A Step in the Best Direction

Do you know what happens when you buy shoes right after having your eyes dilated? You spend $100 without barely blinking - literally.

Now for some people in the world, this is a paultry sum anyway. "$100? That's my lunch money!"

For others, this is an unthinaklable amount. $100?! That's groceries for a month! "Ha! I wish it really were all I spent on groceries in a month.

Then there are the people with dependents and mortgages and bills and etcetera. $100 on shoes in that case may give you pause. Understandable.

So how did I get here? I went to the eye doctor this morning for my regular checkup. I didn't realize that I would get dilated because even thought I go as I should, I only needed to go every 2 years at the time. Now it's yearly since I am getting older. I also didn't know that I would pretty much be unable to see for about 4 hours afterward - well enough to drive but not enough to read normal print close up. Since reading is 100% of what I do on my job, I decided not to rush back there. The mall was only 2 blocks from my doc's office so I figured I'd check out some shoes while the lots were relatively empty and give my eyes a chance to regain some normalcy.

Now, one thing I have always wanted to do but have yet to do fully was only buy what I love and not just buy the things that don't make me feel financially guilty. I know that quality is better than quantity most times. I know that when it comes to clothing, fit SHOULD trump price. I watch What Not to Wear on TLC because it's fun to see the metamorphasis as men and women find out how much better they feel and look when they wear the proper size and fit of clothing. I believe in that myself. But that doesn't make it easy to spend the money sometimes.


I don't just have 2 dependents and now a mortgage, etc. I actually have a 3rd dependent - my business, at least until it gets profitable. Even when I start out wanting to save some money to spend on my own desires, something just about always comes up and I'm glad I have the money to take care of it but I'm a mom. My needs and wants often get pushed to the bottom even when I'm not trying to let it happen. I don't resent it. I just keep on trying. Last year I finally added myself as a line item in my personal budget. I paid myself not quite 10% as I should, but after my tithes I took out money for me and THEN I did what I had to do. That lasted for about 6 months because the house became a priority. But I did it nonetheless and I'm doing it again this year for sure. It's progress. I'll take it.

I've already reached the place where I only do what feels right for me and doesn't take me to emotional places I do not HAVE to be. I already care so little about what others think about me that I may come off uncaring of their feelings in return. And while I do apologize if some feels hurt, no, I don't apologize for being me.

This year I'm working on the quality part of life. I may not be able to buy a lot at one time but I'm choosing to buy the more expensive thing IF I love it, IF it looks good on me, IF it fits well because I want it to last and I want to be happy I have it. Subconsciously I do treat the more expensive thing better so that may be why these items last longer, in addition to the alleged craftsmanship that go into them. (I'll just have to take their word for that one.)

Last year I went to a business conference and one of the gifts we got was a free pair of Naturalizer shoes. There was a fashion show at the conference and I watched as these women strutted on the stage in their Naturalizer shoes and I thought, "Wow! Some of those are really cute!" I had been in a Naturalizer shoe store when I was a child and went with my great aunt each summer as she bought me new clothes and shoes for school. She might stop in that store to look or pay a bill and the shoes I saw there for women were not appealing. I grew up with that thought in my head and never stepped foot in the store as an adult. Then I saw those shoes on the runway and got the chance to get a free pair. They were over $70 dollars, a lot to me normally, and I was even more impressed that they gave hundreds of women these totally free shoes. I mean I didn't even pay shipping! I got them and they killed my feet the first time I wore them. After that they were golden. Perfect. I swear I didn't even notice them. They are heels too and I NEVER liked heels. These I can run in - honest! There went my ill thoughts of Naturalizer and new appreciation for pricey shoes took root.


When I went to the store this morning I couldn't see price. I could see the shoes just fine. But those prices, unless they were on bug SALE sigs, were not coming in at all. So I went for love and fit instead, hoping for a great sale but not wanting to be stopped for lack of it. The sales clerk rang them up and I admit I was a bit surprised they were indeed the $95 price tage I thought I was seeing on the shoe that sat next to the pair I wanted. But thankfully I've got a bonus coming and room on my credit card so I said, "OK."

