In God I Trust

Yesterday I went to church alone. I do that every now and again when the kids don’t have youth church and I don’t feel like being their referee as they sit with me. The choir sang a song and I couldn’t catch all the words but one part of the refrain was that God keeps His promises. “It’s already done,” they sang. It went along with the message from which I reclaimed the understanding that what is mine is mine despite the misaligned will of other people.

Confirmation one.

Last night Mr. T, Daughter and I watched Superman Returns. (Son was in bed already and since Daughter sleeps with us, she gets these perks for now.) If you haven't seen it, that is one long movie yet not bad. Not bad at all.

Superman’s arch nemesis, Lex Luthor, has created a new land mass which threatens the United States and promises certain devastation as it continues to grow. There is one point in the movie (skip to the next graph if you want to see this movie) where Superman goes into space then plunges down, down, down into the very core of the earth beneath the foundation of the kryptonite-based land mass and he pushes, pushes, pushes it up, up and away into space, hurling it away forever, I suppose to become an asteroid. (Sounds like the making of a plot for another movie to me; that and Lois Lane’s son but I won’t go there.)

I woke up this morning and that scene popped back into my mind. It was my second confirmation. Superman reached to the core of evil to reclaim the good and though it weakened him for long enough to become hospitalized, he did get his strength back and righted the wrongs once again.

This morning I got my third confirmation. I am reading and editing a devotional my friend – my pastor’s admin – is putting together. She was sent a replacement lesson to put in the book and she forwarded that to me. The scripture that is part of that replacement?

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

So we wait. Saturday morning Mr. T. and I watched Daughter sleep and wondered what we do with that weird part of the house that wasn’t quite a room but it’s serving as the foyer so it can’t be ignored either. I corrected him about where my computer would go should we get the house. (He was under the misimpression that we’d put it in that foyer area. I had to correct that immediately.) Saturday afternoon the house was appraised. It’s OK to fork over $300 for a house that will be ours. It’s not OK if we don’t get this house. Mr. T. took pictures. Saturday night we looked at the pictures as we waited for things to get under way at the retirement party we attended.

Tomorrow the house gets inspected. Another $250. Again, OK to spend on a house that will be yours but I still can’t be sure. But God reminded me yet again that despite all the nonsense and confusion and sidestepped questions, He works ALL things together for my good. These people involved may or may not be trying to be underhanded. They may not even realize that that is what it looks like when you say things like, “Well, it depends on what you tell them.” But ultimately, God dives to the core of this mess and the good is revealed, destroying the bad. If this is our house, it shall be and these people will likely take the credit but Mr. T. and I will know the truth and tell our children that as well.

One of the blessings in all this is that the whole thing has served to unite Mr. T and I more than ever. It made me feel good to hear him insisting that his mother look into some things so that we know we getting the best deal. He didn’t just accept her word for it. I was thrilled to see him giving her odd looks when something she was saying didn’t make sense and it wasn’t just me having to point it out to him. I’m happy he’s as annoyed with it all as I am and even though his mother was getting a headache from all his questions last Friday, my heart was doing a happy dance because I didn’t have to speak up first. I just wanted to hug him. Had to wait until later to do that.

If the house is mine, we shall all know before the end of the month. In the meanwhile, my little family still has its peace because we know what’s ours is ours and my marriage has grown a little more because Husband and I are fighting this fight together.

I suppose it’s just one of those things you grow to expect from this time of year – love, peace and harmony. So nice to know we have all that.

December Madness

If it's December, it must be the fastest month in the year.

I love this month. The way it feels, the way the word looks, the potential of the new year. But forget the shortness of February, it's the month of December that flies by and this December is shaping up to be a blur. Normally December means:

Holiday parties - at his job and mine, business holiday events, etc.
Angel Tree - the Prison Ministry program at my church where we buy gifts for children whose parents are incarcerated
My birthday - the only time of year I buy myself something that costs three figures without considering what else I need to do.
Christmas (and all the shopping associated with it) - I have 2 children, you know what this means already.
Kwanzaa - while we don't celebrate earnestly, we do acknowledge it, maybe attend a celebration at church.

This year it also means maybe we'll buy a house. There is still no certainty as to whether it will go through. Not the loan, mind you. For once the financial aspect is not my concern. There are some other factors involved that I don't control, hurdles to clear. If that happens, then everyone - realtors, banker, seller - is trying to get this deal signed, sealed, delivered before the year ends. I'm just cautiously optimistic, unwilling to get too excited too soon. Mainly because I have to do way more babysitting of the "professionals" involved than I should need to do. I'm so busy going over their actions with a magnifying glass, that I can't enjoy the potential bigger picture - we may be able to clear out of here completely by spring.

The good timing of everything indirectly connected to this house buy makes me think, "maybe," but frankly, I'm really hoping it works out just to get all these people out of my life so I can have some quiet once again.

Well, tonight there is a holiday dinner to go to and a retirement party tomorrow night. Tomorrow afternoon the house is appraised. I'll keep you posted.

The Saga Continues

Here I am, fresh from my NaNo win - thank you, thank you very much! - the holidays are here and I am dreaming of what I will buy myself for my birthday this year. (Coach, here I come!) I had just told my MIL what I want her to do regarding a few houses we looked at/heard about and now I am looking forward, not backward.

I go to the store this afternoon, on my lunchbreak, to buy socks for Daughter because she needs them, first of all, but also because I have a strange love of socks. Nothing better than a new pair of colorful, soft footwear, I say. I am, alas, too old to buy socks by the pound now because they just don't work with most of my workwear - though I can buy some new ones for the weekend, huh? - so I'm cuckoo for socks for my daughter's sake instead. Those colors just make me smile.

Anyhoo, I see, while I wait for the saleswoman to become free (because the socks are behind the register), that Mr. T. has called me. So instead of listening to his message, I call him back.

"I just left you a long message," he says breathlessly.

"OK. What was it?"

"(Name deleted)'s buyer fell through on that house and we are next on the list. My mother wants to know if we want to put the bid in. What do you want to do?"

To the saleswoman who is now picking out socks as I call out colors between Mr. T.'s words, I say: "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok," she responds cheerfully.

"I'll call you back," I tell husband. "I'm in the store."

We hang up and I laugh my head off.

"I'm sorry," I tell the saleswoman again. "I really need to laugh about this."

"It's OK. Take your time."

After I get past the irony of this, I get my socks picked out, pay for them and leave. I call my DH back right away.

"So, the 20% down fell through huh? Suddenly we are good enough?"

What you don't know, dear readers, is that we first saw that house with the owner there. She is a friend of the family (his, not mine). I apparently said something insulting about her house and she wasn't sure I would "really go through with buying it" so she took another bid.

The insulting thing I said? We need to pull up the carpet. That's it, ladies and gentlemen. Not, "I hate her taste!" Not, "I hate her cat!" No, it was, "We need to pull up the carpets." THAT is what hurt her feelings. Can we all just join together and say - SLAP!

Deep breath, deep breath.

So, there is still a ton to this story but it would take me way too much to say it all so I will be succinct and tell you what I already knew but can reconfirm for you again today:

DO NOT DO BUSINESS WITH FAMILY.

If I need to repeat that, let me know. I do not care if they are the best in the business. Get the second best if it means you work with someone who is not attached to you in any way except by business.

As I said before, my MIL is my real estate agent - I knew when I married the man that this would be the deal. I accepted it a long time ago and you should too. No lectures please.

