Becoming the Proverbial Woman

This morning I looked in my fridge for Miracle Whip. I love Miracle Whip. I tolerate mayo. My husband buys what I prefer. So I went looking and it's a little nuts in there because Mr T. tends to keep things in the grocery bags he buys them in. He also fills the freezer so I don't even see the REAL deal going on in there most times.

I HATE to the clean the refrigerator. I can wash dishes until the cows come home. I can do laundry every single day and pretty much do. I tend to be the one to clean the tub and walls (we have that crappy formica that I had really hoped to avoid when we bought a house, so this is no small feat) and I also clean the huge bathroom mirror, whereas Mr. T gets the floor and toilet, as he should. Men are usually the culprit there anyway. He vacuums and grocery shops and usually cooks (though this could be healthier) and we both change all the sheets (not easy either) and mop the stupid kitchen floor, which is only horrible because I have two short people living there who can't seem to see the messes they make even though the floor is off white. (Hope we get to change that one day.)

No, of all the things we have to do, the thing I despise is the refrigerator. I just hate pulling that darn thing apart to wash it out. I have yet to defrost the freezer to really scrub it.

This morning I thought to myself, "It's time to give this away."

If you have not met the woman from Proverbs 31, let me introduce you to her. She means well, but she has made life hard for many women - usually Christian since she is from the Bible after all - as they strive to be like her. But here's the thing. She's actually misunderstood.

Too many women are probably looking at her thinking, dang she does it all and I have to be superwoman too! But that woman does not say to do it all. Men may have said this and some women may have heard it from people who choose to ignore what this woman is doing. But you have to read the words that are here and not twist them.

Meet the wife from Proverbs 31:10-31:

¹⁰ ^c]">[c] A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

¹⁵ She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

²⁹ "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

³¹ Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

She's cool, right? MY interpretation of her is:

• Her husband trusts her.
• She, in turn, does what she can to be of help to him - this includes not trashing him to others.
• She works - no one said this was a traditional 9-to-5 job, ladies.
• She goes outside of her borders if need be to get what she needs.
• She's taking care of her family and even the people who work for her. (Note that she has others working for her. THIS is how you do it all, in case you didn't know.)
• She's got her OWN money and she's wise about it.
• She works hard and she's able to do a variety of things too.
• She volunteers.
• She prepare for the future.
• She makes sure her own home has the best she can get for it. (And in doing so, she pretty much keeps things in priority, not neglecting home OR herself. Make a bed out of fine linens and you benefit as well as your husband, right? Right.)
• Her husband is respected, most likely because she chose a quality man in the first place, but also because of her helping him in that way women do - gently guiding them, whispering our opinions but letting them have their pride about things. What's wrong with letting them have their pride, I say.
• Being clothed with "strength and dignity" speaks volumes all by itself, and being able to laugh at the days to come indicates a certain amount of maturity and preparation and also the ability to not stress over small things.
• She's wise.
• She's diligent.
• She's got her children's best interest at heart.
• Above all, she keeps God first and in doing so, so many of these other things become easier to do.

Becoming the Proverbial Woman most likely requires some dying to self - dying to the need to get your way all the time or to be right about everything. If you are even a little bit of a man-hater - and plenty of us have some of that in use - dying to the need to rule him and make him do whatever we think he needs to do to make us feel good about ourselves. How about you take that job on yourself, huh? Go boost your own self-esteem and stop letting it all rest in his hands in the first place. The better you feel about yourself and the more willing you are to do whatever you need to to achieve this (everything has limits. Don't take this out of context.), the more he's going to love your confidence and the glow you get because you're happy. If he doesn't like that confidence, I'd question it.

My search for a VA for my business was work, but just thinking about having help doing the things I don't know how to do or don't like to do lifted my spirits so much. And made it easier to seriously talk to myself about getting someone to come clean my fridge at least once a month. It's good for my family and it keeps me from looking at the fridge with disdain. At some point I'll get a cook too to do maybe 2 meals a week because I also HATE cooking and I refuse to make myself like it. Why waste my time on things I hate? I could be doing other things and my family still reaps the benefits.

