MM: Escape to Self

The prompt: They began their journey after nightfall.

What came out of my head:
They began their journey after nightfall. Stumbling over branches. Nicked by sharp limbs. Tripped by their urgency to escape. It was safest to travel while hiding under the opaque skirt of Mother Nature but that wasn't why they ran. They were born nocturnal beings. Running in the dark wasn't scary. See, they had no choice. Sleep by day, work by night. This was what came naturally to them. Alicia would always say, "Anybody can be a day person. Heck, everybody's doing it! It takes someone with skill and stamina to sleep in the midst of all that noise and to not be driven mad by the silence of the night." For years Alicia thought herself a loaner because she could never find a kindred spirit who understood how it felt to be energized by the stars and moon. Solar energy? Pish posh! Try celestial energy, my friend. In the night you could wish upon a star or sing by the light of the silvery moon. Try that with the sun. You'd just put an eye out!

She found that friend, but Alicia got tired of defending herself. She was tired of over caffeinating in order to stay awake. She was beginning to fool no one and it was getting dangerous. In her world, everyone needed their "full sleep" and God had made it clear that that sleep should commence when the sun was fully in it's sleeping chamber, hidden away just over the horizon, and cease when it was fully visible once again. Of course sometimes you did not actually see the sun. So the Daytrippers made it easy. When the sky was no longer bright, it was time to say good night. Anyone not abiding by this law would be prosecuted, persecuted, then executed. No exceptions.

So she ran. To where, she wasn't sure. She was just tired of people asking her, "Why do you sleep so late? How can you be so alert at the end of the day? What's wrong with you, anyway?" They were beginning to suspect. They were a society of like-minded people and they would not know how to live with anyone not of like mind.

And she ran. They could survive out "there" wherever there was, right? They could do it. It wasn't going to be easy.

And she ran. Away from the torment of 9 to 5. Away from the day time soaps and talk shows that dominated television. Away from the top of the morning until she saw the expanse of sky, the looming moon that lit her way, the shimmery pathway that looked slippery but felt soft as air, and she embraced the freedom of that dark space, her breath catching in the wind making it hard to breathe out, yet the soft strokes on her cheeks were welcoming.

And she ran to a place where the night never ends.

She was unrecognizable when they found her body at the bottom of the cliff. Her running companion had no choice but to lead them to her and by doing so he sentenced himself to life under the watchful eye of the Daytrippers who were determined to get him to conform.

Then there was Alicia. The mortician did his best to put the pieces back together again and he did. She was a work of art. So he framed her, sealed her in a special solution that would preserve her for all eternity and displayed her in a place of honor in his facility where she could be admired day and night, forever in the light.

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What's this about, Monica?

You don't know? Why, it's my own March Madness!

While you're here, the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition is wrapping up this month. Have you voted for us today? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

MM: Memories

The prompt: "Where on earth did you find that?"

What came out of my head:

“Where on earth did you find that,” she asked. She had hoped that her voice didn’t betray too much nor show too little interest. She really did want to know how he managed to find something she thought she had so cleverly hidden. So much so that she had forgotten about it herself over the course of their 2-year relationship.

She took the plunge with him. Allowing him into her space. Letting him share her home, her food, her bed. She’d never manage to stick it out so long before but something about this one felt right. He was a snuggler. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that yet but it was nice to come home to. He wanted to be everywhere she was. That still took a little getting used to.

“Cat got your tongue huh?” He looked at her and waited.

“OK, OK.” She sighed. “There was…another. She was special. Very unexpected, you know.”

Still he looked and simply listened.

“She was sweet but, I don’t know, stand-offish too. Liked her space, you know? I got used to that. Everyone having their own space.” She sat down so he sat beside her, watching and listening intently.

“I got used to that and it was nice. Except she never liked to go out. I never understood it. I tried but she wouldn’t have it unless SHE felt like and then, when she did, she was so freaking disloyal. Chasing every cat in town! Here I am thinking she’s into me!”

He touched her arm.

“I know. She left one day. Never came back and this… this was all I had left of her.”

She felt the smoothness of the leather as if it were as new as the day she bought it.

“She felt tied down by it, you know. Maybe she thought it was a symbol of commitment. Maybe she thought it meant she was mine and she couldn’t be with anyone else.” She shrugged. “Maybe she just didn’t like it. You like it?”

He snorted in reply.

“Oh come on. No need to be so judgmental. It’s not that bad. Jesse’s gone now, Max. You’re here now. No need to be jealous. She chased one too many fly-by-night relationships and I don’t know what ever happened to her. She never bothered to find me again. And I thought I’d be alone. And it’s taking some getting used to, Max. But you’re here now.”

She stroked him the way he liked and if he were a cat, he surely would have purred. “Yeah, you’re a man of few words, Max, but I know what you like.”

She stroked the leather again as she admired it.

“This wasn't cheap, you know. Here. It’s yours now.”

Max began to paw her. “Chill, chill. I know what you want,” she smiled slyly and slowly got up from the sofa to head to the coat rack by the door.

“I know chains can be a little difficult to deal with,” she said, “but I think you can handle it. I think you’re here to stay. Right, Max?” She slowly bent down as Max slowly crawled across the floor.

“This is for you, my boy.” She slipped the smooth leather collar over his head.

“There’s you go. Nice huh? See I told you I know what you want. Right? Speak boy!”

Max barked and jumped up in excitement as the chain of the leash rattled in response.

“Ah yes! My beautiful baby. Come on. Let’s go for a walk.”

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What's this about, Monica?

You don't know? Why, it's my own March Madness!

While you're here, the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition is wrapping up this month. Have you voted for us today? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

My Own March Madness

FIRST: If it's March, then it must be THE countdown. Thirteen more days until the big 9. Son will be 9, though he acts like he's 6 way too much. Figuring out what to do is getting tougher as the bigger parties are no longer required and he's happy to celebrate with a few friends. No more Chuck E. Cheese. No Bounce U (that place is expensive anyway). No Lil' Gym. So what can he do? Laser tag? Mr. T. said the facility was too dirty. He was thinking to take him to Medieval Times in Jersey but he barely eats as it is and I don't see him eating there. We'd have to go to McDonald's before we went to dinner! Disney World? Come on little dude. Be real! Bowling? Eh. It's still an option since he suggested it. Maybe another sleepover he said. No thanks! Let's hope I can avoid that. I need at least a year in between those anyway. Whatever it is, I'm hoping I won't need a personal loan to afford it. Fingers crossed.

SECOND: I've been resubmitting my flash fiction lately but I haven't been writing as much of those as I'd like. So March will be my month to grab some story starters from some books a friend loaned me and from prompts other friends post and let's see what comes out of my head every day, Mon-Fri. I'm still thinking about when I'll do it. It will have to be about the same time every day but when am I consistently free? Getting up earlier is out of the question. I'll work something out but no matter what, I start on March 2nd. Hopefully I'll entertain you for the month. A personal challenge to myself. My own March madness.

THIRD: This is it! This is the month the contest wraps up. Have you voted for us today in the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

Sacrifice for the Lambs

Parenting is hard. You knew that. But just in case you didn't because you don't deal with children in any way or you didn't know because you are one of those parents that lets the kids raise themselves, I'm just here to reiterate to the world that parenting is hard. So much self-sacrifice and you never really think of all the little things you may need to sacrifice occasionally or for a really long time, waiting on that magical time when they are old enough to do something or grown up and gone, gone, gone, woah oh oh oh.

You may have to get up early when you're a night owl because I think most kids are wired to wake up with the birds lest they miss a cartoon re-run.

You may have to go to bed late no matter how tired you are because of homework that never ends. "Are we done yet?" "No. I have another worksheet in my folder." Ugh.

You may have to miss that favorite TV show for the same reason, so you DVR it but can you watch it? Probably not because you want to sleep, which you can't do as much as you'd like so the shows pile up and then you delete them because you're running out of space.

You may have to miss some activity you'd like to do so they can have activities of their own. After all, they need to be exposed to things and develop a life of their own.

You do have to ALWAYS rephrase things in your head before you say something the wrong way or that you don't mean, thus risking damaging their psyches or opening yourself to questions you aren't ready to answer.

You may have to miss work to take them to an appointment or to go to their school or because they are sick or because you are exhausted and the only rest you will get is when they go to school and you finally get the house to yourself.

You may have to live in a pigsty, no matter how much you hate it because sweeping every day is exhausting and asking repeatedly for the bookbags and clothes and small, pointy toys to be removed from the common areas makes you tired of hearing your own voice.

