of it all. If something doesn't make sense in his homework, he whines for help (I really never liked whining.) and there is this whole begging thing in his voice that grates on my nerves. I want to tell him to man up. Stop whimpering. Just say you don't get it in a normal voice. (I told you I know he's 8. Doesn't change how I feel.)

Now, I don't make things easy on them, I confess. When it comes to homework, I don't hand out answers like candy on Halloween. I say, "Look at it again. Read it again. Tell me what you understand. Tell me what you don't understand. Look at the homework in its totality. Is there nothing there to clue you in as to how you should get your answer?" (Generally, this is related to math homework.) Unlike me, Son is a linear thinker and that is something I don't know what to do with. If he knows one way to get an answer, then that is what he does forever. The moment the numbers change order or the math turns to words, all hell breaks loose.

"Son. You CAN do this. Stop. Think. Read it slowly. Doesn't some of this look familiar?"

"I don't know! I can't do it!"

Wanna get me riled up? Tell me you "can't" when you haven't even tried.

So I get stressed and wonder how to teach him how to think creatively. How do I convey that there is usually more than one way to get an answer. 9 times out of 10, when I come home to that unfinished homework he says he can't do, I ask questions, I say what I said before and suddenly he can do it after all. Still, he doesn't realize yet that he CAN do it if he tries and that all I ever ask is that you at least try before you give up. Don't immediately jump to how you can't or how it won't work or how it's not exactly how you thought it should be so it must not be the right way.

My struggles with him is in his confidence. I get angry when he downs himself, saying he's stupid or doesn't know how to do things. "I don't like math because I can't do it." But he can! Even his teachers from every single grade so far say he can. Now, I tell him he may not like it, and that's fine but he can't do it? He's lying to himself and needs to cut it out.

I suppose my fight with him is not about today, it's about tomorrow. I'm afraid he won't see what I see - a smart, creative kid with so many natural abilities if he'd let himself be aware of them. I fear he'll be a follower. Sometimes you have to but never at the expense of your own will and morals. I'm scared he'll miss out because he's suspicious of new things. When we have our shouting matches - well, me shouting, him whining - I'm pretty sure he's in the moment. I keep thinking of what today's insecurity could develop into if I don't snap him out of it. But the counselor in me also is aware that I have to be here and just make myself chill out and embrace the boy of today lest he think I don't like him for who he is. Couldn't be further from the truth. It's who he is that I see so clearly. But right now it is masked by the qualities that need refinining. And that remains the challenge - setting aside my ways so I can deal with his effectively and shine a spotlight on the things he has yet to appreciate.

It's simply not easy for me. Don't be surprised if I vent some more on the topic one day. I know all of this frustration on my part risks our future relationship, at least during those teen and early adult years when so many people are coming into their own and don't know what they don't know yet. I know that I risk giving him some sort of complex maybe or driving him into himself because he thinks I don't accept him.

Still, in all my frustration, it is easy for me to tell him how great he is and in my imperfection, I can only pray that he will one day see that all I ever wanted was the best for him and we'll finally reach a place where he too fully loves himself as much as I love him. He's my first-born after all; the one who showed me that being a parent is an honor and receiving the love of a child is a privilege. He's the one who started me on the path to enjoying simply providing for him because it made me feel good to see him healthy and happy and content to just be my son. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize all that but I have my signs. I listen out for the familiar, "Hug and kiss. I love you" that I get every night before he goes to bed. He insists upon it, in fact. That's how I know we're still in the game. I intend for us to win it.

Business Lessons 101

One of the risks you run into when you are a small business working with other businesses of any size is not getting things done as a result of someone else. The smaller the other company, the greater the likelihood that unexpected issues will arise. This is why we no longer seek to work with one-man (or woman) operations. We are in the midst of an unexpected issue right now with our puzzle manufacturer and it is frustrating enough to make us take a hard look at exactly how much we can do ourselves and how much (or when) we delegate to others.