I really hate feeling like I shouldn't get the quality thing. All my life the things I liked were usually the most expensive things so why should I be surprised by the price now? And now I am actually getting paid like an adult and not like an entry-level worker. My husband has a good job and my children are considered a higher debt for me than my actual debts are. Now's the time, if ever there was one, to shop the way I want to, even if it takes a little longer and I get a little less overall. I see it as an investment in me and gratification earned after so many years of gratification delayed as I worked on getting my finances where they should be.
As I write this now, I can honestly say I didn't even think of what else I could have done with the money. Before I could, I reminded myself that I bought the shoes because I loved them. "Good enough. Stop questioning yourself." And I did.

I've got a long way to go to fully be the person on the outside that I am on the inside. I should call all of my out-of-state friends at least every 2 months and not yearly as it feels it is now. I still have to work on always going to church on the Sundays I feel too lazy to dress three people instead on just me. I'm sure my husband would love it if I went back to the love notes I used to write him weekly, even if I only did it monthly. But I think I'm still making steps in the right direction. I'm being true to me. I can't ask any more of myself.

A Model Customer

Tonight I wrote for an hour about what I did at the mall. I read through, I went to fix something, I hit the wrong button, I lost the whole thing because I didn't save a version before I edited it.

I'm sick. So I'm going to roll my hair and call it a night.


Want to know what happened? The long and short of it is a salesclerk in Lane Bryant asked me if I wanted to model in their show in April. I said yes. We'll see what happens.

How dull was that? My prior version gave you a whole thing on elusive dark wash jeans and finding the right fit. My other version commented on the need to love anything I buy because when I turned 35 one birthday ago, it was just one of those pivatol moments for me - I call it my personal age of reason. I refuse to not be happy with the things and people in my life. So I'm not, for the most part. My other version had quotes and a flash back to when my mother convinced me to take a modeling class offered at some department store we went to one day. I did the show and that was the end of that modeling career. My other version explained about how hard it is to fit clothes when I'm losing weight because I never have clothes that fit me for the season and size I am in. Right now is no different. My prior version reasoned that this could be an opportunity for anything, not just for modeling like some other women may be there to find, and a writer/businesswoman like me needs to make the most of networking opportunities.

Nope, you should have read that other version. It was great. But now it's gone and all I have left is this boring watered-down version of my internal thoughts.

Oh well. Enjoy the picture. It's American Idol contestant Kimberly Locke, who is right now losing weight as well. When I saw her some seasons ago, my friend and I - who watched the show separately - both clearly remembered a black top she wore that was sheer above the belly button and it was so tasteful even we would have worn it and we both had C-sections! That's what I remember most about her - besides her great voice. I remember her top. And here she is looking great in her jeans and I'm still looking for perfection. I'll probably find the Holy Grail first.

Unimportant Babble

Just wanted to share my frustration with wanting to buy this piece I saw in Home Goods yesterday - which is why I don't like window shopping because you always find things to buy when you don't have the money for it. I had never been in Home Goods before because I suspected I would like something that I could not afford right then and buying furniture was not a priority while we were looking to buy a house. So this piece is on hold right now by someone name Pat who was able to hold it without buying it due to something the other store manager must have been willing to allow when normally they do not. I'll just have to go back tomorrow to see if it's free again. Home Goods has it for $300. I found it online at another place in NC for $665. That $300 difference is more than enough reason to love Home Goods. I have a question in to one more NC furniture store but it's worth about $800 so I don't expect the price to be much less than that $665 I got already.

This little baby picks up the colors of my soon-to-be office/guestroom and though I was headed for white furniture before, when I saw this I changed my mind.

Mr. T. and I expect to take a long time decorating our place because after we get the much needed beds for everyone, we only plan to buy things we love, love, LOVE. And my taste is for really weird, artistic looking things I could stare at all day long but it's still functional. That's what this is and darn it, I had to find it when I wasn't looking!

Here's hoping Pat doesn't come through.

UPDATE: Heard from the second furniture store in NC that has this. It would cost me $487 plus $80 delivery for a total of $567. $100 less. That's something. So I needed to be sure about the CT version first. I got up this morning with it on my mind. I got Daughter and I out as early as I could. I was determined to go to the store before work to check on it and I got there 2 minutes before they opened. It was there. It was free. It is mine. Save $237-365. I'm a happy camper.