I am also more and more unapologetic about disliking the things I do. I know it's hard to imagine a mother NOT wanting to cook, but guess what? I'm not the only mother I know who is this way. So get over your traditional ideas, or at the very least, don't try to hold me to your standards. I won't stick. As I strive to be me more and more, and to let go of the things I never wanted to hold on to in the first place, I find myself unknowingly becoming this woman I do believe is the ideal - ideal, not necessarily what we SHOULD be, but it doesn't hurt to look at her and what she does and think, "What do I want for my family? What do I want for myself? How can I achieve these things?"

Now go do it. You'll be happier for it.

Hanging with Mr. T

Oh the silence. It really is a wonderful, boring, lonely, still wonderful thing.

I am always glad to let the kids toddle off for the month to be with my parents where they have the chance to see people from both sides of my family since most of them are in Georgia, Florida and Louisiana. Mr. T wasn't too keen on the idea the first time we did it. Son was 2 at the time so I could understand not wanting to let go, but since I had done the same thing growing up I could see the value of it so I told him he had no choice in the matter. (Yeah yeah. Communication, compromise, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes a spouse has to just shut up and deal with it.) I knew he grew up surrounded by extended family and had no idea what it was like for those of us who didn't, but he'd come to appreciate the "vacation" in time. And he has.

The challenge of course is to always remember that when you have kids and they take most of your time over the years, you run the risk of finding yourself married to a stranger one day down the road when the kids are gone for good. That is unless you take deliberate steps to stay connected despite the kids' schedules and needs. I think it's a necessity - for the sake of your marriage as well as your kids' future relationships, they need to see you two still dig each other. And that means time alone sometime. I think Mr. T and I having had seven years together before marriage and kids came into play helps us out a lot now when we find ourselves alone again.

We went out to dinner this weekend and I told him, "We have to be careful that we don't talk about the kids TOO much." Then we proceeded to talk about the kids - cleaning out their messy closets while they are away; the kind of people they may be one day; why every year at this time of year, many people ask us if there will be a baby #3. I think maybe we're both superstitious about this last one thing and don't want to say anything one way or the other so we just keep going forward and enjoying our time alone. It's pretty easy for us to go back into dating mode but I know it's not easy for everyone since some people never have alone time with their spouses and others get the time but then twiddle their thumbs wondering what to do with it.

Come on, ya'll. It's not that hard. Be creative! Or just allow yourselves to simply remember what it was like to date - except without all the game playing, uncertainty and insecurity. Here's a short list and anyone can feel free to add to it - but be, hmmm, decent, ok? My mother reads this!

1. do I need to spell out the really obvious top of the list? Just be sure you're ok with the possible consequences of pretending to be rabbits, ok? ;-)
2. go to the movies, a play, etc.
3. go to dinner
4. go to the zoo, park or some other outside place
5. go to a museum
6. go on a dinner cruise (mystery, jazz, etc.)
7. go for a drive to some part of the state you never/rarely see
8. plan a real away vacation at the same time as the kids' vacation (mine are still wishing they were with us for that one)
9. do all the typical chores but do them together
10. visit/hang out with friends (I confess. My friends know I tend to disappear about now.)
    
11. rent every movie you can't watch with your kids
12. a lot of daytime stuff is even better at night, so stay up late then go out and do stuff!
13. Go play a game like bowling or pool
    
14. Send each other text messages all day if you have to be apart (what you say is none of my business but when it comes to flirting, this counts and you may find yourself right back at #1)

Mr T. and I are food, movies and travel people, thus the list. But we're always open to suggestions!

So, I came out of my hole to do a quick post, lest I neglect my little blog, and if you'll excuse me, I have to go back into hiding with my husband now. I miss him.

Three's the Harm?

Visited my gyno this week. I always manage to forget my little medical issue until I do - if I have a third child, will he have to literally cut through bone to get to him? The X-rays I did earlier this year showed nothing. Except he's been there personally and knows I have some kind of calcification going on. It's enough to make him wonder if he'd need a bone expert with him should we go for #3. (Oh, in case you don't know. I get c-sections, thus the cutting.)

"I'd want to be prepared so I think I'd want you to do a cat scan, if you think you want to have another baby."

"uh, yeah. I'll get back to you on that."

Deliberately planning to have a child is no easy decision. Money, time, space, age and lack of energy come into play. Mr. T won't get off the fence and I can't seem to either. So I remain hopeful that God will override man's medical marvels and, if it's meant to be, Baby 3 - to be here known as The Baby - will come of his own accord, or God's.