That said, I have told Mr. T. that I do not believe she is fighting for us as she should be so I have taken matters into my own hands and I dictate. I tell Husband what I want him to do and I tell MIL what I want her to do. That is all I do. I do not want to hear excuses and reasonings. I want to know what I want to know and that is the end of it. You people want my money, you do what I ask. I cannot begin to relate the nonsense she was telling me about how I shouldn't say things in front of the owner. I say, "The owner wants money? The owner should either not be there or suck it up. I will NOT shut up." Especially since ALL I said was that the carpets needed to go. And yeah, it is a funky layout and I said that too. But it is! You should see it! Daughter by the way, said much worse. Because a cat lives there, she said, "ooooo, stinky!" Twice. And I am the insulting one?

His family already thinks I am emotional, maybe even high strung, but I've been in DH's life for 13 years. They should get over it already because I am not changing. But I am certain they think I need them to explain why we should take the deal. To DH's credit, he told her, "What?! No way! I want to see the house again."

Good boy. I have trained him well.

Why do I care and why am I dealing with this, besides the reason that MIL and her group of associates came with the marriage package? Because the mortgage would be sweet. We wouldn't be strained fiinancially. We get our space. It's a 6-year-old house and therefore not skeevy (I hope). It is in a neighborhood with people I know and like. It is 5 minutes (less than, really) from MIL's house so I still have her if I need her - for the kids' sake, of course - and Son gets to stay at his school with no strain on me in the mornings to rush him there because we moved one town away in the wrong direction. That's why I care.

So we go back tonight to see the place, sans owner, and I have told MIL we will tell her yes or no right then and there.

Stephen, My Stephen

I am a writer, but I am not the sort of writer who can name a list of all these wonderful, nondescript authors you should read because I don;t hold people's names in my head. I'm not great with names. I do, however, have a few I always name because I truly love them - Wally Lamb, Tanarive Due and Stephen, my Stephen - better known to you all as Stephen King.

I LOVE him. His stuff may be scary to some folk but I find him intriguing. The words he use are so visual and full of life all by themselves and when he strings them together, it is pure harmony. I get so engrossed and so ensnared in his world, I can actually see myself in the places he creates as I watch the happenings from the sidelines.

His first novel was published in 1974 when I was 3, so he's been out there most of my life and as of now, that's a long time. Now I admit, not every book he writes is gold. You try writing two books a year and see if you can produce gold every time! I think not! OK, he may not do 2 books a year but it sure feels like it! My thought is he probably is gearing up for a great book every 2 or 3 books. Four Past Midnight will always be one of my favorites from him. Four short stories so if you've never read him, the book looks daunting but it's 4 stories in one so go for it!

Did you know he lived in Stratford, CT for a time growing up? His former street is only one highway exit from my own! Ah the connection! I love that man. I don't think he should do cameos in movies (and neither should M. Knight Shymalan) but I love him nonetheless. Don't worry, Tabitha. I'm happily married. I just love to revel in your husband's eloquent compositions. How sweet it is.

A friend from my critique group sent a link to an article from The Washington Post. If you love the work of writing and even more, of you love Stephen King, I pass this on to you. Me? I need to go find the latest piece of fiction he's written and get my fix. Think I'll head on over to good old Amazon now.

Closing In

NaNo is nearly over.

I stumble to my computer trying to keep my eyes open, but it's hard. I want to sleep. I have ICL homework to do. I have business to find. But first I need to get in another 1,670 words! Am I crazy? Clearly. What purpose does this serve, trying to write 50,0000 words in a month? You think it's easy? Ha! Remind me to challenge YOU next year. And me? I had to go and try to do it twice over! I'm only at 21,000+ words on the book I first went into this competition with but I'm at 44,300 on the other one that refused to die. I, too, refuse to die.

Do I love my story? Eh. It's OK. It needs more depth. I've been dialoguing like mad, however, and this is one of the things about NaNoWriMo. I'm good with description but dialogue was always scary. Things like my wonderful critique group helped to make that a fear of the past and I've been talking up a storm in this book. I'll probably go back and play with this piece when it's all said and done, but that may be the end of it for a long while. My heart still belongs to the one that only made it to 21,000. I was hoping to put more into that but in the end, there is only time enough and energy enough for the one. Just like having a husband, I guess.

So I push on and let you all know I am still here. This NaNo thing has taken more time than I had hoped and yet I still don't feel as consumed as I was led to believe I would feel. If I had a story I LOVED from the beginning, I might even be done already like the 2,400 others who are NaNo winners right now.

But I too shall cross that finish line, even if it's 11:59 on November 30th. With less than 5,000 words to go, I can do this with my family, my job and my business intact. OK, sure, Son has had to read to my back while I typed and Daughter has had to climb on my head to get my attention, while Mr. T. just laid in bed watching TV, suddenly hurling questions at me, "Are you done yet? Did you get 50,000 yet? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

Soon, my darlings, soon. I'll be back to normal and I can return to ignoring you all to your faces instead.

La La La La Life Goes On

NaNoWriMo has been keeping me busy this month - I still need to move those widgets back to my sidebar! - but that doesn't mean I haven't been living in the meanwhile. Why just this morning I had to go put a kid in his place at my son's bus stop. The boy wasn't there last year and he wasn't there when the school year started but when I first saw him appear as I watched from 3 houses away, he looked like trouble to me.

Even though my son is only 6, I let him go out and wait for the school bus alone - well, not alone. The girl from across the street is with him - but you can best be sure my eye and my daughter's eye (She's only 3 but she don't take no junk!) and my husband's eye (if he's home) is on him until we see that bus pick them up and turn down our street, leaving only the empty grassy corner that's always there. It's cold right now - really cold - and when I looked out and did not see Son's hat on his head but I did see what looked like his hat dangling from the fingers of the other boy who waits there too, well I just thank God my MIL was home because I instantly put my naked 3-year-old who was standing in the kitchen to the back of my mind and went marching up the street to tower over this boy and let him know he is always being watched and it would be in his best interest to do nothing more than speak to my son, should he wish to be spoken to. Thank God my daughter didn't follow me. The last thing I need is for her to get pneumonia because she sees Mommy dashing off down the street toward her crying brother who was heading home after I first yelled down to him, "Son? Where's your hat?" To the big bully boy's credit, he apologized right then and there as I spoke and promised him I would find out where he lives and talk with his mom if I see anything else happen involving my son. Stupid kid. Doesn't he know I get angry a little easily and messing with one of my children is against my law?

Anyway, it was an annoying way to start a Monday but at least I had a productive and fun weekend, starting with hanging out late Friday night as Daughter and I got our hair done, and moving on to getting some writing done and my website updated on Saturday followed by a retirement party for one of my husband's co-workers that night. (Got another one in December.) Yummy food, lots of dancing, a good time by all once again. Then Sunday was a late start since we didn't go to sleep until about 1:30 that morning but we got up, went to church where we were reminded to give God "daily praise payments", went grocery shopping, cooked a late lunch, divided up the fundraiser items we got from my son's school last week (top seller!), then cooked a late dinner. I didn't get a chance to write on Sunday at all, which I was concerned about but I'm determined to hit 50,000 words on at least one of my books. The other - the one I had the idea for first - might not make it there but it won't be from lack of a valiant effort.

Tomorrow's going to be pretty hectic too because I took the day off work to put my car in the shop and to do a radio interview with my business partner. I wonder if I can get it podcasted? Hmmm. Gotta ask.

HOUSE UPDATE: That house we were working on? Fell through. My MIL says someone else offered 20% down. Mr. T. and I say she didn't want us to have the house. But I told Mr. T. an earful about how I didn't appreciate the way things went down in the first place (Too much family involved. I can't say but so much.) and he assured me we could get a new mortgage lender if I wanted. So I'm set and ready to keep looking. On the plus side, because former mortgage lender (she doesn't know it yet) looked into my credit when I applied for the mortgage, I dd get to find out what my credit score is without my having to wait until next week for one and next March for the other when my last 2 freebies come up. I'm looking pretty good, thank God. One year of getting it together has had a marvelous impact on my credit. Anyway, the other house is still up in the air and the builder for yet another house we liked but wouldn't buy because there was no door to the outside in the basement called to let my MIL know he was building more. So, the search continues.