You may have to settle for quickies in the middle of the night when you'd rather sleep instead of slow-pace in the well-rested mornings because someone is forever slamming open your bedroom door just to do a little dance and then leave.

You may have to lock the bathroom door or else be forced to referee an argument from your porcelain throne. You really should just go ahead and lock that door.

You may have to put on a rubber glove to do anything in the backseat of your own car because it's always a dumping ground of the little inhabitants who insist they need to bring everything they own with them everywhere they go and then leave it there for future automobile entertainment.

You may have to eat a lot of cereal because the rest of the good food disappears faster then morning bagels in the office kitchen. They are ALWAYS hungry and will tell you so in a really whiny voice.

You may have to wear clothes you are tired of so they can buy the books in the school bookclub or get new shoes that never last more than a year anyway or simply save for some future thing you know you are going to want for them.

And just when you think you have nothing left to give and no more patience, they crawl like a cat to your side on the sofa and kiss you just because you are you. They stare at you while you watch TV just "because I love you." They work hard to find a joke that makes you laugh and run in triumph to tell the other one they succeeded. They tell daddy, "You need to treat mommy like a queen," because something in them tells them that's how it should be. And you fall in love with them all over again.

Have you voted for us today in the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

Super Me!

Visited Kerri who sent me to get sheroed. So I did. That's right. Don't mess with me.



Have you voted for us today in the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

Walking a Mile

Everyone has to deal with something, right? Diabetes, MS, ADD, anorexia, something. I've been pondering writings about life with a live-in lodger of some ailment. I thought, "What would I think about on a daily basis if it were me? Could it be me?"

I've told you my main health thing - eczema. Does it compare to some of the really life-threatening illnesses? Does anyone's specific ailment compare to another's? Sure it does. Be honest. We all count our blessings that someone else's cross isn't ours to bear. And when you are at whatever YOUR worst is, is it not a personal hell for you that seems no one else will ever experience? It's not selfish to me to feel this way. How we express it is a different thing, but I'm not writing about that expression. I'm just giving you a glimpse of me living with my own thing - daily.

What do I think about.

1 - Clothing choices. Never wearing anything synthetic. At my best, I can get away with it. At my worst, it's 100% cotton, baby. There is also never wearing anything sleeveless without a shrug or something tagging along, unless I am on a distant island where no one knows me and I therefore don't care what they think. Years of topical steroids have thinned my skin so that it looks like I have some sort of stretch marks, when really it's a loss of elasticity in places. Needless to say, summer can be maddening. Why care? Have you shopped lately? I can't escape the sleeveless shi(r)t but do I want to dress like I'm 80 and about to plow? Yeah. I do have strong feelings about this.

2 - Food choices. I love oranges and tangerines and orange juice. LOVE THEM. Haven't had them in years upon years. When I was pregnant with my first child, I saw clearly the effect the acid from this fruit has on my skin. So no fresh oranges (for my kids either). Or apples. Or pears. Or acidic anything. Kind of limits the wonderful fruit choices. Other foods to beware? Anything with milk in it. But milk isn't good for the digestive system of many of us anyway, so maybe that's a good thing.

3 - Pregnancy choices. Part of the reason why baby #3 is a hard decision to make is because of what I may have to live with. Your favorite rough leather purse? Smooth as silk compared to how I can be. When I am in full flare-up mode the comments range from "Are you wearing makeup? Looks nice!" (I'm not.) to "Were you burned in a fire?" Yep. Been asked that at least twice. A great self-esteem builder.

4 - Living at the doctor's office. I was born with eczema but I did not look like it nor did it affect my life until college when I lived off campus with a couple of friends in a house where animals used to live. I'm not allergic to them, per se, but dust is all the dead cells people and animals leave behind. Mites eat that up and dig deep into carpets and such. I am allergic to the mites. And trees. And grass. And winter. And spring. And summer. After diagnosis, I was predictable. Mini flare ups in certain places on my body at certain times of the year. Livable. After pregnancy, I was unpredictable and remain so. Stress, food, fabric, anything can set me off. I am on my 5th dermatologist since my 1st pregnancy but so far he's a keeper. Still, after a while, your skin knows your tricks and the meds don't work like they used to and you may even have to just find a new doctor and start all over again. Allergy shots - 2 years, twice a week, 20 minutes per visit - didn't work out.

5 - Permanency. Scratches on me leave permanent marks, unless I get a plastic surgeon to take care of it like I did last time. Ever itched so bad but tried not to scratch? It's hard, huh?

6 - Fragility. If you cut me in any of the places where my skin is thinnest, I will easily be hurt. I've been cut by the pricetags on clothes. That's how fragile my skin is. My family's touches can be too rough sometimes because I bruise very easily. My personality is strong because my first line of defense is not.

7 - The future. Old people are wrinkled. I'm already living with less-than-youthful skin. Where exactly is left for me to go? I try not to think about it.

For me, the crap going on inside of you that doesn't show has a blessing built in because it stays inside of you. I wear mine on my sleeve literally. When it's bad, I can't sleep. I am scratching without even thinking. Skin is all over the place like I'm leaving trails of pepper everywhere I go. (Am I grossing you out? Stop now.) Scratching leaves me vulnerable to staph infections which I easily get. I retain water to the point of not being able to wear shoes or, once, even walk at all. Moving is painful because of the lack of elasticity in the skin. My skin is thick because, oddly enough, eczema is about skin trying to repair itself and it does so quickly on top of itself. This, ironically, makes me a REALLY fast healer.

The thickness of my skin makes me hot which makes me sweat and sweat keeps the itch cycle turning. Showers must be cool, not hot, and yes showers, not baths because you can't be in water too long. And if there is anything in the tap water, I will know it because it will sting my skin like someone rubbed salt on a wound. And intimacy? Who wants to cuddle up to that or show it to anyone else? No. That goes into a coma too.

At this moment, I can feel my eyelids because they are the affected place right now. Funny thing is women love my eyes. They think I am a whiz with the mascara talking about the way I blend so perfectly. It's not my doing, ladies. God did that blending for me. In full flare-up mode, I look like a model.

You know how that perfect outfit makes you feel? Nothing needs to be adjusted. Everything falls in the right place whether you are sitting or standing or bending over. You look good and you're comfortable so you are free to concentrate on whatever task is at hand. You walk around confident that your outfit is doing its job to not make you self-conscientious in any way. Walking around in my skin is the opposite of that. It's like walking around in an outfit you have to constantly adjust. I am always, always, ALWAYS aware of myself.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. Just putting myself in someone else's shoes of writing about having to live with an affliction and how it affects my daily life. We all have our thing. Eczema and I have gotten used to each other and I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

What are YOU living with?

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No Words Needed

Have you voted for us today in the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

Stir Yourself Up

Lately I've been thinking about motivation. How I do all I do and how others seem to think I am a one-woman dynamo but really, it's just my way. I'm not really doing anything that others can't do. It's just I have this thing, a weird need to do multiple things at one time (not necessarily literally) and I still don't know yet why I am that way.

The rest of the world does things the normal way - they start something, they finish it, they start a new thing. Yes, they have to sometimes be a parent, spouse and employee all at once and then maybe they throw in one other love of theirs to help keep themselves fulfilled. But that, I think, is what most sane people prefer to handle at once and I think that's great. When I need to chill out, this is what I fall back to doing.

I never claimed to be sane when it came to this compulsion of mine. I do think it is a compulsion but I do not think it is a sickness. It is - again - my way. I get bored easily so multiple things keep me entertained. I do one thing and maybe jump to the next and around I go until one things gets done, actually until right BEFORE one thing gets done, then I go find something else to bring into the mix lest I'm short one thing and suddenly find myself feeling like I have too much time on my hands. Yes. I do feel that. And it's a weird feeling because it's like not being able to breathe suddenly. Not having something to do makes me antsy.

And then there are my down times.

Like the one I just had. There are short ones, which this was, and then are are longer ones. Both are brought on by a need to rejuvenate. If I never took a break, I'd go to work and be on a computer all day. I'd then go home and be on the computer in my email, or writing, or doing stuff for my business all night. Somewhere in there I have to do things with and for the kids and sometimes Mr. T who works a lot himself so he actually doesn't disrupt things too often. Oh, and I have to sleep too. And this is what I do a lot. Until I get tired. I don't really get tired of stuff I am doing. I just need to get away from the computer and when I do that, that means all that other stuff doesn't happen because after all, my business and my networking are online matters. My writing isn't but I still need the computer to write since my hand never moves as fast as my brain.

