Public Information?

I was talking with a co-worker last week. Her brother had told her he wanted to boycott the media for releasing the video of the Virginia Tech killer. She agreed although she knew it wasn't realistic to expect them NOT to show it. Still, there should be some semblance of decency here where we don't show these things. She talked of Saddam's hanging being publicized. Sensationalism? Probably. She admits she was drawn to her computer to seek this out too. But upon seeing it, she wished she hadn't. I understood her view and I could agree and yet not agree. After all, though the world is full of people with a morbid need to see these things, there are folk like me who truly wanted to hear the voice of this person for themselves to maybe pull some speck of sense out of this senseless tragedy.

Maybe something would be shown that would make me go, "Oh! I think I see where he got off on Insanity Trail and things went horribly wrong." But I can't say that. I heard he was picked on and I assume life was not as good to him as he would have liked. Having gone to college in rural Virginia on the coast opposite Va. Tech, I suspect I've been around the snobby types he dealt with and I can even imagine how he may have felt a little out of place. The school's own 2006/2007 Enrollment Profile showed that out of 21,937 students, over 15,000 of them were white. A little over 1,500 were Asian. There were even fewer African-Americans and Native Anericans. This is the norm at places like this. But this is not to say he had an excuse. This is simply me saying that as big as these numbers look, I know they really don't translate like this face to face. Again, I've been there.

Still, he was clearly troubled by more than the average college student who is at the height of their identity crisis only, ironically, they won't know that until they get OUT of college. People must be curious about what it would take to turn into this person. People are wondering what to look for in the people around them to hopefully protect themselves and maybe even prevent such a thing from happening again. I'm sure it wasn't pleasant to hear this lunatic's rants but it could have been worse. He could have taped the incident somehow and mailed that off. That would surely force me to send my kids to another room but I still don't take away the media's right to have shown this. Somehow it felt necessary. Eight years in a newsroom, and four years before that on my college newspaper, probably embedded that whole free speech and right to know thing.

But then, in the same week, here comes Alec Baldwin and his rant against his 11 or 12-year-old daughter. He called her names I won't repeat because despite the inhumanity of how he spoke to her, this is one time when I think something should not have been made public. This was NOT necessary to disclose. This was not in the interest of public safety but truly was sensationalism, though I think some would disguise their curiosity as being concerned abut the welfare of this child they don't even know the name of. I am hearing him on the news at this very moment as I write this. Whatever is going on between him and Kim Basinger, we did not need to hear this and his daughter? Well apparently she stood him up yet again for a phone call they are supposed to have. From the sounds of it, she's already an angry kid or else mommy is whispering toxic nothings in her ear. Can't say. I don't live in their home. Still, I feel for her. I really doubt she will ever get over her father's words. Not on her own, anyway. If Alec thinks he can apologize the crushed feelings away, I'm here to tell him he is delusional.

But I recognize I don't know this girl and being a parent, I know some kids can truly drive you beyond the brink. Not mine, of course! Still, it just seems unnecessary. And even more unecessary was us having to be let in on that private moment. I'm embarrased for both of them. And I'm embarrased for all of us who had to hear that. It would be great to turn back time and stop that tape from being released. It's hard enough being a parent without worrying about someone exposing us at our worst and then villifying us as if this is how we always are. People without children, please don't tell me how evil he is because I just don't think you know as much as you think you do about the rough waters of parenting.

I can't defend Alec's tirade but I am defending his right to screw up as a parent without public scrutiny. My prayers go out for that girl that this is not the norm for her and that she won't carry on this hurt that has now been planted in her. I just hope that she too won't be the subject of ridicule among her peers and maybe even internalize things to such an extent that she turns into, what? A socially ostracized young adult with homicidal and self-destructive tendencies? Going too far? Naw.

Words are powerful and they can wound a person forever. Just ask Seung-Hui Cho. Oh wait. You can't. He's dead. And he took 32 lives with him.

Painful Parenting

Aside: Did you know that Hershey Park is 100 years old today? I love that place. It's the chocolatiest place on earth! One of my girlfriends was in med school down in Hershey many moons ago so Mr. T and I went to see her graduate and we hung out at the park one day. Just 2 childless people (unmarried at the time) having a fun day. We've got great memories. Sigh.

In other news, did you see the college football player who was diving for a ball on the sideline and took out a toddler by accident? I'm sure it's on YouTube somewhere but one of the things they talked about on the news this morning - as they aired the video - is whether or not this should be out there. I won't contribute to the voyeurism by finding the video and posting it here, even though it would probably be good for my traffic. People are saying they don't want to see it yet it's being played over and over. The 4-year-old boy is fine. He was bleeding from his head but he's purple and blue now. The tot's mom said it was one of those things where she turned to pay attention to one child and here is the other getting slammed - literally. I'm still waiting for someone to ask, "Why was the child on the field?"