Hanging In

Well, life's a beach and then you write!

That's me. It's going on day 14 of NaNo and I'm just thrilled to be hanging in there. One novel is on point - a little ahead actually. The other is about 3 days behind but I've got some questionnaires out there that should help me think of what else to include in this particular book. Not worried about it yet. Oh and if YOU are a mommy with a business or you are a mommy who freelances (same thing, but I feel the need to make the distinction for those who don't recognize that freelancing IS a business) and you want to participate in a book I am writing, give me a post so we can connect. Have I got a questionnaire for YOU!

Now, Blogger beta is up and running and I fearfully made the switch. I'm already having issues with my sidebar acting up. But as long as it's acting up, I may as well put my widgets back in my sidebar and get it out of the post. Doubt I'll do that tonight since it's after 1 a.m. and I have a busy day at work tomorrow, but it's still here if you want to see my word count. It's the next post down.

Let's see. What else is going on? The house drama continues. We're stuck waiting on one house to see if we can even bid on it and waiting to see if a competitor is going to get his loan for the other house we liked. The drama of the first house is too much to tell now but suffice it to say that sometimes we bring trouble on ourselves. Sometimes trouble simply finds us due to no fault of our own. This particular drama is some weird third category with a big flashing neon sign that says, "THIS IS FOR A REASON!" But I can't figure out what it is. It's just too insane to not have a good reason for being. So I wait. I'm hoping the blessing will be that we will get the house because to get it means to have a mortgage we can happily live with. It means practically no disruption to our lives as we know it now because it's only about 3 minutes from my MIL's house where we currently live. It means being around the corner from my sister-in-law (this isn't really the plus but it's still potentially helpful), down the street from a business associate I can talk to and down the street the other way from my new friend who is actually still growing into the title of friend but we're in the same business groups and have known each other about a year now. She's in her 50's, she's single and she's lonely. Living down the street from her would make her year. I just know it. But I can't tell her about this house until I know we have it, lest I disappoint her. But if we get it, my children have one more safe haven in the neighborhood and that would be so awesome. Someone I can trust, you know? The other house is great but it's in Bridgeport which would mean I'd have to hustle back one town to bring my son to his school, then back to Bridgeport to drop off Daughter at preschool, then on to work and I really don't want that stress in the morning because, as I've often said, I am NOT a morning person.

Anything else? Well, our business website is in the middle of getting revamped. Excited about that. A fellow blogger has taken me on as her latest client to redo my newest baby - aka, my blog - to make it look like me and I'm even having a logo designed while my funds aren't yet tied up in a mortgage. I'm very excited. Yes, excited, Kerri, and I don't use that word loosely.

Let's see, I'm down another 2 pounds and hoping to get to my halfway mark before my 36th birthday next month. It's slow going, I won't lie, but I also am not giving it my all because as much as I want to get back to pre-Daughter weight, I'm just not in the mood for this. So I'm only half-hearted therefore I am only doing half as well as I did before. Still, I'm down 23 pounds now and one person who didn't know about it has noticed and that's more than enough incentive to keep going.

It's crazy late now and my clicking on the computer is disturbing Daughter. Why? BECAUSE SHE NEEDS HER OWN ROOM, GOSH DARN IT!

My prayer: Please, sweet Lord. I am S-I-C-K of this situation and You know it. This drama has served to only highlight how badly I need to leave and makes it even more difficult to stay. I know You can see this, which is why I now think Your hand is in this in an unexpected way. I am beyond ready to have my own space. I have so much to do and I am beginning to feel stifled because I am not able to stretch out as I need. You KNOW how I am. You know I need my space, Lord. You also know the last time I was at this juncture - hating my job with every ounce of my being, seeing no signs of freedom, trying to be patient but crying our for release - You made it possible to get a job I didn't think I was qualified for (hmm, Come to think of it. I'm saying the exact same thing about this house) and not only that but have blessed me to love this job in a way I knew was possible but had yet to experience and ran my cup over with 2 raises, a promotion, and the open appreciation of the people I work for - all in less than 2 years. I don't regret stepping out on faith for this job. I'll just trust You to do the same with our first home. And I'll hope my little testimony in the meanwhile can serve to encourage someone else to not give up or settle for less - in love, in a career, in business, in anything they can see in their heads and their hearts. Sometimes we have to do less for a while, but we don't have to settle there.

Keeping Up With My NaNo Wordcount

OK, my widgets off to the side seem to be mucking up the works for all you folk who have IE. Or maybe there is a crazy link somewhere or my pictures are acting up? So I am going to have to post the widgets here and keep this post at the top until I resolve the problem, though it seems to be an IE thing only, not Firefox or whatever else folk are browsing with. Still, if lots of you are using IE, you've got to be wondering what the deal is. So am I.

Anyway, I need a place where I can see myself race myself and this will be it! My own personal word war! Unicorn88 is writing, "The Busy Mommy's Guide to Running Your Business and Your Life" while Unicorn92 is writing, "An Uncertain Love."

May we both win!

NaNo Madness and Other Life Stuff

Well, NaNoWriMo is under way and I am keeping up so far. I've set myself a word goal of at least 1,670 words a day which will get me to 50,100 by the end of the month if I stick to it. I need the coverage because I found the NaNo word counter could add things a little differently from Word and I could conceivably come up 30 words short in the end if I'm not careful. Can not let that happen after spending a month commited to a project like this.

I must say, it's fun but I suspect I will NOT be doing this again. Such a commitment! It's a challenge because I have 10 chapters planned but it may only take me the one day to say something in each one. What happens on November 11th is anyone's guess. I know I need to do some research to help me get over the hump when I get to it. For now, I enjoy just getting to my goal, uploading my text and watching the little graph slowly rise as it stretchs forth to reach that 50,000 word goal.

UPDATE: It's time to confess. If you noticed the two goal keepers, aka NaNo widgets, in my banner off to the side, you're probably wondering what's that about. I am writing two NaNo novels. They are completely different from each other and I welcome the change. So I guess that makes my goal 100,000 words this month. Why am I doing this? Because I'm a freakin' overachiever who can't stop at comfortable. I have to push the limit. And I am INSANE! But now it's public - my insanity and the fact that I am going for two - so that's imposes a deadline on me and for whatever sick reason I am driven by deadlines and pressure.

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So Daughter is home sick for the 2nd day in a row. She had a cough for a day and half and my husband took her to the doctor. We got medicine and she got better - or so we thought. He took her to the doctor for her regular checkup on the 1st and suddenly she's coughing again. She had a flu shot and he thinks that had something to do with it but everything I have read about flu shots (because I had to write up some copy on it for my job), says you don't get sick from the flu shot. You may have been getting sick prior to and it's just a coincidence. Yes, she was getting sick prior but it is odd she took a step backward after that shot. I don't know. All I know is my baby does not want to eat (she LOVES to eat), does not want to play, tosses and turns and coughs ALL NIGHT LONG and threw up medicine about 4:30 this morning sending Mr. T. and I racing to get the sheets changed before anything soaked through. She sleeps with us so you know we were moving fast. I tried to get her to sleep with her brother but she eventually found her way back to me. Her aunt also bought her a cute inflatable Dora bed for her birthday and she loved laying on it before she felt like crap. I'll keep trying to usher her out - after she gets better.