So for a good week but probably more like 2 weeks, I worked, I went home and maybe did a little more work for my job because I can. But my business email overfloweth. My Twitter friends didn't hear from me for a week for sure. Facebook friends and my business networking groups had to wait. I didn't think about greeting card copy. I didn't think about my book. And I was happy.

"I don't know how you do all you do, Monica," is something I hear a lot. Well, this is how. I know me. I know when I need a break and I take it. I motivate myself. Motivation is a funny thing. If you want to do all those things you want to do, you can't count on motivation to keep coming from others. Sometimes you have to be able to motivate yourself but at the same time, the more you allow yourself to be around and do the things that motivate you, the longer you will probably last. Still, you have to know yourself and listen to yourself and agree to chill out when your body calls for it. Doesn't matter how many voice mail messages you have. And I know that being around certain people and watching certain shows WILL stir something up in me, so I purposely stay away until I hear that call to come back and get moving again.

I hear a whisper of it now. I went back to Twitter and started my usual chatter. "Where have been Monica!" I just needed a little hiatus, that's all. I cleared up my personal email that can get crazy but not nearly as crazy as the business email. That took longer than expected so tonight I will hopefully get the business email. And I will set up an autoresponder so people know not to expect an immediate response because yes, I am busy and I do want to respond but just can't do it right then. I will filter more of the emails too so I see less stuff in my inbox. Just seeing it can give a person agita, you know. I really hate a full emailbox anyway.

Just like daily prayer helps keep you in tune with God and Him speaking to you, doing something for yourself to help you advance in your personal goals every day is a necessity to keep going. Again, I'm compulsive, so I do something nearly every day because I simply must or I can't breathe. But this is how I am able to do it. And I am around others mostly like me. That helps. But each one had to find their own way to keeping the fires burning.

Also, I know what my gifts and talents are. I know as much of my purpose as God has allowed me to understand thus far. And this helps give me fulfillment. I am not able to last too long in anything that makes me unhappy so I have no choice, you see? I have to do what I love and I have to do it all the time or I get REALLY antsy because I feel like I am wasting my time. I am a mother and wife and employee and writer and business owner and if I can do all that, so can you.

Motivate yourself if you think you need it. I just got a tip from a coach whose list I am on. Keep a success journal. Write down every success - big and small - you achieve. When you need a lift, go back to it and remind yourself of what you have accomplished so far. This is one way to motivate and inspire yourself. To me, life is too short and unpredictable to wait for some special time to do something. There will always be something or someone commanding your time. You can't do it all right now and at the same time, but you can work on it a little every day and keep pressing until you get there. Know yourself and what stirs you up.

You can't just be a talker though. You have to be a doer. So go do you!

Have you voted for us today in the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

I Want to Sleep. I Want to Thank.

I am tired. I get this way sometimes so I'm not worried about it. When you do a lot like I do it's bound to happen. All I want to do at the moment is go to work, go home and do whatever homework the kids have that's not done (there is always undone homework no matter what time I get home), and then watch TV or play sudoku on Son's DS. That's it. I'm not in the mood for anything else at the moment. So my life is waiting on me. It's a puppy I tossed outside to do its business and now it's clawing at the door trying to get back in.

• It's the lesson I need to complete for my children's writing course.
• It's the bio I need to write for the woman who interviewed me for her book.
• It's the HUNDREDS of emails I need to go through in my business emailbox.
• It's the single page I need to write (and the other page I need to update) in order to be done with my book proposal.
• It's the email I need to send out to reconnect with people who took an interest in our puzzles.
• It's the ad I need to create to go in the newspaper some time next month.
• It's the catalog I need to review.
• It's the people I need to respond to about hopefully using/selling/advertising our puzzles.
• It's the printer I need to visit about some projects and a proposal my partner and I want to make.
• It's the greeting card copy I need to write. (This dog is getting bigger by the letter, right?)
• It's the labels I still need to print off for the last of the puzzles we repackaged.
• It's the 2 articles I need to review before passing them on to a friend to edit for me.
• It's the vending this month I need to start preparing for.

So what's in the way?

• My son has more work to do to complete his Bear Badge requirements. He can't do it alone. And then come the extra badges.
  
• My son has signed up for Little League and the first clinic to help him start getting ready is this Saturday. There's another in 2 weeks. Then maybe some training in March. LL starts in April.
  
• My daughter sings in the children's choir and though rehearsal is currently only once a month, it's still something else to do. (It's going to go 2x a month soon.)
• We're thinking about signing Daughter up for swimming lessons so she can finally do what she thinks she can do - swim. Son has enough on his plate right now. He can learn later.
  
• Every. Single. Weekday, there is homework I have to help finish or a project that is coming up - for either kid, sometimes both and sometimes this require library visits.
  
• You know, that refrigerator does NOT clean itself. Nor does the tub. Or the dishes. And the laundry, though full of pieces with perfectly good arms and legs, refuses to pick itself up and walk upstairs for me. I think I've told you in the past this is OK because the spouse tends to cook and clean the rest of the bathroom and vaccum and grocery shop so no, I can't put any of this off on him.
• Daughter wants me to read to her. I don't do it every night but she tries. After a certain hour, my reading skills are zapped, I keep telling her.
• I really need to do Daughter's hair. That means at least 4 hours out of any given day. Probably closer to 6 depending on how small I make her braids, if I braid it that same day. In the meanwhile, the puffs she loves so much taunt me. Daring me to wash them. (This is one of those times I thank God for our hair and the fact that we don't have to wash it every day.)
• I should probably factor in the myriad of other events that crop up - The graduation dinner I went to last night for people I know who graduated from the business workshop I took years ago; the PTA meeting tonight, the hair appointment Friday night.
  

And at work?

• There are columns to read and magically transform into whatever the focus du jour is at that time.
• There's a whole website to periodically go through and keep track of.
• New stuff to write.
• Old stuff to update.
• People to manage off site.
• Questions to answer.
• Info to research for various projects or quizzes or whatever needs to be created.
• Newsletters to write.
• And that's all just a bit of everything I do that I could easily do every day until at least 7 before going home to wrangle homework and force people to take their baths.

I should go to a couple of business networking meetings twice a month but I haven't the energy right now. I should go to my sorority meeting once a month, but I don't feel like tripping up to Hartford even that amount of time. Son's birthday is coming up. I really should start thinking. Daughter saw Dora on a billboard. I really should look into it or else cover up all the windows on the car except the front one. Valentine's Day is coming. I need to go order a cake from the one place I know will make it but it's a special trip, not a stop along any way I normally travel. I need to blog. Oh wait! I'm doing that now. Yay! I should visit my other online networking groups. Soon, I hope.

My fatigue, however, does not keep me or Bizzy Girl from thinking of ways to get the business to work itself while our children are taking over our lives. Her daughter's schedule is equal or greater than my two put together. We have a current idea that we are discussing and it's not a small step to make if we do it; if we can find the right person to do it with us and we have someone in mind but will he do it?

Now, in other news, Eve from Are We There Yet? graced me with an award almost 2 weeks ago! Finally I am able to mention it and thank her for it. She's cool people. A new friend I made in the webosphere. Here's my award. Cool, right?



Here are the rules:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received the award.

My ten won't be easy to compile because honestly, I don't really have time to follow 10! But the few I have - who actually update their blog that is - fit the bill so easily.
1 - YewNorkBabe
2 - LooneyMom
3 - SixUntilMe
4 - Hot Chocolate Caramel Mocha
5 - Nadine Thompson

All of these women are funny and/or engaging and/or inspiring and/or moms or a wonderful mix of some or all of these qualities. It will do your heart good to visit them all if you can find more time than I can to do it.

Break over. Thanks for helping me chill a bit. Back to work.