In the meanwhile, I have my now 1-month-old nephew I can look at daily and wish I could hold. I can spend money on him if I choose and I don't lose energy doing it either. Plus, the distance actually keeps that baby bell from ringing because there is no physical contact to make me get off the fence one way or the other.

"But you keep talking about it, Monica."

You don't think I notice that? I don't know what to tell ya. The story continues.

He Is Born

It is official. I am an aunt. Happy birthday, baby!

My Version of "Footprints"

It's amazing how little time and money there is in my life when there is such an overwhelming need for them both, whether I want there to be or not. We won't go off on the money tangent right now. I'm just sick of every freaking payday lately being a day of infusing money into the latest must-pay-yesterday, must-have-this-item-today situation thereby setting my savings plans and desire to occasionally get some "wants" further and further on the proverbial back burner.

And time? Well, as usual, if I only had to work and deal with family, then I'd be set. But when you need to make time for a business and friends and reading and writing and exercise and sleep...you get the picture. It's frustrating but I've been determined to keep to my plan to reign in my time a little better and literally I know it all starts with one little step. So here's my little bit of encouragement for YOU all today with the little bit of time I am stealing from continuing to work on one of 3 huge projects at my job and a bunch of smaller-but-no-less-important ones.

Simply put - Change for the better is closer than you think.

I had a shorter version of that phrase as my message once this week on my IM window. A friend IM'd.

"What's closer than you think?"

"Any change you want to make!"

I explained to her that my experience has been that when I do something for a while and then stop, I hate it. I feel guilty. I know I need to start it up again but before long it's been a month, 6 months, a year and now I'm so far gone I just don't see how I'll ever get back. But when I resolve to go back, I simply turn around and so far it has always been quicker to get back than I thought it would be and I rejoice in the knowledge of that.

"Ah! I needed to know that!" she said.

And so I was happy to give that to someone that day.

In my case, God and I were a little too distant for my taste. I allowed life to get in the way and I know He knows that's to be expected when you are in my line of work - wife and mother - but that doesn't make it any better because most times He is the only one who truly understands when no one else does but I hate to bug Him with the bad stuff when I haven't been just chillin' with Him for the heck of it. (And before anyone gets a little stressed by what I just said or suddenly feels bound up by some religiosity that ingrained in them, know this. God WILL NOT ignore you for ignoring Him. He's bigger than that. Literally. So speak up and let Him surprise you.)

Always I'm promising to start spending time with Him again, reading my Bible - outside of church - for the relationship of it. But it never quite happens. My recent time management work has brought Him back to the forefront as well as my need to do any kind of exercise and to save something, anything, every single day.

So I save. Daily. And recently I needed it so I'm almost wiped out again but I had it. Good feeling.

And for now I walk in the mornings. I've been amazed how I've had the desire to get up and do it. I missed it. Used to do it all the time on my treadmill but my treadmill continues to stay at MIL's house for now so I walk outside for that "Waking Hour" Don Wetmore encourages. Before long I felt myself longing to walk a little longer, a little further and it came back to me how I used to do that and get a little high from it. I'll have to get my treadmill back though for those times when going outside that morning just can't happen.

While I walk, when I remember to think - because this is one time I can actually NOT think of a single thing and be perfectly content - I talk to God and we don't actually "stroll" together because I do walk at a good clip. But He keeps up! Imagine that! And we talk - yes, out loud. I don't really care how crazy I look at 5:45 in the morning - and despite the lack of time and seemingly insufficient funds, I know I am quite blessed so I just thank Him for being Him and for all the grace and peace in my life and for reminding me of something He has often reminded me of: No matter how far away you get from Him or from a regular fitness routine or from saving regularly or from spending quality time with family, etc., it's just a matter of stopping and going back to that forgotten but important aspect of your life and suddenly you will be right back there, as safe as always. I know for a fact that the miles you accidentally put between yourself and God can be eradicated in an instant just by turning around. You take one step, He takes the rest. I believe wholeheartedly that applies to all the other lapsed things as well.

So I take comfort and choose to share that change, life improvements, renewed relationships are all closer than you think. It's simply a matter of choosing to embrace them again.

Saturday, Father's Day, Last Day

It was a good weekend for pictures. So why didn't I take any? Or many? Well, Saturday I was too busy chasing my kids around the beach making sure no one got hurt or fell in the water while Mr. T. hung out with his family members during one of their many family get-togethers. He comes from a huge clan, many of whom live right here in this state with us, so they see each other as much as they can.