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Guess what? I got an unexpected promotion and raise at my job! The significance of this? Well, other than the obvious, this lovely turn of events comes on the heels of my telling Mr. T. and my MIL that we need to get pre-approved for our mortgage now and not later. Everything was effective this month so I will have a little more to put on the table when those loan papers get filled out. I couldn't help but feel like it was a sign that my house is finally on the horizon. I'm taking a big chance sharing that much with you because what if my sign is false? Actually, I don't usually think that way and I do trust my instincts about these things. It's kind of like the sign I got about when my time would be up on my last job (that dreaded job). After about 2 years of looking and figuring out exactly where I wanted to go (And hating every moment of that dull position), I felt in January of last year that June would finally be my month. I started here June 27th. I'm a believer in seeing and achieving. I know for a fact that the bad times are only hellishly long while you are in them. When you are out, you can see for miles and miles and you may even be grateful for what you had to go through to get there. And I am. I can appreciate being here doing something I love and I can appreciate being appreciated because I know what it means to be tolerated. Of course, the lesson continues to be a simple one - do what moves you and you'll have little to no regrets. Do what society wants you to do and you not only make yourself miserable but the people around you as well.

Well, I have a date tonight so I need to get back to work and get things set for next week. I hate the thought of leaving my sick baby with the sitter - though I do have a marvelous sitter - but Mr. T. and I are actually going back to a comedy show tonight that we were originally in the midst of watching one month ago when there were underground explosions nearby and the theater had to be evacuated. They rescheduled the show to tonight and it's use the tickets or lose 'em at this point. At least tomorrow I can chill out, write and kiss my sick toddler as she passes more of her yucky germs on to me. But I do love that feeling when she's clinging to me, too tired to move, just wanting her mommy to hold her. It's one of the perks of being a mommy to young children - your touch and your kiss is all they need to be healed. Of course her touch is equally powerful for me.

Later gators!

Happy Birthday to You!

NOTE: I originally posted this text on Saturday, Oct. 28th, My baby's 3rd birthday. But Blogger has an issue with my posting pictures from home. I had to do it elsewhere but Monday was soooo slow. Finally got the photos up on Tuesday. Enjoy!


Today Daughter is 3. My sweet girl (who I never expected to have when I was teenager because I never wanted kids at all - least of all a girl - because they are so whiney and needy and noisy and girls are just plain sneaky and manipulative) is the funniest, smartest, sneakiest, cutest little girl I know. I'm laughing nearly every time I drop her off to school. I don't know why. The girl is just silly! I knew we'd have a connection because she was born on Tuesday, October 28, 2003 (a day I chose since I had a C-section) at 12:18 p.m. You see, 12/18 is my birthday.

I plainly remember one day when I was like 10 or something, sitting on the sofa with my father and he was telling me I was pretty and I remember telling him, "I don't want to be pretty! I want to be cute, like my mommy." Don't ask me, ya'll I still have NO idea what that meant. Ha! So yesterday I was getting Daughter dressed for school and she was standing there smiling her big smile at me and she put her hands on my face and said, "You're cuuute." I fell out. We weren't talking about looks or anything. I wasn't telling her how nice she looked as I usually do. She just volunteered the information and took me back 20 some years without even knowing it.

Today we get our hair done - the first time for her, habit for me. (There she is above beforehand.) Later we get our pictures taken for our holiday cards this year which I haven't sent out in a long time but I figured since her actual birthday is on a Saturday, I can get a 3-year picture taken and hey! we haven't had a family photo since Son was 2 so we're overdue. Actually, we'll take the proper family photo later because Son had his picture taken for school and they were giving free family portraits this year so we'll do it when we get our certificate.

I'l take some pictureS to illustrate the day and post them here later. For some reason I can't seem to get the photos to post when I do it from home so I'll have to wait until I get to work on Monday. So you come back then and see the show!

It's a rainy, grey day. Mr. T didn't work last night so we woke up together. MIL isn't home. My babies are healthy and happy and Daughter is now 3. It's a perfect day.

AND NOW ON TO THE SHOW!

Daughter insisted she can comb out her own hair. Please forgive the bluriness. It was not until later I realized it was probably my lens and not her moving.


Daughter was actually enjoying everything and did really well getting her hair washed. But she always did.


We were getting our hair dried at the same time. She kept looking at me saying, "What you say?!"


Daughter sat patiently as the girl did her hair and then sat patiently as two other put in the beads. She was quite happy in the end.


My little masterpiece. We went to Sears to take holiday photos and to get her 3-year picture. This isn't the picture we chose but I thought it was so cute. Shows her attitude.

More Real Estate Nonsense

So if you didn't know this already, my mother-in-law is our real estate agent. I asked her about this guy who is ahead of in bidding on this house to find out how he can just now be looking for the bank loan for this house and she explained that he had a deposit down and we really shouldn't have been able to bid on it but this particular agency keeps its options open until the deal is done. I can understand that somewhat. So he put his deposit down but now he has to find out if he'll actually get his bank loan. There's always the chance he won't but come on. That chance has got to be slim. Horrible as it sounds I do find myself hoping it doesn't go through but for all I know this man has a wife just like me and kids like I do and they need this as much as we do. Maybe even more. But I can't help having a part of me that doesn't want to care. This is a competition - bottom line.

Still, I'm not stupid. Chances are he'll get his loan but if he did not, we'd be doing the same thing he's doing now: we'd step up to the plate and play hurry-up-and-wait with the bank as we find out if our loan will be approved. We're only prequalified right now, just like him. So I asked my MIL why can't we do this bank process NOW and IF - big fat IF - he falls through, we'll already be ready to go and maybe even be the preferred bidders if someone else pops up, even if our bid is lower simply because the money is already in place? She said we could.

So I told my husband while we're waiting/still looking, let's get our ducks in a row now. No surprises. If you didn't know you could do that, my friends, you can. The bank will issue you a pre-approved letter - much better than pre-qualified - and it may last for a few months like a pre-qual, but at the end of that time if you're still looking you simply get a new letter. No biggie. So why not do that?

We will. It will certainly make this whole stupid waiting game feel a lot better. And if this falls through, at least we can keep looking with confidence.

Time to eat.

And Speaking of Moving...

So last night I had to follow Mr. T while he dropped off his car for winter maintenance. We had just left parent-teacher conferences and Son is doing wonderfully. Apparently he is still Mr. Popular. "When he has to go to the bathroom, EVERYBODY has to go to the bathroom," his teacher laughed. He reads to the class; he writes well; he finishes his math work first and it's right so she lets him play math games to give him so extra learning opportunities. "He seems to be really good with math. Does he do any extra work at home?"

Of course! I want to say. I drill it into him that school is important and that he should always go the extra mile and I make sure he does the extra credit EVERY time and I'm an all-around pain about making my kids try things on their own and THINK about why they are doing what they are doing. I'm a little bit of a pest. I want to say all that but I only share that when we go to the grocery store, I have Son total my groceries as we go.

"Lunchmeat. $6. Tuna. $5. Son, add 6 plus 5."
"11?"
"Good answer! Juice. 2 for $3. Son, 11 plus 3?"

I'm a busy mommy but I'm trying to maximize the opportunities ya'll.

Anyhoo! (After this major sidetracking because I am a proud mommy after all) Mr. T. asks me last night how much money I have saved. I tell him after all the car troubles I had this year, not as much as I hoped. Why? He wants to put a bid on the dollhouse. We call it that because he is 6' 3" and in just about every new house we saw, things could be a bit tight for him but what ya gonna do? Shrink him? (Thus my picture. Clearly not the actual house we saw. The real picture will come IF we get it.) We saw the house last month and Daughter christened the driveway with her blood when she was running after her brother and fell on her face - my poor baby. Mind you, this was the first house I kinda liked although the school shuffle is going to be a chore in the mornings since it's a Bridgeport house and my son is in school in Stratford, one town north, and I'd then have to turn around and drop off Daughter to preschool in Bridgeport then continue south to work. But I DON'T CARE!