Have you voted for us today in the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

A Big Dash of This, A Little Dash of That

The Job
It's been another hectic week. Well maybe hectic isn't the best word. I've just been buried at work and trying to get a project done that was first conceived about 4 years ago when I started the job and got serious about a year ago when we finally got the graphic treatment going for it. It's a time line and it starts back to CBE times. Thinks it's easy? Nope. Not when you're trying to get as accurate information as possible and pictures too. And remember we're talking CBE times all the way to the present. Oh and after you've finally knuckled down and gathered all that info, it has to be typed up in a format for the graphic artist. And when that's done you have to read it all, word for word, date for date looking for editorial mistakes. You try to cover about 2,000 years and see if you don't miss a comma or two. So when that's done, you get other eyes on it and they find all kinds of things and ask all kinds of questions. Again, we're trying to make this the best time line out there. There are a lot out there but they are really repetitive and it's clear most people are taking from each other. We were no exception, but the other time lines were just a starting point. I went to the library to add to it. Got intern help to study some things and work in more complete thoughts. And now our new editorial assistant is helping me to find answers to the plethora of questions that rose during the last round of proofing. I am literally 1 unanswered question, 1 addition of a link, 1 addition of a photo, and 2 unanswered questions of my own away from completing this thing and doing the proof that will find all the books titles that need formatting and all the weird character codings or lack of punctuation. That won't be quick either but at least the study of history will be over for now - at least until the public gets a hold of it and starts sending us emails about what they think is wrong or missing. When you work for a company that has a membership base, it's hard not to get a little resentful sometimes at people's comments about how we do things. We think the public must see us as some mighty corporate machine. But if they only knew all the little gerbils on the wheels keeping that mighty thing going. We do A LOT and we care A LOT too but I think only those of us behind the scenes know that. Oh well. I still love my job.

The Book
I have been one page and one more bio away from finishing this proposal. Every day I hope to get it done and every day I'm too tired from work to do it. I come home and do some things for Village Works - not as much as I need to though - and check a zillion emails because of the various groups I am in, trying to quickly delete the unnecessary stuff and the stuff I can always see some other time. I am seriously considering adding an auto message to let folk know I get their email. They just need to give me a moment to respond. I WILL finish the proposal. Maybe today? Well, today I have a meeting to go to with a potential customer. Then a workshop with one of my networking groups. I WILL get it done. Maybe tomorrow?

The Inauguration
I still haven't posted my thoughts about that and I do have a few. The post is started. I'll get it done. But in the meanwhile, I do want to tell you I bought the photo book "Yes We Can" by Scout Tufankjian. Knowing that this photojournalist followed Barack Obama for nearly two years before she knew how great he would be makes this book all the more dynamic. The faces. The tears. I was moved by the election. So-so about the inauguration. This book gave me another perspective and it was powerful. I got it for about $17 on Amazon. It's worth adding this to your cache of Obama memorabilia.

The Son
It's about report card time around here. Son's teacher sent home a sheet that would allow us to sign up for a time to meet but she checked off the box that said there were no issues with Son and she didn't need to see us. Cool. Until we got the actual progress report:

Writing - Should work on elaboration and stronger endings. Focus on developing heart of story.
Science - Good test score. Project not on topic.
Penmanship - Work on connections.
Other - Appears to be uncertain when given direction for assignments or on instruction.

In order to improve he needs to revise and edit work; improve the quality of work; listen attentively; and follow directions.

Was I supposed to NOT be concerned about this? Son had reasons why he didn't understand some things. They each get 1 on 1 time with a teacher who focuses on reading. So he misses class. The project? I must have missed something too when he did it. I know I am always frustrated at home by how much Son doesn't seem to get when he's doing homework and how much work it is to pull things out of him that I know he knows or he would know if he just stopped to think for a minute. Seems she was having that same issue at school. So it's not me being too demanding. Good.

I know what I am always telling Son. She needed to hear his thoughts and we needed to be sure she and I were in agreement about her expectations. We needed to meet. Mr. T and I agreed he was on his DS way too much and it was messing up his ability to concentrate and his teacher said she noticed that as well in this generation of kids. Of course Son didn't agree with any of that but his time got drastically cut during the school nights anyway. He asked for Brain Age and had the money for it so I bought it and he's on that DS playing now. We're going to re-do that project, even if he gets no credit. He asked to be in Little League and I signed him up because he insisted he wanted to do and I can't pass up a chance to get him outside running around of his own free will. I added some extra handwriting work after he's done with his homework and the school has a study website to help them get ready for the testing that's coming up for them soon. He'll be OK.

Well, I can say more but I won't right now. Time to get dressed and ready to go. I have 3 more posts to work on and you can all expect to see those soon. Otherwise this thing would get crazy long, longer than even I do and you know I write tomes on here.

But before you go:
Have you voted for us today in the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

Do You Need to Stick It Out?

Every now and again, I like to share with you the words of one of my favorite life coaches, Valerie Burton. This one is about perseverance and I love it because it confirms for me that sticking with my business makes sense. It also reconfirms that as annoying as marriage can be sometimes, I do have the ability to revel in the things I love about my husband and leave the stupid stuff to God to work out.

So in the words of Valerie:

One of the greatest lessons I've learned is the power of perseverance. And it's the message I'd like to share with you this week.

"In the confrontation between the river and the rock, the river always wins," says a quote I recently read. "Not through strength but through perseverance."

Achieving your vision may not happen in the time frame you'd prefer, but if you prayerfully plan your work and work your plan, you will triumph. Like the rushing water that wears down the rock over time, perseverance is your key to success. Perseverance is a manifestation of faith, and "the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen." Perseverance is fueled by your faith and belief that your vision will eventually come to pass.

January is a time when I receive more questions than usual about how to make changes in one's life. "Why are most people unable to make lasting changes?," a reporter asked me recently. I think it is because most people expect quick results, and when they don't see them, they give up. It is easy for us to give up when we are not clear and specific about the vision, and do not have a compelling reason for achieving it. For example, let's say your goal is to "lose weight," and your reason is so that you can fit into the jeans you wore in college. The goal is unspecific and the reason simply may not be compelling enough. What might be more compelling? You might say instead, "I want to lose 25 pounds over the next six months so that I no longer feel self-conscious about how I look, which keeps me from being confident in my everyday interactions." Perhaps your vision is to take your business or career to the next level and double or triple your income. It's an exciting goal, but without a compelling purpose, even money will not give you the fuel to persevere to the finish line. To persevere, you need to be driven by a purpose and the values that matter most to you. For example, you might say, "I want to double or triple my income so that I can accumulate money that will lead to financial freedom. With financial freedom, I'll have the flexibility to spend more time with the people who matter most to me, and experience things I've dreamed of my entire life." A compelling purpose will give you the energy to persevere in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

In what area of your life do you need to make a decision to persevere? Perhaps it is in your marriage or with a child who is testing your limits. Perhaps you need to persevere as you pay off the debt that feels like it will never be eliminated. Maybe it is an area of your work, health or spiritual life. If you really want to reach your vision, you can. Trust God, keep making progress, and be patient. Your success will come.

When you feel discouraged, remember these three principles for achieving lasting change:

1. BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR VISION.
You must know where you are going. "Write the vision and make it plain ..." Habakkuk 2:2 advises. Be specific about what you want. Pray about it, then meditate and listen for direction about your vision in your spirit. Always follow your intuition. It is a divine compass - a gift from God to help you clarify your decisions.

2. HAVE A COMPELLING PURPOSE FOR ACHIEVING YOUR VISION.
It is essential to have pure motives for achieving your vision. Know why you want what you want - and be sure that the purpose is aligned with what truly matters to you. Don't spend your life trying to achieve a vision that is not completely your own. Meeting everyone else's expectations without meeting your own will drain your energy, leaving you empty. You need energy to persevere and energy is derived from passion and purpose. If you're not passionate and purposeful, you need to adjust your vision so that it is aligned with your passion and purpose in life.

3. PERSEVERE UNTIL THE VISION IS FULLY REALIZED.
Lastly, and most importantly, keep moving forward! "Never, never, never give up," Winston Churchill famously said in a 1941 speech. Sounds simple, but it works. If you stick with it long enough, the vision will come to fruition. You will make mistakes along the way, so learn from them. You will not do it perfectly, so give yourself permission to be human. But when you leave yourself with no other option but success, you will likely achieve it. Giving birth can be painful, but as mothers everywhere will attest, the temporary pain is worth the precious gift. Giving birth to your vision is the same way.

Whatever you are attempting to create in your life right now, plan your work, then work your plan until you get what you are expecting.

I have found that the greatest benefit of persevering is the person you become in the process. You learn lessons you would not otherwise have learned. You develop higher levels of faith and discipline. And you experience a higher level of satisfaction when you finally accomplish the vision. The process of perseverance isn't always pleasant, but it is often necessary to fulfill your potential and enjoy the richest rewards life has to offer.

Keeping Up With Obama

I've got another post going about this inauguration stuff but I'm not done with it yet. First, I don't know about you, but I will be following our new president with great interest. Agree with him or not, I believe, thus far, that he is going to do the very best he thinks he should do. So I'll give that a try and wait to see how things work out.

If you want to follow him too, here are some options!

1 - Did you know he's on Twitter? Of course he may not be tweeting himself anymore - maybe he never was - but if you are on Twitter and want to follow, he is here: http://twitter.com/barackobama.