I had just had a discussion the day before with a friend of mine about my independence and how much I protect it. She's like me so she's see no problem with it. I told her sometimes I listen to other people in relationships and I feel like I should want to spend all my time with dear hubby, but guess what? I don't. I told her it seemed like we should be talking about everything under the sun but we don't because we don't choose to. (Mind you, there ARE a few things we DO need to work on discussing but that fierce independence in both us gets in the way.) Mr. T., like many men, goes off into his cave sometimes and acts like no one else is there. Sometimes it bugs me when I want to say something to him right then but mostly, I really don't care. I have no need to be under him all the time. I have no need to tell him every little thing. I have no desire to share every thought in my head. But it's not because of him. He'll listen to anything I say and pops up with presents and trips to places every now and again that proves it. But me? I've ALWAYS been this way and I'm glad to have found someone who accepts that and doesn't ask me a zillion questions. I've never liked to be asked a lot of questions, for reasons I don't even fully understand myself. Some days I can take it. Other days, it just feels nosey. But it's how I am. Moody. So, we come and go as we please, making sure each other knows when we're doing something not routine, but we like to do the same things for fun when it's time to not be so busy so it just works for us. It's nice to have someone there when I want it but who also knows how to leave me to myself and not take it personally.

So spending Saturday with his close family was a little hard because I was feeling especially anti-social that day and they - the ones who don't know me - probably found me stand-offish but I was really just wanting to read the book my critique group and I are reading, and keep my kids from burying each other in that icky old sand. I don't like beaches. Sand is dirt to me. My daughter wanting to walk on it with her bare feet gave me shivers but in that case it was because of the unknown. You never knows what's buried in that shifty, seeping sand.

Most of the time, I like it to just be the four of us. And that's what we did on Father's Day. A trip to see Fantastic 4 - for Son's sake - dinner at Outback and then a Sunday drive to no where in particular. Daughter informed us along the way that she needed new clothes, and could we please go somewhere because dinner, a movie, and a stop at the store to get her Pull-ups was not enough of an outing for her. So we drove along the water in one town and then we drove through the park in another town. That's where we stopped to watch a family feeding ducks and geese.



As you can see, Daughter is practically fearless, but somehow still can't take off her own shirt unless she's having a sudden bout of independence. (Fiercely independent mommies try to make fiercely independent children and when one even utters, "I can't!" when really that child means, "I won't!" regarding the simplest of tasks, FIM simply goes nuts.)

So now we are going to have to make another trip with a loaf of bread one day because I promise you, Daughter will not forget that we said we would - one day.

In the end, we all came home somewhat tired, though we did nothing particularly physical. And we got ready for this special week. Because today is...


SON'S LAST DAY AS A FIRST-GRADER!

I didn't get a chance to take a picture of him waiting for the bus but I'll do like I did last year and have Mr. T. take a picture of him coming home.

Where did the time go? The start of school does feel a million years ago but 2nd grade is looming and I'm not sure yet if I feel anything about that. I'm too busy thinking about the busy summer ahead. (We slow down for nothing in my house.) He's got a math packet to complete for 2nd grade, and the reading one too. We got 5 books from the library last night to tide him over between the end of school and the start of his summer literacy program but he's already read 3 of them. Guess we'll have to go back Wednesday. The literacy camp WILL be work - remember the scrapbook? - so he'll be occupied. Then it's August. Sweet August. My month of childlessness. It's gonna be a tight one, taking them down one day and coming back home the next, but it'll be worth it.

I do love this time of the year when everyone has done the hard work of completing another school year and routines can relax a bit. And this summer, I am in my own home to boot. It's gonna be simply marvelous.

What's YOUR Role?

So today I was called the "mom" at my job. Nevermind that when my own kids call me "mom" I scream, "Don't call me that!" Connotations. I can't explain it. They can call me "mommy" until they are old and gray but please don't call me mom. Forget the name of my blog. It's irrelevant. So there.

But at work, it's not an insult. I get comments about my being organized and people are getting to the place where they just about expect me to have something they have misplaced. Now, I wasn't born with this acceptable version of OCD so I can only conclude that becoming a real mother had something to do with my sudden organizational superpower. I was, however, born a "mom" because all of my life my friends have rolled their eyes as I did and said things for their own good. Or they simply said nothing as I told some knucklehead, "No, she's NOT interested in YOU. Go away." Man. I am a mother, aren't I? What's up with that?!