I know very well how easily things happen to your kids. So does the mom down in NJ who sent her 7-year-old son into a bathroom alone and he got molested. Heard about that one last night too. I can guarantee she'll be beating herself up for that one for the rest of her life. Me? Son goes with me until Son is big enough to put a hurting on someone. It's as simple as that. I don't care if he's 7 or 10, and I don't care what anyone says about him being in the women's room. But you know what? I don't think anyone would ever say anything because it seems to be one of those things where everyone simply knows, no child should be left alone EVER. Most people anyway.

I won't even mention the Alec Baldwin incident. I wrote about him separately. Post it next time.

Now, I don't know why a toddler on the field is acceptable and I don't know what that mom was thinking sending that kid in the bathroom alone. I only know things happen and I have personal experience with that. The interesting part, at least as far as that football incident goes, is I wonder if social services will step in at any point. Too far you say? Oh no. Not in CT.

Briefly, because 7 years later I am still moderately PO'd and resentful. Son was 5 months old and being watched by his Godmother who at that time had been a foster parent for over 20 years. Not once has she or her husband had an issue. Never. A 2-year-old she watched as well put her hands on my son's face as he slept in his carseat and pinched him so hard I can't tell you the marks she eventually left. He looked fine, essentially, but the tell-tell signs didn't show up until the next day so Husband took him to the doctor because it looked worse than we thought. "You should have seen the way they were looking at me," he said. "Yeah. I can imagine."

The doc who saw him was new to the practice and I was at a meeting or something that night so I wasn't with them. He took pictures of Son and that set off the alarms. He didn't believe a 2-year-old could do this. He simply didn't believe it. Nevermind there is no history of abuse related to my son OR his Godmother. Nevermind that Husband brought him in and LET him take pictures. (Those are gone now.) Nevermind that our own records with the docs never showed them having concerns about him or us. Apparently we should have brought him in that very same night. Doc called me at work - my NEW job - the very next day and because I didn't say what he wanted me to say, decided to call in DCF.

Now, the docs have to follow certain rules. Granted. And I told him I was at work (in an office I shared with 2 other people, by the way). Plus I was the new girl and here he is accusing either my son's Godmother or even us of abusing our 5-month-old. I couldn't explain my level of anger and disbelief and hurt but in order to keep it in check I had to speak calmly AND cryptically, given where I was. I told him no, I did not believe the Godmother had anything to do with it and yes, I very much believed the girl did it. She has big hands and she is strong. Seen it for myself. Not good enough for him, I guess. He misinterpreted my calm for not caring or something stupid like that. (I told you I was still resentful.)

A DCF worker went to her house so I had to leave work early because I wanted to support her as well as show my face to this person. He, nice guy really, had to talk to her and he had to have a cop with him as he did it. Oh yes. Son's name is in some police file somewhere. I was livid about that too. But admittedly, the worker and cop were VERY accommodating and knew how to handle things. I told the cop afterward I appreciated his behavior. Apparently they could charge me with some kind of abuse or neglect EVEN THOUGH I WAS 5 TOWNS AWAY AT THE TIME IT HAPPENED. My allowing her to continue to take care of son was an issue for them. (The girl, incidentally, was removed by the parents because it came down to watching her or all the other kids she was watching and she had to choose for their safety.)

SO DCF guy had to go to MY house too. Must see how the child lives. Gee. Your son has his own room and clothes and food and toys all over the place, and he's happy. Plus, my pastor came to talk to the guy on our behalf. DCF guy could tell there was nothing to find and assured me of that. A day or two later a nurse went over to see the little girl and wrote in her report that the child is big and strong for a 2-year-old. The parents admitted that she pinches everyone and the nurse saw for herself what she was capable of. Done. The law-abiding citizens really were telling the truth. Imagine that.

We had a little chat with the head of the doc group and she defended her doc while understanding our position as well. But that doc? Well, I have friends who go to this group and not one of them will let him see their children. Neither do we. He meant well. I know it. But my son is now in The System needlessly. I also went to the DCF office to complain. I was the 2nd parent to ever do that, they said. What? No one wants to clear their name after an atrocity like this? Just you and one other, they said. Amazes them too. Still, the records are written and in the computer but the file goes away after a year and the computer file supposedly deleted after 2 years. I wrote a letter after years 1 and 2 but still no proof that it disappeared. This is the time of year when it happened so I think I should go revisit that one.

Lesson here? In the state of CT, children's rights rise above the parents. If you are a parent, you might understand how problematic that can be. But I wonder if anyone will be visiting that mom who's son got tackled by a college football player. Somehow I doubt it.