2 - Just saw there was a radio address from him and plans for a weekly one. Here's the first: http://www.whitehouse.gov/. FYI, there's a blog there too.

3 - Need all Obama, all the time? Well, others do too. This is one thing I found out there from newsbusters.org:

Do you need Obama coverage 24 hours a day? In several markets, Comcast cable is launching an all-Obama, On Demand channel. (In D.C., it's channel 963).

My guess is your local cable/satellite might have something like that too.

4 - Want to have your say in what Obama should focus on in the White House? Change.gov is where you can find the minutes from meetings Obama had during the transition and now you can voice your opinion about what he should do next. http://citizensbriefingbook.change.gov/.

There's more. I'll find it. Don't you worry. It's just a little something to get you started. Enjoy!

Have you voted for us today in the Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition? Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. There's even a new meter there now to show you how hot we are! Go ahead. Vote! We wanna be hot, hot, hot! Thanks for your support!

From the Shirts of Babes

My nephew says it all:



Happy Inauguration Day!

Change of Plans & A Few Words from Susan Taylor

It's a major weekend this weekend. A turn in the road kind of day, today. Today there was a brunch in Philadelphia celebrating 20 years since I graduated from high school. My friends from the Philadelphia High School for Girls, b.k.a Girls' High, are coming out of the woodwork on Facebook and it's great seeing them virtually if not in person right now. They look great and since I was always the youngest in any class I was in (December babies usually are), we're talking about 38- and 39-year-old women here. I'm sure there was some talk about being so close to 40. I'm betting the cliques bonded again but that no one really felt left out since we were all in a more mature place in life. I wish I could have been there. But the plan was to be in D.C. for the next 3 days. The plans changed.

Instead, my friend and I mulled over the idea of being in potentially bone-chilling cold for hours before and during the event. We found out that food was not allowed to be brought in. Cameras can be but not camera bags. They are opening the Mall in anticiption of the crowds and if you've never been there, let's just say you do not want to be in the middle of there surrounded by hoards of people pressing around you and THEN need to go to the bathroom. Thankfully, my bladder knows how to behave and if I drink nothing in the morning, I'm cool for hours.

Then the questions became just how much would we be able to see? How long would the lines be in all the places we'd need to go or want to go? There was also my friend's father saying, "I wish you'd reconsider." He was worried about her safety. Neither she nor I are easily scared so that wouldn't have stopped us if this whole thing took place in, say, June. But the rest were factors we heavily weighed and when she hesitated the first time, I told her, it's OK. I don't mind NOT spending money. So she canceled the room. We're home to enjoy the whole thing from the best seat in the house - our homes.

But this is not only the week of President-Elect Obama's inauguration. Tomorrow is also the Dr. Martin Luther King holiday. I have NEVER been off for the holiday because no place I ever worked closes for that day. But I had taken off these 3 days to go to D.C. and decided to stay home Monday and Tuesday at least to take it all in without the disruption of the job. There is a program at my church tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. in celebration of Dr. King. It is sponsored by a local group and held at our church every year since our church is one of the largest here. The kids from Son's summer literacy program will recite the pledge they learned from the program, which means Son and I need be there. The keynote speaker is Susan L. Taylor, editor emerita of Essence magazine.

Earlier today, Bizzy Girl called me to tell me she got a free ticket to the meet and greet with Ms. Taylor that was taking place this evening. Could I go? Mr. T was out getting groceries but if he got home in time, heck yeah!

Why does Suan Taylor matter?
Susan Taylor's magazine is as old as I am so I grew up under the influence of this publication. I dared to dream about being a writer and even having my own magazine because of this woman's work. When people told me in college that I'd have to wear my hair straight for job interviews, I thought about Ms. Taylor and her ever present cornrows and I told them all, it's me as I am or it's nothing. After all, those people weren't going to be the ones doing my hair. (Yes, I've worn braids at every job I've had thus far.) One of my summer jobs in college was working as a cashier at a drug store in my neighborhood. When I was talking with some of the other employees about our dreams and goals, I mentioned wanting to write for Essence one day, or just being able to work there doing anything would be a great start, though I never relished the thought of being in New York. The white assistant manager of the drug store, Jerry Rice (yes, his real name. I don't care if I out him.) chuckled. "Essence? What's that?" I rolled my eyes at his naivete. Since he hadn't heard of the magazine it must not have been too big a deal right? Wrong, little man. Oh, how narrow your world must have been. It was a simple, dismissive statement, but thanks to him, I became even more resolute to do what I wanted to do.

So when I got the chance to meet Susan Taylor, I had to take it. Bizzy Girl and our other partner in the traditional greeting cards were going. We were going to give her one of our puzzles too. You never know where opportunity will strike so why not?

Ms. Taylor got up to speak and it was hard to catch everything she said. We did hear loud and clear that she was 62, turning 63 this week. You'd never guess it. She glowed.

I wanted to take it all in. The room was small and intimate and she had a mic but despite that, she spoke a little fast, not always clearly and we only caught snippets of what she said, but we got the whole message loud and clear. At this time of change in our country, here are some of the things she said:

"(Barack Obama) cannot save us. No one president can."

"Take care of you first."

"We have to embrace our own joy."

"Your responsibility is to you."

"It's a new day. Attend to your joy."

"We can get this right. It starts with us taking care of ourselves."

"Do what you have to do to keep moving forward."

"Hurt people hurt people." (Jerry Rice was most likely a hurt person.)

Afterward, we purchased her latest book and she signed them for each of us. "We have something for you," Bizzy Girl told her amidst all the chatter around us. "What's in that envelope she gave you," I pointed out, "we created it. That is what we do in our business." Ms. Taylor gave us an impressed look and hugged us for a picture. We waited until she was done hoping to get our own picture with her but she had already gone by the time we got back to her table. But it's OK. Bizzy Girl will see her tomorrow when she arrives at the church to speak. She'll have a private moment, more than likely and that's when she will see if she can mention us to her again.
We noticed before Ms. Taylor left that she'd only gotten a few things from the people in attendance so maybe the chance was high that she'd open the puzzle tonight. We had written messages to her on the back of the puzzle. One of them encouraged her to email us if she enjoyed the puzzles.

Wouldn't it be great if she did? If she does email a positive reaction, I will ask her if I can use it as a testimonial and add it into our marketing materials. Wouldn't it be great if she wanted some for herself and gave them out to her influential friends, including Oprah who decided it was one of her favorite things this year? Wouldn't it be great? This is the year of reaping, my friends. You just never know.

Know what else would also be great? If you voted for us in Start Up Nation Leading Moms in Business 2009 Competition. Check it out here. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you vote and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT. Thanks for your support!

That's It. We NEED Help.

I'm sick of this. There is so much we need to do for our business and so much we want to do too. There are people to respond to and people to reconnect with and opportunities to look into as well as create. There are doors still cracked for us and I want to walk through!

We have been on that precipice far too long. Just because Bizzy Girl and I are full-time workers and mothers, does not mean we can't do this but we need help and we know it. We've always known it but help = time and time = money and money is something we can't dish out right now.

Although. Maybe.

If we think really hard.

And maybe if we get money back from taxes again. (I love having an accountant.)

There is ONE person we know who can do some of the job I am creating in my head. Not all of it, though. I'd like it all in one person. But still maybe we could come up with a figure and we would be somebody's project for the year and we'd pay a project fee.

Maybe.

Village Works is all about the village concept and it's necessary to call on other people sometimes, you know?

Well, this was just one part venting post and one part me writing things down in order to make it a reality.

So who is my dream personal assistant? Why let me tell you!

He or she is:

• local, first and foremost. I want to look in their eyes regularly.
• creative
• administrative
• professional
• eloquent in written and spoken word
• a good representative of us
• has clear understanding of what we do and want to do and who we are - the vision
• trustworthy
• organized
• fast
• independent
• either willing to work for experience/commission to start or sooooo affordable for us right now
• able to work just 1 hour per week for us at the very least. We don't have to be your all. We could be just one of the projects you work on.
• willing to sign a non-disclosure
  

This list is just the start. I may add to it but finding someone who has all this is my goal. Nope, not my dream. Forget that word for this. This has now become a goal.

NOTE: FYI. Have you voted for us yet? Check this out. We'd REALLY appreciate it if you do and you can do it every day until March 31, 2009 PT.

Support Village Works Enterprises LLC in the 2008 StartupNation Home-Based Business Competition

This is a contest we are in right now and voting is open through March. You can vote as much as you like but only once a day so if you're up for it, vote like crazy.