So he tells me he wants to put a bid on it. I already had this house out of my head so I'm trying to remember some of it's nuances on the inside. I just remember I loved the outside and that it's a dead-end street and we're last. Oh yes, it's a brand-new house too, which as you know we've been looking for.

So we re-prequalified with a new mortgage lender who could give us a better rate for a lower amount and apparently the bid goes out today.

Cross everything you can. Mommy's back is starting to hurt from sleeping with a giant and wriggler in a queen-sized bed.

UPDATE: Apparently there is a bid already on the house. Mr. T. talks with the builder from time to time and the builder told him that the other guy has to see if his loan will come through. Apparently they - the builder and real estate agent - think he's shakey. Bully for us - not. How long MIGHT this whole thing take before we find out if the competition is out of the picture? A MONTH. Great day. A month to look into his records? Honestly. Can someone send me back in time to yesterday afternoon before Mr. T. told me he wanted to bid on this house and somehow take me out of the picture until this guy's loan does or does not come through THEN tell me if our bid is accepted or not? I hate this crap. Whoever devised the real estate game was a sadist.

Gotta Get Moving

Boy, where have I been? I just checked the date and I can't believe I haven't posted in what? 13 days?! Amazing how time flies.

Work has been very busy. So much going on, which is great for my financial bottom line. I continue to thank God that I am doing something I believe in. Wanna know what I do? OK, I'll tell you. I'm an Editorial Assistant for a very worthy company. There I shared it - sort of. I write, I edit, I research, I help the Managing Editor to do her job and I love it. I'm continuously amazed at how organized I can be for them and yet my own stuff can be such a mishmash of paper and thoughts and projects.

In addition to work, I've been very busy working on Village Works stuff as well. I went to a conference in NY last week. Ladies Who Launch - you'll find their female entrepreneur of the moment in my sidebar on the right. It was such an awesome feeling being in the midst of all those creative women and hearing story after story of how they achieved success despite some kind of seeming setback. They were bootstrappers, much like I have been throughout the years that my business partner and I have been building this thing. They did what they thought was right, like we do, and they are getting there. It's depressing really. Seems like we should further along in this business than we are now but the truth of the matter is it is difficult to build a business when you have a full-time job and children. Not just a husband, mind you, who can let you go sometimes, but children, who won't necessarily understand why you need to be away from home so much, so I try not to be. Add to that a business partner whose job is 100x busier than mine (she's our pastor's admin) and you've got the making for slow progression. I was so frustrated when I left that meeting - encouraged yet frustrated - that I worked all night Friday night and most of Saturday on our business plan - which we've been working on all year (started a LONG time ago but now I need it done) - and our organizational chart and I created a couple of postcards to send to these two storeowners we've been wanting to meet with. That all required a lot of thought and writing and creativity.

The idea, if you've never read The E-Myth, is for you to work your business, not have your business work you. So you figure out your structure. Act as if you had to set things up to have someone else run the entire show successfully and that means writing charts and personnel manuals, that sort of thing. Not as bad a it sounds actually. I like to write and I'm anal so I have to organize things eventually or I will feel like I'm running in circles. It's kind of just a deeper level of a business plan, which is your vision on paper and we all know what the Bible says about vision, don't we? "Without a vision, the people perish." Also, we are told to "write the vision and make it plain." Wise words. If you want to stay on course, eventually you have to write things down, so I did that this weekend. Well, I always do that, but I did more of it and wrote some new stuff too so now all I need is my partner to give her thoughts on the various "positions" there are in our company and we can move on to phase two of this plan - writing ads for people who can help us get things done.

I think I said it before and I'll say it again - we are at a place where we need help because we simply can't do it all alone. She won't quit her job ever because she loves it, but she loves us too so it's hard. My plan is to eventually be the one to run the show full-time but that won't happen anytime soon since we need a house first. So that means we need help. We can't yet afford to pay for the marketing, PR and sales help that would truly push us along so we're seeking out college help, new professional help, i.e. INEXPENSIVE, but quality help so we can all help each other achieve our goals.

So I'm chomping at the bit right now. My latest version of our business plan is on my computer at my job so I couldn't even update it electronically yet. I've still got to actually get to my partner everything I did this weekend so she can look at it but right now it's MAAFA season at our church and that means my partner is busier than she usually is, plus her daughter is in the production so that's even more for her to do. In the meanwhile, we've got bills to pay off - which we can do, thank God - so we can get out website revamp started and finished before the holiday season sets in and she is the one who balances the checkbook and handles the finances. I told her I understood it all, because I do, but darn it, I'm going nuts here waiting on this stuff to get going. The plus side of all this? I just pretty much plan things and she says OK because we already think alike and agree on how things should be so I don't need her approval to do things. It's just COMPLETING the things that gets a little slow sometimes. Now I don't mean to sound hard on her because the fact is I have seasons when I'm up for things and seasons when I'm not and I just coast. Sometimes every creative bone in my body has clearly lost all their marrow and I'm just a shell of who I can be, but do you think she busts my chops over it? Nope. She knows the deal, just like I do. This is another reason we need to just get some help. To keep things moving when she's otherwise engaged and I'm just falling flat. Bottom line - I am so grateful to have a partner in all this and I'm so grateful to have her, someone I can trust, but sometimes I wish we could spend more time together on this business and already know she feels the same. We simply must make it happen. In the meanwhile, I have a new catalog to work on to keep myself busy and I'll continue figuring out how to get the hele we need. Know what I need? An Ebay pro. Know any?

So, that's where I've been - in the land of my job and Village Works and sort of preparing for NaNoWriMo as well because the book I intend to write has everything to do with what I'm going through right now. Oh, and Daughter had a Parent's Day at her school so I had to do that. And there was that funeral I went to. And I've been really focused and motivated regarding my weight loss so that I WAS down 20 pounds but somehow I'm back up 3 pounds and have to get that off again so I can get down to my next mini goal. Thankfully I'm still somewhat motivated to do that, but it sure does add to my already mounting frustration. The reasonable side of me says that losing 20 in not quite 4 months is not horrible, not actually shabby at all since you only gain about 10 pounds in year if you don't watch yourself. But the other side says, "Poppycock! You KNOW what you can do and your mind is just not all here!" True, true. Shoot, I'm even mad there's no good scary movies on TV OR in the video store. See The Omen yet? Don't bother. It's as scary and "shocking" as the original and that was NOT scary stuff. They practically stuck to the original script, which made it all the worse. Oh, and the "extended scenes too scary for theaters"? Yes, maybe if you are in a childen's theater. Bore-ring!

Sigh. I've got to go take children's coats out of the washing machine now and start taking my daughter's braids out. Saturday she turns 3 so that will be my focus all this week. I'm taking her to get her hair done that day and then we're taking a holiday photo because I think I can stand to be photographed right now. Plus we have to get the Dora cake she keeps talking about and I've got to get her a gift and I don't even get paid until the end of the month so I have to borrow from myself to do all this.

Yuck. I'm sick of listening to myself. I've gotta go read now.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly Truth of Life

The Good:

This is my friend John. He's an artist and perfected the art of social networking via the Internet long before I even knew the term "blog" so I know he won't mind my saying his real name. John is a sweetheart. He's not as hard as he looks here.

John and I met when I first moved to Connecticut to work as a copy editor at the Connecticut Post. We got along wonderfully and I grew to enjoy having long talks with him about life or something like it. John is gay so we've had MANY, oh so many, talks about that subject in regards to my beliefs and his lifestyle. John has always found it strange that I can have my beliefs about homosexuality (My Christian faith teaches it is a sin like so many other sins. Let he who is without it, cast the first stone.) and still truly love him for who he is and accept him. We've even discussed his relationships. I clearly remember us coming back to that old discussion one day as he drove us to N.Y. because he wanted me to go to The Met with him. I laughed as I asked him, "John? Do you feel me judging you in any way or do I seem insincere?"
"No!" he responded laughing. "That's what's so weird about it!"

