Friday, February 23, 2007

Confessions

OK, I'm trolling around looking at other mommies' blogs and I have decided to confess something. I'm still working it out trying to figure out what it says about me but I'm going to say it anyway because I feel like it.

When I had my Son, my first born, I was just flabbergasted by how much he stole my heart. I couldn't believe it. I never wanted kids, but had resigned myself to the fact that it would be unlikely I'd meet someone who didn't want them. And then as I got older, I thought MAYBE I'd be cool with it but the thought of having them - physically having them - was still more than I wanted to think about. I'd just have to deal with it if the time ever came.

Well it came out of the blue and who wasn't overjoyed that after 28 painful hours, I had to have a C-section because the kid wouldn't drop. "Fine by me! Let's get this done!"

I saw that round face and those big eyes and all the years of looking at other people's brats thinking it's not for me meant nothing. THIS one was so perfect, so mine. Now I knew why people did this more than once.

He was my shadow and when I was pregnant with Perfection #2, I distinctly remember lying on the sofa, feeling listless and huge while Son laid on my stomach - yes, my stomach 1st time mommies to be. Directly on top is too much but a little off to the side. It won't hurt the little one inside. - and looking at that little head who was talking about things that fascinate 3-year-olds and telling him not to worry. A new baby will NOT change my love for him. Things will be different but he'll always be my first and have his own special spot in my life just like the next one will always by my 2nd and have her own special place. Equal love for two very different people.

I meant that. I knew it was possible to grow your love but who knew what the reality of it would be.

Well, Son is 6 now. He'll be 7 next month and you know what? He is so silly! Super silly, this kid is. I can laugh about some of it when I'm not in his presence but so many times - here's the confession - it BUGS me! My word. I can't even tell you some of the things he says because they are so whacky as he cracks himself up. I shake my head and just watch him on the sly because if I engage it too directly, he takes it as me saying, "Please Son! More, more off-the-wall nutty comments! I LOVE it!"

I don't! I don't love it! How horrible am I? Mind you, I know that I'm not that bad. I think about this little boy when he's not around and I wish he were there right then and there so I could just kiss him, you know? I tell some of my friends about the weirdness and the drama - he cries at the drop of a hat over the smallest things - and they just shake their heads knowingly. So this is normal, I gather. But man, it B-U-G-S me! This is the Monica who was glad to be childless when she saw the kids acting out in the street. Now mine have never done that, thank God. They generally listen. I am just having such a hard time doing what I want to do with Son - stay affectionate DESPITE the insanity.

Lest you think the boy is a mental case, truly he's just a really happy child who loves to laugh and for some reason, despite me, he keeps writing me love notes and drawing me pictures and telling me he wants to be with me forever. I feel so undeserving of that, actually. Every night, "Hug and kiss," he tells me. I started that when he was tiny so I can't say anything about it as he comes to me with his funny-toothed grin waiting for his bedtime ritual.

Who can't love this face?


But you know what? I really do find that I must work to keep myself - how do you say? - steady. Trying not to show too much annoyance with it. Last thing I want him to do is hide those feelings and become unreachable because I'm not as responsive as he'd like. Of all the things in my family life that I'd like to fix, this is the one that bothers me the most. So, I'll just keep that baby face in my head and grin and bear it. All that love of his will make some woman a great husband one day.

1 comment:

Looney Mom said...

It's crazy, huh? This parenting thing? Too funny. But he is a cutie.