Doing it ourselves would be not only time-consuming but the machine is costly and then who would run it? Maybe my retired parents would like to help out. It's a possible plan but too expensive for now. So I am thinking about what we CAN afford to control and we are taking a little more of the process into our own hands.

We have a 3-year, maybe a little older, relationship with our current manufacturer. We ADORE them. We love the owners and have highly recommended the company to other people wr know who need their services. They have been beyond patient with our questions and ideas. They have been excited by what we do and have been creative in their solutions to our problems. They have been, until now, faster then we expected, delivering earlier than we anticipated. Their professionalism has helped give us a good and growing reputation.

This is the year we did our first fund-raiser, small as it was. This is the year we got into a store. This is the year we did and are doing more vending than ever before. This is the year they disappointed us and, indirectly, our potential customers.

The product - the materials for which were long ago given to them - is STILL not in our hands for delivery to the people who ordered them and we are about ready to refund their money. Some have been gracious about the situation and want to give to the kids anyway. Others are confused about what's happening and we can only say, "Please hold on a little longer." What we cannot say is, "It's not our fault. Our manufacturer is coming up short and while we built in some time, we didn't anticipate the amount of time needed to this extent." Our reputation, though nurtured by our manufacturer, is our own and we cannot pull back the curtain to expose anyone else.

The tough call is what to do about what's happening now. Again, we cannot heap enough praise on the company's past performance and attention to our needs and wants. In addition, there was a medical crisis in the owner's family and we know that has impacted this situation because I believe we are considered his client. My partner and I are believers in doing right by people, forget what the world says we should do. But we can't put our name at risk anymore. So we remain frustrated but patient. I will line up a 2nd and a 3rd manufacturing option and we have decided that we will do our best to cut off the printing we need at a certain time in the year in order to keep things flowing on time.

So what do we take away from this? When you are in business for yourself, you must delegate sometimes in order to get the job done but make sure the person/people you delegate to are as conscientious as you are. If someone fails you, consider their value to you and look at their record of performance before writing them off. People/companies make mistakes and have things happen. Loyalty is a valuable asset for both parties. Blanket decisions won't work. This has to be looked at on an individual basis. But then after looking at all the facts sans emotional attachment, for the sake of your company's health, you can't be afraid to walk away.

We push on because 2008 has a huge amount of potential for us and I'm not about to let this little setback stop us. As a matter of fact, the storm gets roughest right before it ends, right? We are about to enter our season of harvest. We must keep sowing.

Wait, Wait and Wait Some More

I'm not even going to say it. I’m sick of hearing me and you ought to be too. I don't want to go into the next hurdle that popped up to keep me out of my house THIS weekend. I'll only say that I'm starting to take it personally and unless God CLEARLY tells me He's behind this, I WILL take it personally and I will fight it. I will tell you this much, though. Mr. T's aunt died yesterday and he is off to South Carolina on Friday for the funeral. Nothing within anyone's control and yet...

Yes, I know this makes me sound insensitive, but I am self-aware and I will not lie that once I realized what his not being here meant, I was not a happy camper. I’m trying not to take matters into my own hands but so much because I am the impulsive sort and this is probably part of the answer to that prayer for patience that I keep praying knowing that God answers that prayer by sending things to test my patience. I’ve got to stop asking for that! I also know, from my wise young pastor, that waiting can be an active word if you allow it to be. It always was for me.

One of my co-workers made a comment today that made me feel like she was taking things a bit personally and since the comment had to do with birthdays, a lightbulb went off and I looked up her sign. No, I don't let this rule my life but yes, I do think there is something to it; the similarity among people who are born at certain times can be amazing.

As I looked her up I laughed in agreement as I saw the words "harsh criticism and sometimes cold" used to describe her alleged faults. And even though I've read mine a million times, I don't keep all the adjectives in my head so I looked it up. What did it say were my "faults"?

Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and associated with travel and expansion. Individuals born under this sign are thought to have a dynamic, quick witted, intellectual, ethical, humorous, generous, open-hearted, compassionate, and energetic character, but one which is also prone to pridefulness, impulsiveness, impatience, impracticality, and blind optimism. Sagittarians are said to like traveling, getting to the heart of the matter, freedom, laws and meanings, and the general "feel" of things. They do not like off the wall theories, being tied down domestically, being constrained, cooling their heels, and being bothered with details.

Ha! Yes, the “cooling their heels” part truly resonated. See? I’m not crazy. It’s just the traveler in me who is going mad waiting, waiting and waiting some more. Makes me want to eat something.

But God did give me a consolation prize. The company that was going to put my desk together on Monday (yes, it’s that ridiculously complicated) had an opening first thing in the morning so they are coming tomorrow instead. That does help, God. Thanks.

My Mirror Image

He'd better be an actor. A working actor. He'd better bring home major loot to pay us back for all the aggravation. You know who, if you've read any of this before. My son, that's who.

We are living between two houses now. All of our clothes and such live in our house while we continue to sleep at Nana's house because Daddy ordered a new TV - unbeknownst to Mommy - and wants the satellite and TV all hooked up before we go in. Now, I figured as much. The kids could probably be adequately distracted for a bit but between them and Daddy wanting their TV, I'd probably be twisted like taffy by the time they got done. So we wait. Daddy swears we'll be in there this weekend. The great satellite conversion is supposed to hit Thursday or Friday. "You just wait. I'll order HD and when you see it, theeeeen you'll see!" I don't doubt it. I never do.

Anyway, with our clothes elsewhere, Son, has to take whatever I bring home when I make the run to the house after work. He is Mr. Picky. Always has been. Hates for his T-shirts to show in any way, which is difficult with kids' clothes given how they make them so roomy these days. He hates his pants to hang down - and that I do hope he never changes. His socks have to feel just right in his shoes.

He's particular and I know this. Sometimes it's a battle of wills. I know he'll give me grief but I lord my parental authority anyway just because I don't feel like doing whatever it'll take to quiet him down. Sometimes I make the effort to do what I THINK he'll like. I say think because even if he wears something one day, it doesn't mean he won't hate it the next time and me? I'm naively thinking, "He wore this already. It fit great. No complaints. Wait. Better take 2 choices." Then he hates them both.

"It's down to my chest," he said this morning. This means that you can see a sliver of skin at the top of the neck hole.

"Son, it fits fine. Just get dressed. Your bus will be here any minute."

" But it's down to myyy cheeeest!" (Here we go.)

"Son, you have 2 choices. That shirt or the other. That's it."

"But it's down to myyyyyy chhhhhheestt!" Whine, whine. (I'm gonna blow.)

"Go open the drawers." He does. They're empty. "See? Your clothes are at OUR house now. These are your choices!" He goes to my room because I must be lying. Back to his room to whine some more. The bus usually shows just before 8:30. It's 8:24.

"Huff. I'm done. Husband, your turn. You are - going to - miss your - bus!"

He sits in his underwear waiting for the Clothes Fairy to deliver a perfect shirt from Beyond. As I've said a million times here, it's all I can do to just walk away.

So he's 7 now and I suppose this stuff will just get worse until he gets a job and starts buying his own clothes - which I am going to recommend if it looks like he can handle it down the line.

I look at him, wanna shake him but I just know I'm battling with myself.

All that drama - I think I was a dramatic kid myself. I refuse to ask my parents to confirm it, though. I know it's a sign of creativity and he got that from me for sure.

All that pickiness - I can't leave things any old way. They have to be done MY way and the folk at my job praise/jibe me for my organization (and they come expecting me to have the answer as a result). I'm a obsessive-compulsive perfectionist (getting worse as I get older) and he got that from me.