He moved to England one day to be with a partner and eventually ended up coming back to the states and now he's living and thriving in Boston. I miss our talks. He painted my portrait once. No one has ever found me so intriguing to want to do that but he did. It's a HUGE painting too. I'd take a picture but it's in the basement wrapped up somewhere waiting for me to get a house so I can hang it in a place of honor.

So I said all that because it's one of my most vivid memories about John and because John is having an art show. If you are in the area - Kerri? - stop by there and say hi for me, will you? Tell him I love him and miss him greatly. Some women can understand what I mean when I say it's a precious thing to build a friendship with a man with no strings attached. I can count those friendships on one hand.

The Bad and The Ugly:

This is both in one. I found out tonight that a friend of mine lost her husband. She's a budding friendship actually. She's one of the members of one of my business groups and business is what brought us together but likemindedness was leading us toward friendship.

See R - that's what I'll call her - is a daycare provider. She left a corporate job some years ago to pursue her dream of owning a daycare and she's really, really organized and creative about it. She's been building out her business preparing to take on more kids. R and I go to the same hairdresser so we saw each other there sometimes and I remember her recently talking about her young son asking to go out with her and her husband. "I told him mommy and daddy gotta have some time to play kissy face," she said. It was just the three of them but there are the kids she takes care of every day.

Apparently R's husband, who was a bus driver, was on the highway driving his bus last week when a tire fell off a truck or something, came through the windshield and killed him instantly. He is being hailed a hero for getting the passengers to safety.

When I found out, I immediately thought of myself. Sounds selfish but how do you not when our lives are so parallel? She's 30-something like me. A business owner like me. A husband with a non-traditional job lifestyle like me. But I cannot imagine what she must be going through. We were discussing her expansion plans when last we met. She and her husband were a true team and were making plans for their future in other ways. I am hurt for her. I am confused for her. I am at a loss as to what to do for her because as I said, we are a budding friendship. We haven't reached a place where we hang out at each other's home but it's one of those somewhat new relationships where you just know you can be good in each other's lives. Some friendships are meant to be distant and when those distant people come calling, sometimes you wanna hide or you sigh and reluctantly help out. That is not the case here but I will be sure to let her know that she can call on me for whatever, whenever.

Lesson for me is to move a little faster with getting my will done and make sure Mr. T. and I are in sync there. He had his done before we married and presumably altered it afterward but I've always had some other financial responsibility get in the way of my getting this done. We've talked about who will get the kids if something were to happen to both of us but it's way past time to get that on paper.

I will get my will done before the year is up. I will go to the funeral to support R when the time comes. I will pray for her and her son. I will make myself available. I just wish I had the ability to turn back time.

Have You Ever...

Stole this from YewNorkBabe who purloined it from LooneyMom who borrowed it from Lisa who lifted it from MommyBrain who got it from LifeinAShoe who got it from her real-life friend Amy but only listed the things she had actually done and I think added some of her own. MommyBrain went back to Amy to get the original. (FYI- Linking trail ends here. Like my sleuthing?)

Now I am a perfectionist and somewhat anal so what did I do? I printed the two versions and looked for differences. Yes I did. Just to make sure I wasn't missing anything. It's all good so here is the list. You simply copy and paste this mega-list and then bold the things you've done. I opted to bold it in my favorite color. Have fun!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain - does a waterfall count?
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (and survived the crush afterwards)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower2
3. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery - does 2 C-sections count?
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Joining the Army of Writers

It's official. I am going to do NaNoWriMo in November.

It was a dare.

It was a scare.

It's just another project to tear out my hair.

But darn it, I'm a'doing it.

If you have always wanted to write a novel and were afraid to do it, squash those fears and join me (and some of my writing buddies) in figuring out where I'm going to find time to write about 1,600 words EVERY SINGLE DAY until I reach the winning goal of 50,000 in a month. (I want that winner's logo!)

Here's a hard-to-read banner to entice you more and pretty up my blog even more-er! I'm sure you can save the image and make it larger for yourself if you must read it or you can just visit NaNoWriMo and see what it's all about.



Now. I have to go back to work now because I was challenged to sign up, met the challenge (go me!), worked on my profile then decided I must get my nifty not-so-little banner up immediately. See it over there at the top to the right? Isn't she lovely?

Later gators!

So Far, Still Sighted

So, I had my followup appointment with the eye doc today. The prescription he gave me worked wonders and now I'm only tearing up the normal amount! Today's visit was to see how things looked with my eyes in close-to-normal working order. Do I need glasses or not? Apparently I still see really well out the right eye but if I have to look only through my left one, things are a little fuzzy. Nevertheless, the amount of prescription necessary to improve things is so minimal, the doc wouldn't suggest glasses. So I'm off the hook - for now.

Mind you, my sight is still not what it was and I wonder if it ever will be again. Yesterday I spent a lot of time looking at the computer because this phenomenal graphic artist (the fiancee of another phenom I work with) is re-doing my business logo and I spent a lot of time staring at it onscreen and admiring it and trying to perfect it for the next round of changes. Then of course I was in the mood to write so I did and yes, I was at work all this time so I actually had to do that too, although I think I need a vacation. (No, I know I need one but I've got nothing planned for now.)

Anyway, I'm still sighted. I'm not vain - much. I just don't need the burden of having to keep up with expensive eyewear when I've got a sticky-fingered 2-year-old trolling about. I'm grateful the doc agreed. But next month I have to have the full exam. All I can see clearly right now is that I'm getting older and have to do these things a little more regularly. Age 36 is in shouting distance. Shudder. How quickly time goes.

Speaking of time. Must go meet with my business partner now!

Yet Another Plug

Today I've got a lot going on with my writing and my business and my job but I popped in momentarily to tell you guys about this new magazine in case I never have before. It's NOT for the sensitive, I admit. It's NOT for the person who faints at profanity. It IS by someone I have the growing pleasure to know. It is real and I like it. So far in this issue I've only read the story telling me to watch the bleep out of Studio 60 but I didn't need convincing on that one. I liked it instantly and that usually means a show is doomed.

The magazine is about 3-months old now and already it has it's teeth, I say. It's target is the college-agers to the mid-30somethings (maybe a little higher?). Still, I'm just making it in! (And with my recent eye concerns, I do have constant reminders these days that I'm getting older.)

It is EXIST Magazine and their motto is Enjoy It While You're Young. I think I shall. See what you think.

To Be or Not To Be

I had a fright this morning.

I've been less than 100% motivated 100% of the time when it comes to my weight loss. I tend to be gung ho, lose some weight then I kind of hang out there for a bit maintaining until I get the momentum to lose more. This past week I have not been in the mood for it AT ALL. I'm not interested in gaining either so I watched what I ate but I didn't make the effort to do what I needed to in order to lose more and I was fine with that. It's been a couple of months and 14 pounds. I probably just need a break.

Then last weekend Mr. T came home with one of my weaknesses - Pizza Hut pizza. Not just pizza mind you, it must be Pizza Hut to make me give in. I love pizza and I can eat all kinds but PH is temptation and I gave in to it Saturday as he and I watched movies and flirted all weekend. (Aside: For us, flirting looks like him copping feels when he thinks I'm not looking and me swatting him away. Men are perpetual schoolboys.)

Then I had a business meeting on Monday night where we ate dinner and I chose the best I could but I suspect there was still a lot of sodium in the food. Sodium is a sneaky SOB and unless you are looking for it, you just never know how much you are consuming. Way more than I'll bet you think you are. I haven't eaten canned food deliberately in over 6 years because of it. But I also ate a big fat brownie. Darn the weight loss right now. I know my body. I can't gain but so much, right?