Now, we don't win anything tangible but it will give us bragging rights - though we aren't braggarts - and it will give us some publicity at the hands of some major players and that is worth it all.

My original thought was to keep this at the top of the blog, then I decided new people would see it, come back, and then maybe not realize I've stuck this here for now and think I haven't updated. So I'll just make sure each post from now until then links you back to this one! :-)

We thank you for your support!

Support Village Works Enterprises LLC in the 2008 StartupNation Home-Based Business Competition

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Dream Weaving

I love dreams. Not just the life-planning ones but the ones your mind entertains you with if you are lucky enough to fall into deep slumber. I don't really dream a lot so when I do, I pay attention to it because I believe they are always meaningful to you or someone if you take the time to work our their meaning. When someone else dreams about me, I take notice of of that too. My mind, as crazy as it is when I am awake, has been asleep on the job when it comes to dreaming but a friend recently emailed me a dream she had about me. (The one and only name in this has been changed because that's what I do here.):

Walking to wherever, I spotted you sitting and planting a small garden overflowing with colorful flowers under a big tree. We walked out to meet and greet each other and you showed me how Mr. T was planting grass (already very green and thick) in the yard. He was about to start paving the street, which had a big dip and breaks in the asphalt. He had his permits and equipment and was ready to start(and finish that day, apparently). You then gave me some light fixtures to donate to ??? -- and that was that.

I've been telling my prediction for 2009 and I may not have stated it clearly here yet but basically, 2009 is a year of reaping what we have sown. Could be good or otherwise but I think it's all working together for good if we let it. 2008 was a year of new beginnings/major changes and if nothing else, you've got to admit a black president is a whole new beginning/major change.

So if my friend's dream is meant for me, and I think it is, then I see some real reaping going on and I'm glad for it. I looked up the meaning of pavement and it has to do with setting goals. I laughed at reading this because my husband, at least when it comes to money, is a real planner. When he knows what he wants to do, he will make a detailed plan, although he sucks at sharing that plan. He likes to keep it close to the vest until time for action. But this dream has us all working together, as we should, and it just feels good to read that.

Now if this dream is meant for my friend, and I think it still is, then the message is to take this light of hope and blessings and pass it on. I know last year ended bleakly for many. We found out that the equity in our house was practically zapped. And I know this year is starting on the same bleak note but I for one can't help but feel good about last year - new president; new nephew; new and well-received products for our business. I guess because 8 is my favorite number, I don't see last year in a bad light at all. And this year just feels like all the things we've ever worked for will finally grow in a major way.

I've never experienced a job loss so I know I am speaking from a place of wishful thinking, but the opportunity for people to move into areas of passion to them is tremendous and I hope many people take advantage of that because I am POSITIVE God wants that for all of us. There is peace is pursuing the thing God created you to do and what is that, you ask? What do you love? What moves you? What gives you joy when you do it? Look there.

I know we live in a time of war, but the worldwide response to our new president should gives us all a sense of encouragement that we all want the same thing - peace and prosperity for all.

I know it seems like things fall apart, but for me, it helps push me toward my God and keeps my faith intact, and when the clouds are gathering and the storm is threatening, I can still thank God for growth that will come afterward.

No matter what your faith is, surely there are ways you keep yourself in a positive frame of mind. So tell me. Are you living the dream? Still dreaming? In a nightmare? Had a good, real dream that came true? The world wants to know!

My Desires for 2009

Emptying my head on virtual paper right now, planning what the business needs/wants to do for 2009. But while I'm thinking about that, a.k.a reality, I am also thinking about how things would be in an ideal world where time and money are not a concern.

What do I want to see happen in 2009? Well there's a personal level and a business level and I suppose the twain meet quite often. And no, this is not a resolution list. I don't do resolutions. I have goals and to-do lists that change all the time. Resolutions are mental prisons. I am free.

Now personally, I have two things that are my realistic goals:
1 - Seriously think about and work toward MAAAAYYBE planning for a baby next year. Can I be less concrete here? The physical prep for it can only do me good even if we decide against it but for now I want to act like it will be a go.
2 - Finish the freakin' book proposal! Spent the fall and start of winter working on the new line of greeting cards but that's not an excuse anymore.

Business-wise, I have a list of ideals. If someone said, "Monica, tell me what you want and I will make it happen," this is what I'd want:
1 - 8 more stores across the country gung-ho to sell our puzzles/greeting cards.
2 - 1 dozen teen-agers working as our teen sales team.
3 - One assistant to help me bring my ideas to life and to help us track the new and the old projects/products and one to help us focus on the customers.
4 - The website completely updated with all the bells and whistles we seek.
5 - A major vending piece in the summer and for the 2009 holidays, which will give us 4 for the year.
6 - 6 magazine mention/articles as the fun, hot, must-have product.
7 - At least 10 more sizeable custom jobs for the year.
8 - Noticeable profit for everyone involved, especially for the ones who've patiently stuck with us for the long haul.
9 - to grow from there in 2010 (even if a new baby joins the family).

So forget the resolutions. Anyone else have some goals/ideas for 2009?

What's Going On?

A lot. And not much.

I am sitting in bed on my wonderful, free laptop, which is sitting securely on my gifted purple lapdesk which is perched comfortably on my lap as I listen to Mr. T snore and I am letting you all know that not much is going on.

Bizzy Girl and I have been vending and we have one more to do for this month before we can start focusing on the new products for next year. We are going to do our first really large expo next September - about 17,000 people expected - so the job is to prepare for that while not missing our opportunities on the way. I am really excited.

I am not doing much.

The snow and ice has covered our world and more is expected. So I sit here watching whatever is on TV, catching up on my DVR'd shows, listening to the kids running and screaming. Earlier I pointed out to my husband the really fat diamond ring on some starlet's finger on Access and told him I really want one of those one day - a ring you can see from across a really wide street. We talked about that hypothetical third child and once again came to no real conclusion.

I am not doing much tonight.

A work friend texted me to thank me for recommending one of my favorite movies, Love, Actually, which I just bought but I loaned to her to watch first because she had never seen it before and I couldn't bear the thought of her not knowing that it's really not a chick flick but one of those romantic movies that is real but happy, not sappy. I've got Spanglish sitting in on my closet shelf. Do I feel like watching it tonight? Hmmm.

I am not doing much right now.

The kids just kissed me goodnight. They are planning to sleep together again tonight. I think Son thinks we don't know that he gets up in the middle of the night to play his DS or watch TV. He'll pull Daughter in with him again and she'll be tired tomorrow like she was this morning. But kids need to feel like they are getting away with things from time to time right? Not too often.

It's quiet now.

I know there is so much work to do at my job, and I managed to do 2 more jobs for my PT proofreading gig so they have stuff to do too. But tonight I won't sign on to the website or check work emails. I won't go looking on the proofreading server to see what's there. I'm just going to chill.

I am not doing much. Usually I am but right now, I am not. It's nice. Need to do this more often.

Another Precious Year

38 today. Wow. It's kinda weird to see that in writing.

Daughter said I will be old soon but I think she's 5 and dazzled by the freedom of her youth. Silly rabbit.

It's was sweet to open my laptop this morning and see "Happy Birthday" and heart stickers on it. It was funny to see a card from my editorial/IT co-workers and to have chocolate on chocolate cake. How'd they guess that? :-) My laptop now sits on my purple lapdesk on my outstretched legs as I write this right now, courtesy of these same co-workers, and even though it wasn't planned for me specifically, I even got a beautiful red Swingline stapler via the Yankee swap and that too was awesome. And lunch! Don't forget my birthday lunch that one co-worker/friend took me to.

Sweet, sweet, sweet.

Lots of birthday wishes on Facebook, an ice cream cake and my son reading to his sister AND helping her finish her homework so I can eat my cake and chill. Now THAT was the best gift of all.

Husband has to go to work so I get the bed to myself.

Oh yes. It's been a very good day.

Three's the Harm?

Visited my gyno this week. I always manage to forget my little medical issue until I do - if I have a third child, will he have to literally cut through bone to get to him? The X-rays I did earlier this year showed nothing. Except he's been there personally and knows I have some kind of calcification going on. It's enough to make him wonder if he'd need a bone expert with him should we go for #3. (Oh, in case you don't know. I get c-sections, thus the cutting.)

"I'd want to be prepared so I think I'd want you to do a cat scan, if you think you want to have another baby."

"uh, yeah. I'll get back to you on that."

Deliberately planning to have a child is no easy decision. Money, time, space, age and lack of energy come into play. Mr. T won't get off the fence and I can't seem to either. So I remain hopeful that God will override man's medical marvels and, if it's meant to be, Baby 3 - to be here known as The Baby - will come of his own accord, or God's.

