Sunday, May 28, 2006

Marital Diss

One thing I intend to do here is be honest about my marriage and my relationship with my children. Anyone who says it's always wonderful is a liar. Don't you believe them. The truth is marriage is frustrating, emotional, confusing. It seems simple, doesn't it? You live together, you share yourselves and everything that is you. But it's not that simple.

My pastor, when counseling us before we married, reminded us that we were two separate people who lived separate lives for X number of years before we came together. In our case, we met when I was 24, dating in an up-and-down roller-coaster ride of a relationship, but we married when I was 30 and he was 32. So basically that's 30 years and 32 years before Us. That's a lot of baggage. Part of what I personally had to do was share some issues I had with my mother so that he could understand some things about me that he didn't. It was enlightening for him. Did he share as much? Does a dog share a bone?

This is what I hate. I feel like it's pulling teeth with him to tell me important things like how much he makes. That's right. I know what I know because we do joint tax returns but he STILL hasn't sat down with me to tell me the deal - this is what I make, this is what I owe, etc. If YOU are not married, dear reader, and want to be, you need to know this kind of thing. Demand it and if he/she continues to be secretive about it, suspect it. Determine whether or not you can live with it because marriage is truly compromise. Not just in deciding what color to paint the walls but you may have to decide to let him or her be or do things that bother you simply because there is nothing you can do about it until they decide to change. But you have to decide before you marry them if that person never, ever changes, can you live with that? People do hopefully grow and change but not at your whim.

In my case, Husband is a good man. I shared some of this so-called negative stuff in the past with people I thought could handle it and it was a mistake. Don't get me wrong, you can share it and I think you should have at least one "counselor" but you MUST be selective. People I talk to are people I trust to be honest and not bash my Husband just because he is a man. My confidants are people who will say, "Well, Monica, he should be able to do such and such." Those are the people I suggest you talk to - not parents or family members if you can help it and not stupid girlfriends who you KNOW will try to move in when times get bad. But then again, I'm not CLOSE friends with any women like that. I'd stake my life on it.

My Husband is a confusing mix of secrecy and dedication. Do I trust him when it comes to other women? Yes. It's money that's the issue for me. But I know what I married and I knew I'd be mad sometimes until this worked out. It would have to work out or else. But some of what captured my heart is Husband listens to me. He hears me though he says nothing. He simply shows up one day with the kind of car that he knows I like. He works overtime to pay for a cruise I told him I wanted next year but again he said nothing to it. He tries to do for me what I say I want. You don't throw away a person like that. And for those of you who say, "I couldn't live with that," well, congratulations. You don't have to. But I assure you every relationship has something some other person couldn't live with. That's why it's YOURS and not theirs. Besides, what would you suggest I do, divorce him? Don't be silly. Frankly I believe that you need to think BEFORE you marry and short of an abusive situation, you should not run away from trouble so easily. If he or she leaves you and you don't know why, then even the Bible tells you to let them. That's not your fault. But that brings up all kinds of other things and that's not what this rant is about exactly.

So I called Husband and told him, "I need to know what's going on. It is not fair to ask me what I can contribute to OUR mortgage and you not tell me what's going on with you financially. Are you EVER going to sit down and write out YOUR numbers and tell me what YOU owe and make a plan with me on how WE will proceed from here on out?" He said yes in there somewhere but unfortunately the proof is in the pudding. We need a house and he's wanted one since before we married. So we shall see. The possibility of what we could do together is astounding. But I know that in the big picture, we are still in the kindergarten stage of our life together.

I think I'll go color in my corner until he decides to come share his toys.

Time for church.


theresa said...

Hi, I was just blog jumping while I'm waiting for the kids to get ready for church and saw your blog. You are a great writer and I'm going to tag your blog as one of my favs. Stop by and say hi! I'm off to church to get fed.

Monica said...

Theresa, thank you SO much! I can't tell you what an honor it is to have you as my first comment! I very much hope I can continue to live up to such gracious words.