I saw my weight go up about 4 ounces after the pizza and about 8 ounces after that dinner. Not unexpected. This morning I was a whole pound more than yesterday and yesterday I ate right all day. Now THAT was unexpected. The last time I had an unexplained weight gain, I was pregnant.

So I thought I'd better make sure. I accidentally missed 2 days in a row last month taking The Pill and didn't even notice it until the 3rd day but Husband's schedule tends to make it easy to track activity, if you know what I mean. So I thought I should be safe. But not too long ago I realized I missed 2 other days. What the heck is going on with me? And after this weekend? Yeah, I'd better make sure.

All morning I got the kids together and thought, "What if?" I mean we don't have our house yet and that's a bad thing. But then again it would light a fire under that man I married and that's a good thing. We're going on a cruise next August and that might get messed up, which is a bad thing. But if I were pregnant, I would have the baby in June and I'd probably be OK just in time to make it and that's a good thing. I haven't lost nearly enough weight to take on baby weight yet and that's a bad thing. But I could try to eat well and keep the weight gain to a minimum and in the end I'd really be done and when I finally reached my goal, I wouldn't have to worry about another baby anymore and that would be a great thing. But I haven't been at my job 2 years yet and that's a bad thing. But I'm also getting older and it would be good to get it done and that's an awesome thing.

The more I thought and looked at my kids and considered another one coming along - more daycare money going out, tiredness, moodiness, what would I wear? What if this time it was the twins no has had in a while? Yikes! - the more I realized that either way would be fine. After all, I've always been open to it.

Man, I hate paying for those stupid pregnancy tests because they aren't cheap but going to the doctor would cost me a $10 co-pay and I could get a cheap pregnancy test for about that much or less. And cheap would be fine because they all do the same thing and I wasn't worried in the least about it being wrong. When I am pregnant, I come on strong, you know? The test would know it before a drop hit the stick.

So I decided not to wonder all day, went to the drug store to get my prescription and oh by the way, can you ring up this pregnancy test please? As I walked up and down the aisles looking for the test, my heartbeat picked up, my insides churning with a mix of fear and excitement. Hmm. Excitement? Is that what I'm feeling? Why, yes! It would be kind of cool, after all, to get this over with and have my whole family and just get on with life.

Now where do they hide those stupid tests again? Let's see, the condoms area? Always a logical place and I think the Walgreens near home does it that way. Condoms, eye drops so you can see how to use the condom but no pregnancy test. OK, where else? Maybe where the feminine products are? But where are they? One aisle, another aisle, another aisle. Great day, what is this, an egg hunt? Oh wait, an egg hunt is what may have gotten me into this predicament in the first place. Wait! Baby products, makes sense, yes? Baby stuff, diapers, lubricants, ah, there you are! Cheap store brand please.

$11 and some change later - because I got my prescription - I practically skipped out of there with a little smile on my face. Funny how easy this gets with each baby. I stuffed it in my purse because I would be on a mission as soon as I got into work. Darn the etiquette. There was no way I was waiting until I got home. I would head straight to the ladies room and find out which direction my day would head in.

"You know, you COULD just need to go to the bathroom and that's where the pound came from."

"Yes, maybe. But can't be too safe with these things."

I told you I talk to myself a lot.

Ever take a pregnancy test? Bet you peek at the stick with one eye barely open, huh? Not this time. I watched from second one and like I said, if I were, it would show before it was completely done. I watched as the wetness slowly crawled up the stick, into the first window and creeped over to the other window - leaving a negative result behind it. I gave it some time, double checked the instructions and looked again. Yep. I'm in the clear.

"Whew!" and "Too bad" all in one.

So it is done. I can continue on as usual. And oddly enough, between the humongous girl at the grocery store check out yesterday afternoon who handled my salad and tuna like they were poison to her (We've got a little history. There's a story here for another time.) and the thought of gaining weight before I was really, really ready, I found my motivation again and hopefully it will last long enough to at least get me down to the next dress size.

Of course, the more I lose, the greater the pregnancy risk, but when you're happily married and God is allowing you to live a life of joy, how bad could that be, huh?

A Dream Inferred

I had a dream last night and it took place in the house I lived in when we were living in Philadelphia. I've had a few dreams about the house over many years and the amateur psychologist in me has surmised that this is due to the fact that age 9 was a pivotal year for me.

My brother was born a couple of months before I turned 9 and that was also the year we moved from D.C. to Philadelphia; I left the world I had known since I was born and the friends I don't even remember meeting and the private school I loved to go to a big city (compared to the long block I could never leave on my own) and attend public school. That was when I met people who knew I wasn't from Philly because I spoke differently. That was when I met kids who taunted me because I spoke "proper". (That means I can use a 3-syllable word and a verb in the same sentence.) That was also where I lived the one and only time my father threatened to leave my mother for reasons I still don't know to this day but for some reason he changed his mind and they've seemed happy ever since.

So when Ihave dreams that take place inside that house - any room in that house - I know that it means something is going on inside me because I know houses represent your psyche and in my case, because it pops up fromtime to time, I am certain of that fact. Sometimes the rooms don't look like the rooms in the house I actually lived in but I can feel it it's the same place and I've practically come to the point where my dream self realizes its significance as well.

So this morning I awoke from a really brief dream where my sister-in-law was living there - in MY house and she shared a roomwith my mother-in-law - in MY house. And the resentment was apparent in my dream, My son was there but a younger version of him (I think I merged his and my daughter in this one). There is only 1 full bath in this house (though there was a half bath downstairs too) and I ran in to go taking Son with me. She got to the door right after I went in and called my name as if to say, "Hey! I've got to get ready for work!" And it felt like it was a routine I was disrupting but in this dream I felt my inside's saying, "Hey! It's MY house! You're the intruder. YOU wait." And when we came out, Son went to his room (my brother's room in real life) to get dressed and SIL followed him trying to brush his hair or something but I woke up.

I knew what it meant. I've been here too long. I really do feel intruded upon by her because she's one of the people who has a key and comes in any old time. It's not my house but I still hate it. She's also a questionable authority figure so I always listen discreetly when shes saying things around and to my children. She'll say things like, "Black people alwaysd have trouble with money." And she'll be including herself in that statement as if it excuses her inability to handle money at the age of FIFTY. (My husband is the youngest of 5 so I've got sibling-in-laws in there 50s.) It pisses me off. And her inability to tolerate my kids' high energy level gets on my nerves too. Yes, they bug the heck out of me too when they're bouncing all over the place and won't shut up for a moment, but they are MINE. You got a problem with them, you come to ME.

Anyway, it's clear I want out of here and I feel it's holding me back from being full organized to handle all the things that are important to me. Husband is trying, so I can't beat him up. I'm not willing to move into a place that will financially squeeze us mercilessly just to escape this house o' fun. But sweet Lord, how much longer!

A friend recently told me when it happens this will feel like a blip in time and I know it to be true. Kind of like when being in a roller-coaster relationship with my then-Boyfriend felt like endless torture because I wasn't willing to walk away - permanently - and now it seems like we've been married all our lives. I know it will happen. But when my dream self starts whining about it, it's time to make something happen.

5 Weird Things About Me

Checked in and caught up with Yew Nork Babe today. She posted this meme on the 18th - OK. I give up. What DOES "meme" stand for anyway? - but I don't read everyone every day so this is good for me because it's the same week!