In the meanwhile, I have my now 1-month-old nephew I can look at daily and wish I could hold. I can spend money on him if I choose and I don't lose energy doing it either. Plus, the distance actually keeps that baby bell from ringing because there is no physical contact to make me get off the fence one way or the other.

"But you keep talking about it, Monica."

You don't think I notice that? I don't know what to tell ya. The story continues.

A High Note

First of all, I just want to say my nephew is ADORABLE! Looking at his face. Had to say it. Nope. Haven't met him in person yet. Hopefully by March. I just wanted to say he's adorable and no, I'm sorry. I can't post his picture because while he is mine, he's not mine mine, you know?

I digress.

One week before my birthday - last night - I gave myself the gift of humiliation. Humiliation, once you have it, can make it easier to do something again because really, everyone already saw it so what's the mystery now?

"It" is me. Singing. Karaoke. With 2 co-workers in a contest at the office holiday party. Ok, singing isn't the best word. Nervousness had all 3 of us deciding to imbibe a bit, except I'm not a drinker so I sipped the one drink I had. Plus, it was only last week that I practically had no voice due to sinus issues. That + alcohol + nerves = 3 people singing You Can Ring My Bell in all sorts of keys. Not sure any of them were in the order they should have been.

We've discussed this before. I love to sing. Doesn't mean I'm good at it but I'm not horrible either. Of course, on a microphone, I learned that my voice sounds like someone is throwing it and it's hard to find your lost key when you don't even recognize the sound coming from your own mouth.

Nevertheless, there are some things in life that I need to do because it's part of who I am and it's not fair to bottle it up forever. Singing was one of them, whether it's karaoke or in the church choir, which I still need to do. Karaoke, at least, has the bar set really low and you have a shot at not disappointing too many people since they don't expect much anyway. After all, if I were like Whitney, I wouldn't be here blogging.

When they announced the contest, I immediately openly denounced it. "Are you doing it?" "No way!" But secretly I knew it was my chance to put that fear to rest, or at least have it take a nap for awhile. An innocent discussion with one of my departmental co-worker friends turned into her saying, "We should do it Monica!" Oh Lord. What have I gotten myself into? Next thing I know, we're convincing one of the guys to sing with us because we knew he'd be unexpected (I don't typically hang with him but I have nothing against him.) and he'd be comic relief, taking the attention from our nerves. He said yes immediately.

Then he said no. What the heck?

His departmental co-workers, he said, gave him such a hard time, next thing I know, my friend is telling me he's IMing that he's out.

So now I'm REALLY locked in while we talk him back in. After we rehearsed together a couple of times, we were laughing so hard, he was completely comfortable once again and raring to go.

Then the night came.

And he backed out again. Come on!

I won't tell you why. It will make this 6 foot something, hulking Russian guy look like a baby. But our 3rd partner came to rescue and got him back in again.

The rumors were flying. Everyone expected the Editorial chicks to do something. After all, we'd been playing "Put a Ring On It" out loud for about 2 days before the party. Playing. Singing. Dancing. Who was going to be Beyonce? That was the question. But we had no desire to humiliate ourselves THAT much.

All three of us ended up at different tables for dinner and the DJ said he wanted at least one rep from every table to sing. No one ran to the mic. So who serenaded us for awhile while we got our guts together? American Idol 5th season contestant Kevin Covais. He's 19 and adorable. He also has diabetes, thus the connection.

Still, no takers so we manned up. The Russian donned the feather boas and took the tiny bell that was drowned out by his deep voice and we had fun. Everyone else did too. People say we were brave. I guess. I only know I had something to prove to myself.

On the way home, I tried to figure out how I talked myself into this thing in the first place. What could have given me the courage? Alcohol? Naw. It's wasn't even a whole drink, though Mr. T. says I get tipsy off one. The prize money? Well, it was an incentive. Me getting ever older and less concerned about what others think? Could be. Was it that I'm working with a great group of people that I can genuinely work hard with and play hard with too? That's a possibility as well. In the end I decided I was just happy. Happy to be so blessed doing what I love, with people I respect. Living a life of purpose with a family that endlessly entertains me. I'm content. So maybe this was me showing that.

I'm glad I sorta conquered this nagging fear. It was worth it.

And yes, we won.

Make New Friends, But Keep The Old

My cell phone woke up my Christmas tree this morning. At least I'm pretty sure that's why it was twinkling its lights angrily at me when I went into my living room looking for my faithful purple friend who usually sleeps face down next to my bed. I had had a lot to drink last night - uh soda. Not spirits, thank you very much - so my bladder was kind enough to step in this morning to make sure I got going.

So I picked up my phone and in seconds it was screaming its usual wake up song at me, causing me to jump in fright.

"What gives? Why the yell, cell?"

Silence.

"OK. I accidentally left you in the living room last night..."

"And I bet you didn't even notice," she hissed.

"Woah. Power down there. I noticed....this morning," I replied sheepishly.

"Ever since you won that laptop. It's been Twitter this and Facebook that and blogging more. Visiting your business groups more. Meeting people more. Networking more. Getting word out more about your business. You even play cards on it! You used to play with ME that way, looking for fun ringtones to add to your list!"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry!"

"You walked right out last night and didn't even look back! Didn't you feel like something was missing? I remember hearing you tearing up the house once before when you'd thought you lost me. I was willing someone to call you or for an alarm to go off or something because I hated hearing you in agony. I loved you!"

"But I love you too! Don't you hear me cursing myself if I get in the car in the morning and think I left you on the kitchen table? Just yesterday I was patting myself down like a criminal thinking I had to go all the way back in the house to find you..."

"But I was in your pocket the whole time."

"That's right! You're a part of me. I do notice when you're not there. You. Complete. Me."

"Awww! It's just..."

"...that the laptop is here now and yes, it's letting me do all the stuff I was too lazy to do before because I'd have to trudge all the way downstairs in the cold to my stationary computer. I'm pretty sure it's not speaking to me now."

"Yeah. It does feel neglected."

"See? And I love it too. After all, we have that special bond. It will always be my first raffle prize. Irreplaceable."

"Should have seen this coming."

"What do you mean?"

"I know. Your last cell phone told me what happened last time a laptop was in this house."

"Oh. Yeah."

"What happened to that one?"

I looked away wistfully. "It was Mr T.'s. He...sold it."

Cell phone was quiet. "Why?"

"Someone saw it at work and liked it. That man is moved by the buck."

"Hmm..." I could hear it's batteries charging. "Any chance...."

"No. Way."

We sat in silence as I blogged our story.

"Um, Monica?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you have to get to work and get the kids up for school?"

"Oh shoot! What time is it?"

"Almost 7. What's wrong, your new laptop couldn't tell you that?"

I chose not to answer that. Laptop tells me the time alright, but in gentle prodding ways over in the corner of the screen. It doesn't like to intrude.

"Naw. Guess it can't do what you can Celly. And it's not a cool color like you are either."

"You're darn skippy it's not. Anybody can wear black. It's takes someone cool to pull off purple the way I do."

"Come on. Let me here that familiar ring again. Just, please, tone it down this time?"

Ahhh, the sweet sound of a cell phone alarm. Nothing like it.

Order in My Court

I am going to be 38 in 15 days. So you'd think I'd know me by now. But I seem to be at some odd stage where I am noticing things about myself again, like I did in my 20s, and realizing I've been this way my whole life. It's like Dorothy discovering she could get home the whole time.

Take this organization compulsion I have. Never thought a thing about it before now. Never saw it as a positive or a negative. Never put it on a resume as a skill. It simply didn't stand out for me as a trait. Only now does it seem to be proving it plays a huge part in who I am and how I do things.

All my life I have:

1 - liked things to balance in every way possible.
2 - hated for things to be out of place and that goes for people too.
3 - loathed messiness. My space, whatever it was, was neat when I started and neat when I ended because who wants to come back to the same stuff from a different day?
4 - made lists.
5 - preferred even numbers to odd. Ok that one may be a little off but it's just another form of balance to me.
6 - nothing really. Just wanted to end with an even number.

People noticed how my desk at work was always clean at the end of the day. When writing papers in school, organizing my thoughts was never the issue. Neither was organizing my locker. If you look in my car's glove compartment, you won't be afraid that you'll lose a hand in there.

