Friday, July 28, 2006

The Baby Bug

Here's a random photo that I am putting here just because of the topic. Daughter has to sleep with us given the current living situation and this is how she chooses to sleep - across the tops of our pillows. It works out, actually, because there is just no room the regular way. I've had many nights sleeping the opposite way to make room for her, or Husband had to be the one to do it. Interferes with one's sex life, but I'm too tired right now anyway. (That's Husband's braided head you see but he doesn't want to be here so I have to hide him.) Great day, she's beautiful. Thank you, God, for such sweet kids.

On to the real post.

See, I was going to write on my business today as I've been meaning to for some time because after all, it's the part of the "manual labor" I refer to in my blog tagline. But then I got distracted.

I was talking with a friend recently - well, emailing really. You know how you have your real friends and your Internet friends? Well we met in a group a long time ago and became Internet friends except she crossed that line to real friend a while back, except we still haven't met and since she lived in Europe it was always unlikely. But she moved to Canada so maybe one day.... I have a pen pal like that. We started writing about 8th grade and haven't met yet. She's in California, though. Been awhile. I've got to catch up with her. But I digress.

So my other friend - let's call her Friend There - has a toddler and we were talking about having the baby craving. You know. That yearning some women get when they are ready for another kid. You see a baby and you can see yourself with another one. I had that feeling before I had Daughter. I don't have that feeling now. One of my girlfriends - one I can SEE - just had one not too long ago. (Let's call her Friend Here.) I hold her new son and I smell that new baby smell and look in his eyes anddddddd... nothing. Nada. Zip. Instead it's like holding a baby for the first time again except I'm still not drawn to the idea of my own newborn.

Friend Here and I had our first ones together. Her sister, also my friend and business partner, had one as well. We were thrilled when we found out we were going to be pregnant together with our firsts. (Totally unplanned. People thought something was in the water. I call it God giving us all a huge break by giving us people to share our fears and concerns with.) My partner was done after her one. She was already 40 and didn't want but the one. Her sister and I were hoping to have the 2nd ones together too. I wasn't trying. She was. I got pregnant. She kept trying. 2 1/2 years later, she hit 40 and she and her husband said, "Enough. Let's just enjoy the two we have (he has a teen from a prior marriage), enjoy life and our future plans." Then along came the newest addition.

See, that's my fear. Remember, I am a C type, (see previous post) so I do like to see the big picture so I can plan accordingly. Yes, I know you can't know it all but I can try, can't I? It's my nature. Can't help it. But as I talked - emailed - with Friend There, she mentioned having that craving before but not now. She has a toddler and she's tired, like me. I told her I could commisserate. (Did I misspell that? Whatever.) My thing is Husband said years ago before we got married that he wanted 5. I laughed in his face. He is the youngest of 5. I am the oldest of 2. So I compromised and said 3, so we'd have our own thing and not our parents' families. (Comparisons run rampant enough as it is.) For years I thought three kids. I even saw them in my heart. First a boy, then a girl, then a boy. Boy 1 was the leader. Not too boistrous though. Girl was strong willed, Boy 2 was quiet but determined and accomplished things when you weren't looking.

I got pregnant and Son was so still everyone kept telling me I was having a girl. I was thinking it too - probably just an extension of my ego - so I came up with a girl name and a boy back up. At 6 months I found out I was having a boy and I was elated. I always wanted an older brother of my own (I have that through friends now) so I wanted my girl to have one and I was so happy she would get one. "Wait a minute!" I thought. "My vision!" But I couldn't confirm it wasn't a fluke until Daughter came along. "OK. That's it. I must have really seen them. So, let's just stay open to the possibility of there being another boy one day."

And open I have remained. The quandary is I really don't like the thought of having to lose weight all over again if I do have the third one. (Forgive the repeat, Friend There, if you are reading this, but it's appropriate.) Strike 1. I also know I want to wait until Daughter is maybe 4 because she is more of a handful - 4 hands full - than Son ever was, plus we still live with MIL, plus I'm going to be 36 this year. Strike 2 and 2 1/2. And I really would like to just take my kids and focus on tomorrow and all I am working on. Do I really want to lug around baby stuff again? No. And I don't feel that craving just yet anyway. Strike 3. But is the baby out? Not yet.

Being the big picture person I am, I really hate to close the door on him but that's what I feel like I'd have to do to really focus on tomorrow like I want. But if I close it, he may climb through a window like Friend Here had happen. I don't want that to happen either. I kind of just want to stay open to him - just in case. I just don't want to get used to the thought of moving on without him only to have him turn up when I'm not prepared mentally.

I know I am overthinking this. That's what I do. Don't ya know me by now? I try to prepare for every possible scenario then live until something happens - usually something I didn't prepare for. But you can rest assured, if Baby 3 does come, mommy is closing up shop. The doc already knows to tie the tie and sauder what he must. I WILL be done, my will be done. Five is enough. Or is it four?

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