All that selective hearing - I can't tell you how many times I have people repeat themselves when I heard them the first time but I just didn't really want to answer. I know I do that. If I responded to people right away, I'd be praised for my excellent hearing. I hear you, I hear you - most times - I'm just deciding what to say or hoping you'll go away. Son gives me the innocent look - "What? Isn't that what you meant?" - and reacts to what he chooses to hear. He got it from me, I just know it.

One day I'm going to take the time to stop and deal with him in a new way and surprise us both with my ability to not be so stubborn. I'm always praying for patience, I just have yet to actually try to BE patient. I sure hope I get this thing right before we both end up on opposite sides of a fence we can't scale. I'm aware of things so I'm trying. Really I am.

Confessions

OK, I'm trolling around looking at other mommies' blogs and I have decided to confess something. I'm still working it out trying to figure out what it says about me but I'm going to say it anyway because I feel like it.

When I had my Son, my first born, I was just flabbergasted by how much he stole my heart. I couldn't believe it. I never wanted kids, but had resigned myself to the fact that it would be unlikely I'd meet someone who didn't want them. And then as I got older, I thought MAYBE I'd be cool with it but the thought of having them - physically having them - was still more than I wanted to think about. I'd just have to deal with it if the time ever came.

Well it came out of the blue and who wasn't overjoyed that after 28 painful hours, I had to have a C-section because the kid wouldn't drop. "Fine by me! Let's get this done!"

I saw that round face and those big eyes and all the years of looking at other people's brats thinking it's not for me meant nothing. THIS one was so perfect, so mine. Now I knew why people did this more than once.

He was my shadow and when I was pregnant with Perfection #2, I distinctly remember lying on the sofa, feeling listless and huge while Son laid on my stomach - yes, my stomach 1st time mommies to be. Directly on top is too much but a little off to the side. It won't hurt the little one inside. - and looking at that little head who was talking about things that fascinate 3-year-olds and telling him not to worry. A new baby will NOT change my love for him. Things will be different but he'll always be my first and have his own special spot in my life just like the next one will always by my 2nd and have her own special place. Equal love for two very different people.

I meant that. I knew it was possible to grow your love but who knew what the reality of it would be.

Well, Son is 6 now. He'll be 7 next month and you know what? He is so silly! Super silly, this kid is. I can laugh about some of it when I'm not in his presence but so many times - here's the confession - it BUGS me! My word. I can't even tell you some of the things he says because they are so whacky as he cracks himself up. I shake my head and just watch him on the sly because if I engage it too directly, he takes it as me saying, "Please Son! More, more off-the-wall nutty comments! I LOVE it!"

I don't! I don't love it! How horrible am I? Mind you, I know that I'm not that bad. I think about this little boy when he's not around and I wish he were there right then and there so I could just kiss him, you know? I tell some of my friends about the weirdness and the drama - he cries at the drop of a hat over the smallest things - and they just shake their heads knowingly. So this is normal, I gather. But man, it B-U-G-S me! This is the Monica who was glad to be childless when she saw the kids acting out in the street. Now mine have never done that, thank God. They generally listen. I am just having such a hard time doing what I want to do with Son - stay affectionate DESPITE the insanity.

Lest you think the boy is a mental case, truly he's just a really happy child who loves to laugh and for some reason, despite me, he keeps writing me love notes and drawing me pictures and telling me he wants to be with me forever. I feel so undeserving of that, actually. Every night, "Hug and kiss," he tells me. I started that when he was tiny so I can't say anything about it as he comes to me with his funny-toothed grin waiting for his bedtime ritual.

Who can't love this face?


But you know what? I really do find that I must work to keep myself - how do you say? - steady. Trying not to show too much annoyance with it. Last thing I want him to do is hide those feelings and become unreachable because I'm not as responsive as he'd like. Of all the things in my family life that I'd like to fix, this is the one that bothers me the most. So, I'll just keep that baby face in my head and grin and bear it. All that love of his will make some woman a great husband one day.