I get a thrill at just seeing things in place. I feel at peace. I feel content. If it's messy, I feel scattered. I feel wrong. I get jumpy. I just can't think straight. Normal. I didn't think much about this. So what if I think clothes should be put in rainbow order. How else do you know what you have? Books should be categorized according to subject first, then either alphabetical by author or according to size (depends on my mood). And if you take something out of place, put it back so you'll never have to hunt for things.

I've been known to leave the house late for something because things are out of order. I tend to count things too like how many grapes I put into a sandwich bag to take to work. Gotta be an even number. I suppose I have a little Monk disorder.

So here I am facing 38 - and I have no problem with that - and I find myself growing less and less tolerant of certain behaviors in others as my own compulsions come more fully into the light. To my family: Will everyone please stop coming home and dropping stuff in the middle of the kitchen floor and dumping crap on the table? Why can't the stupid towels get hung up and why do people keep asking me whose is whose when I am the only one who hangs them up in the first place - in the same places - every time?

Balance and order. That's all I want. Is that too much to hope for? I suppose it is for some. I suppose I can be over the top. I laughingly tell people the extent to which I try to balance things, just to see their heads spin. For instance, I told you my birthday. Dec. 18th. Well, Daughter's birthday is Oct. 28. Note the 8 in her number like in mine. (I picked the day so it's no coincidence. I love 8's.) I didn't pick Son's date, however. His is March 14. I didn't pick Mr. T's either. His is Jan. 4. See all the even numbers? Makes me very happy. And notice the way the birthdays fell. the 1st and 3rd month of the year for the boys. The 10th and 12th months for the girls. The balancing of the placement of the months overrides the odd number of the boys' months. (Hey! I'm letting you in my head here for a sec. No judgments!) Soooo, you might remember that a 3rd child (nope, no fourth) has always been up in the air. But I know I'd be picking that date too. How do I get my balance? Well, I'd have to get pregnant in September, first of all. It's an anniversary month so not unlikely. That way I can shoot for June 6 or 16th. Middle month, middle number. Head spinning yet? This is my world. Thanks for visiting.

Back to my patience, she is a dwindling. Take my kids (please!). My kids' rooms stay in a war-torn state and it sickens me every time I look in there. "But they're kids!" "All kids' rooms are messy!" Are they? Really? REALLY? I called my mother not long ago because I had to know. I was giving myself this same excuse in my head but for the life of me it wasn't ringing true. I couldn't remember junk being all over my floor as a kid. Now, I never liked making up a bed, I admit. But I was forever trying to find ways to make things fit neatly together so I could get to whatever I wanted fast. I distinctly remember moving things around a lot always looking for the better way. Dolls were fitted neatly on each others' laps. Games were together and boxes were in size order. My mother confirmed it. I liked everything in its place. So, this mess my kids live in? It's because this is who they are, not simply because they are kids. They will mature and get better, I know. But I will be cleaning up behind them because it's who I am and it stresses me out to do nothing about it.

Who am I? Apparently I am who I always was but I didn't know this aspect until now. But it pleases me to know that I am this way because I have always admired it in others. So now, I admire myself. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy abstract stuff too , if only because I like to try to bring order to it, in my own mind anyway. Yeah. This is me. It's a little neurotic to others but when those same people are missing something, who they gonna call? You got it. And I'll be there to answer.

Oh Sonny Boy

I have 2 children. They are both the offspring of Mr. T and myself. They look alike, they act like, sometimes they even annoy alike. In my analysis thus far, Daughter exhibits the traits I like or accept in myself. Son exhibits the ones I have issues with.

I've talked about him before and will continue to do so not just because it's my blog and I'll whine I want to, but because this is how I process.

Daughter is moody, like me. It doesn't bother me.
Daughter isn't really a morning person, like me. I respect that.
Daughter has a fiery temper, like me. Son fears her at times. I just smile in recognition or else put her in her place.

Son is picky. I never called myself this but yeah, I like what I like and forget the rest. Still, I want him to be open because I wish I had been braver about things when I was younger.
Son is dramatic. Don't really see myself this way but that fiery temper tends to be my response to things sometimes and certainly that is over the top.
Son is slow to accept change. This could be related to the pickiness. I'm cool with change that I initiate. Otherwise, I may need a minute to readjust.

If you put my two baby bears on a rainbow and gave them a color, Daughter would be red and Son would probably be blue. So why do I clash more with my blue Son? Still figuring that out.

I admitted to a friend not too long ago that I prefer dealing with Daughter because she's easier for me. Ironic, considering I never wanted a daughter in the first place for fear we'd be too much alike and fight all the time. Son is actually easy to love. He's sweet, respectful, sincere, affectionate, smart, and when you really think about that whole pickiness thing, I suppose it shows he's strong-willed too. Who can't like those qualities? Well, those aren't the things that get to me.

Before you tell me not to compare my children, I tell you I already know they are individuals and to love them for who they are, blah blah blah. The fact is Daughter is brave. I wish Son were moreso. So many times things have come up that I am certain he would have liked if only he weren't so afraid of new things. When Daughter gets stressed, she gets angry. I suppose that is an emotion I understand so it doesn't bug me as much, though I do tell her she'll get nowhere with it. Son, on the other hand, cries and whines and repeats himself over and over and it nearly drives me nuts because of the relentless repetition of it all. If something doesn't make sense in his homework, he whines for help (I really never liked whining.) and there is this whole begging thing in his voice that grates on my nerves. I want to tell him to man up. Stop whimpering. Just say you don't get it in a normal voice. (I told you I know he's 8. Doesn't change how I feel.)

Now, I don't make things easy on them, I confess. When it comes to homework, I don't hand out answers like candy on Halloween. I say, "Look at it again. Read it again. Tell me what you understand. Tell me what you don't understand. Look at the homework in its totality. Is there nothing there to clue you in as to how you should get your answer?" (Generally, this is related to math homework.) Unlike me, Son is a linear thinker and that is something I don't know what to do with. If he knows one way to get an answer, then that is what he does forever. The moment the numbers change order or the math turns to words, all hell breaks loose.

"Son. You CAN do this. Stop. Think. Read it slowly. Doesn't some of this look familiar?"

"I don't know! I can't do it!"

Wanna get me riled up? Tell me you "can't" when you haven't even tried.

So I get stressed and wonder how to teach him how to think creatively. How do I convey that there is usually more than one way to get an answer. 9 times out of 10, when I come home to that unfinished homework he says he can't do, I ask questions, I say what I said before and suddenly he can do it after all. Still, he doesn't realize yet that he CAN do it if he tries and that all I ever ask is that you at least try before you give up. Don't immediately jump to how you can't or how it won't work or how it's not exactly how you thought it should be so it must not be the right way.

My struggles with him is in his confidence. I get angry when he downs himself, saying he's stupid or doesn't know how to do things. "I don't like math because I can't do it." But he can! Even his teachers from every single grade so far say he can. Now, I tell him he may not like it, and that's fine but he can't do it? He's lying to himself and needs to cut it out.

I suppose my fight with him is not about today, it's about tomorrow. I'm afraid he won't see what I see - a smart, creative kid with so many natural abilities if he'd let himself be aware of them. I fear he'll be a follower. Sometimes you have to but never at the expense of your own will and morals. I'm scared he'll miss out because he's suspicious of new things. When we have our shouting matches - well, me shouting, him whining - I'm pretty sure he's in the moment. I keep thinking of what today's insecurity could develop into if I don't snap him out of it. But the counselor in me also is aware that I have to be here and just make myself chill out and embrace the boy of today lest he think I don't like him for who he is. Couldn't be further from the truth. It's who he is that I see so clearly. But right now it is masked by the qualities that need refinining. And that remains the challenge - setting aside my ways so I can deal with his effectively and shine a spotlight on the things he has yet to appreciate.

It's simply not easy for me. Don't be surprised if I vent some more on the topic one day. I know all of this frustration on my part risks our future relationship, at least during those teen and early adult years when so many people are coming into their own and don't know what they don't know yet. I know that I risk giving him some sort of complex maybe or driving him into himself because he thinks I don't accept him.

Still, in all my frustration, it is easy for me to tell him how great he is and in my imperfection, I can only pray that he will one day see that all I ever wanted was the best for him and we'll finally reach a place where he too fully loves himself as much as I love him. He's my first-born after all; the one who showed me that being a parent is an honor and receiving the love of a child is a privilege. He's the one who started me on the path to enjoying simply providing for him because it made me feel good to see him healthy and happy and content to just be my son. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize all that but I have my signs. I listen out for the familiar, "Hug and kiss. I love you" that I get every night before he goes to bed. He insists upon it, in fact. That's how I know we're still in the game. I intend for us to win it.