On my job, I started out as Editorial Assistant so it was - and still is - my job to keep track of things. Still, "You're the mom," made me laugh and made me wonder. Hmmm. Is that a GOOD thing? At home it means I nag people and I know I do it at work too. How else do you get things done that started months ago?

So, I'm the mom. I'm the mom? Yikes, I'm the mom! I suddenly feel old.

Do you have a "family" role you are playing out at your job?

Home Sweet Home

It's amazing how much a house feels more like a home once a TV gets plugged in. I don't really think that's what happened but my husband seems to think so. I think the TV tuned HIM in all the way to actually living in our house and THAT is what did the trick, but I won't bother trying to explain that to him. He's got the satellite hooked up, the DVR boxes set and we're all happy campers because the kids get their cartoons again, he can watch whatever he wants and I can tape shows to watch whenever I want. Three TVs are hooked up with the potential for a fourth if we ever wanted it. Simply a great deal for everyone. I'm a little tired this morning because of it, however.

We've always had cable - together and before we married. Satellite was always a lure but interfering weather was a concern. We talked to satisfied friends who have "sat" (as the remote control calls it) but since our local cable company harassed the heck out of me when I made an appointment with them then cancelled because I wanted us to really think about it some more, we said satellite it is. That's right, Cablevision. You lost a customer at least partly because you didn't listen when I told you 5 times in a row NOT to call me, I MAY call you. They even came to my house, ya'll!

Anyway, the manual has chapters. Literally. I thin kI made it up to chapter 9 last night. That is how much there is to know about this thing. But when you go through all the trouble of getting this service, you want to know how to operate it. Plus Mr. T wanted HD so there is that little extra feature as well.

Last night we chased the kids to bed then sat in our bed as Mr. T watched TV and pushed buttons while I read the book out loud telling him what it could do. You know most men do not want to give up the remote, but he was as clueless as I was thus happy to have me decode the mysteries of satellite TV watching while he just did what I said.

We browsed the channels; flipped between 1st and 2nd mode; turned on the caller ID feature so Mr. T could call the house and we could watch his name pop up on the screen; we watched House and I paused it, rewound it and jumped back to normal TV again; we played with picture in picture and headed over to the special channel that explains how to use the system. I also checked our bill. Apparently we can do that too. Wouldn't want a person to ever get up to go pay a pesky bill, now would we?

Now mind you, we can't get local stations, as in CT, because local for us is NY so we'll have to listen to the radio for school closings. And I guess if our neighbor's house burned down we would be the last to know. But when the world and all its music is literally at your fingertips like this, I guess you can miss out on one little state.

So Mr. T seems pretty content right now. Content enough to talk about actually staying in the house until he retires which is only another 13 years or so. So we started wondering what we could do to expand the house because after all we only have 3 bedrooms and if we turn my office downstairs into a 4th bedroom, I'd have no place of my own anymore! Ay caramba!

And what if we do have another baby? It'll be a boy (I keep telling him that, though he won't listen to me.) and he could stay in Daughter's room only so long before he'd either have to share with a potentially 11-year-old brother or we'd have to move. Of course staying means we could open up that wall in the family room and put on that deck that the backyard is screaming to have and we could close off that pointless side door. And if we could convince the family that owns the empty lot next door to sell it to us we'd have all the space we needed and get our 2, make it 3-car garage, though I don't know how easy it would be to make changes given the way the house is made and situated. At least not without practically knocking it down and starting all over. And you don't want to overimprove and outprice your house for the neighborhood. Lots of HGTV and TLC taught me that.

But already it's hard to think about moving. It's been a long road and years of renting, though that was by choice and the best choice for the time. Mr. T is imagining his friends hanging out to watch the big screen downstairs. I see the kids in my circle of friends hanging out at my house so my kids will have their friends over to play with. We both like to entertain so bring the noise!

Once you start putting your heart into a place and making it your own...sigh. The wanderer in my Sagittarian heart is used to moving around but my Capricorn husband helps satisfy a desire I've always had to grow roots as well, for the sake of the kids and familiarity, if nothing else. It's just nice to finally be able to relax in the arms of my own little family in our own little piece of the world and dream our little dreams. That, dear Husband, is what make a house feel like home.