The task today is to share 5 weird things about myself with all the blogging world. Hmmm. You know, it's hard to think of weird things when they don't seem weird to me. Instead it's just weird that not everyone else is doing what I do. I suppose this should be easy since I'm living in my MIL's house and her ways are not my ways, but it's not coming to me easily. Probably because most of my weirdness has to do with things being in a certain order whereas most folk could not care less. Still, I'm sure there must be something else about me. Gotta think:

1 - I don't like open doors in the house. That is closet doors. Bedroom doors can be open - and SHOULD be, where the kids are concerned - no problem. But all closet doors should be shut ALLLLL the way ALLLLL the time. Mr. T has a habit of closing the bathrooom door all the way to the jamb but NOT all the way until it is shut. What's up with that? Why does he torture me this way? It's a habit now for me to stick my arm in and shut the door all the way as I pass the bathroom on the way to my room where all the closet doors are shut, thank you very much. Could be a Boogie Man/too many Stephan King stories thing. I don't know.

2 - I race myself all the time and I don't know why. If I have 1 hour to get dressed and get out the house and I know it will take me that hour to do it, I still must wash a load of clothes (because after all, the machine can be working at the same time I am getting dressed) and set dishes in the water to soak (because after all, the lazy dishes can be making it easier for me to wash them later and no, I don't like the wastefulness of dishwashers especially since I am growing two human dishwashers as we speak) and turn on the computer to do one quick email (because after all, email can be traveling in cyberspace while I'm putting my shoes on) and make up my son's bed the right way as I pass his room (because after all, he sleeps on a pullout at the moment in Nana's spare room and it always looks like a circus tent has set up camp in his bed as he drapes the sheet over the arms of the sofas, which drives me mad) and oh, gotta put the veggies on to steam too (because after all, they really don't take THAT long to cook) and as I walk out the door...darn it! It's just 10 dishes, after all. Surely I can wash them right quick? Now that I think of it, I could be just more "compulsive" than "weird" but before I find out, let me just close the blinds the right way, not the backward way everyone else in the house shuts them because after all, they look weird any other way.

3 - I don't like normal sized things to be 50 times their size. They freak me out. OK, this one is legitimately weird. I'd love to take a hot-air balloon ride one day but those huge, colorful balloons are trippy! They look like they ran into rainbows on the way up but see, rainbows belong in the sky, not down here with me. And oh yes, I DO hate normal sized balloons too. At least when they go POP! (And oh yes, again, rainbows can be trippy too if you get a brightly colored one with the full arc but I've only seen one really vibrant one in my lifetime - and in Connecticut, no less!) But those gigantic, humongo balloons? I'm shivering. But I can probably take it if it's all one color or just color in general. Just please don't put a huge face on it too! Agh!!! I don't even like to see really, really, REALLY big American flags waving about. Can you imagine getting wrapped up in one of those?

Here's a story for ya: When I was little and stayed with my grandparents in Georgia for the 3-month summer vacation kids used to get from school (at least in D.C. we did), they used to work in tobacco fields for a couple of white people. One house in particular, if I needed to go to the bathroom, I would go in the people's house (come to find out they were actually distant relatives of ours some kind of way, which I think is why they took to me the way they did) and I had to pass this enormous velvet painting of Jesus with a staff in a field surrounded by sheep. (No, this picture is NOTHING like that one.) The background was a dark blue. Now, going to the bathroom, I didn't see it - but I could FEEL it - because my back would be to it as I passed the wall it hung on. But coming back? I had to take deep breaths every time because I had to pass it to get out the house. Jesus was boring a hole in my head coming AND going! Plus, I was in the country on top of it and in the country, Jesus is always on His way back any minute now with storm clouds following and things you just did not want to live to see wiping things out before He fully arrived. (I grew up Pentecostal. Does that explain things for you? I'm Baptist now.) Anyway, I was little then and I could have made that painting my bed with room for me to stretch out and add another one of me. Oh, and yes, there was another way around that painting. If I had dipped around to the dining room, I could circle out to the front door, but Velvet Jesus was hanging out in the dining room too! At least I couldn't see Him there unless I deliberately went in so I avoided it because He had a red background in that painting. It really felt like Judgement Day then but darn it, I wasn't ready to go!

Gasp! That reminds me! (Man, I was not expecting to write this much! I must be really traumatized.) My father was not a churchgoer for all the typical excuses - "I can pray at home," "hyprocrites in the church" - You've heard it all before, I'm sure. But my church (my mother's really) was too long for me. As a kid, I just wanted to stay home and read comics in the Sunday paper. So one Sunday my father decided to go to a church he found that was close to home. It was Baptist (no, that's not why I am Baptist now) and the service was shorter and my mother said I could opt to go with him instead of hearing for 3 hours about why I'm going to hell if I don't speak in tongues. OK, she didn't say THAT part but may as well. So I happily went with him and what did they have in the church? A HUGE, I mean crazy large stained-glass window with the enormous face of black Jesus. (Never went back, but then again, neither did my father.) Thank God He was in the back and our backs were to Him. But my church today? We don't do pictures. It's sorta akin to idol worship since no one has an accurate view of Him anyway and no picture is necessary to worship His spirit. Let's just wait until we really see Him, can we? And I'll bet He'll be gentlemanly enough not to come at me like a giant. Thank you, Jesus.

OK, two more weird things about me. I promise to be brief. I've subjected you to my trauma long enough.

4 - I sometimes have full conversations with other people to myself before I actually talk to them. I like to try to guess as many scenarios as I can so I can be as prepared as possible for difficult situations. And if I didn't like the way it went, I'll have the conversation again in my head with me being thise amazingly witty person I can never seem to be on demand. There. I admitted it. I talk to myself because I'm the only one who understands me. Right, Monica? Right!

5 - Are some of my food habits weird? I tell you. I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel on this one! I like eggs and rice together. Is that weird? Is that a Southern thing, maybe? I fix oatmeal with milk, not water. If you're going to use water, why bother? But no, I don't do grits with milk. That should be water. If you're going to use milk, eat of Cream of Wheat or oatmeal, for goodness sake. I like my food room temp, not hot or cold unless it's supposed to be cold.

Well, that was harder than I thought it would be. I could have mentioned my dislike of clowns, but I did that on Theresa's blog already. And I could have mentioned my need to have things balanced but I think the compulsive stuff covered that. But if you still need to know, I can tell you that my 3rd child will be conceived in the month of September so I can have him - yes, him - in June and his birthday will be the 6th or 16th of the month. Why? Because I am regular and have C-sections so I can pick the day. But mainly because Mr. T's birthday is Jan. 4th and Son's is March 14th. The 1st and 3rd months of the year. Notice the 4? Just happened that way. And Daughter's is Oct 28th and mine is Dec. 18th, the 10th and 12th months of the year. Her 8 in her date was intentional. (The 18th wasn't available and the 8th was too early.) See, I like even numbers, not odd ones. (Hey! That can be a weird thing too, huh?) and with father and son covering the first 3 months of the year and mother and daughter covering the last 3 months of the year, I figure son number 2 can be right smack in the middle with an even number but not the SAME number as the others. Notice, my daughter is bookended by males as well. So you see, that is my definition of true balance.

How's that for weird?

What's In Your iPod?

OK. I don't own an iPod. I have no reason to walk around plugged in because that would make me vulnerable and I think that is stupid. At home, I can just put a CD in my computer or pull up Pandora. At work, I can just play a CD, iTunes or, once again, Pandora.

Mr. T and I went to see Idlewild when it first came out back in August and I loved the music but I debated about getting the soundtrack because I felt like the music I liked in the movie wouldn't be on the CD and it seems I was right. Two of the songs they performed in character I didn't see on the soundtrack but if anyone reads this and knows better, please correct me. I'd love to get those songs if they can be found. I do love Outkast - when they've together. For this, my 50th post, I did manage to download this one song because I love the beat (I wonder which HBC - Historically Black College - marching band will play it first.) and the video is wild and guess what? YouTube had it! So I thought I'd share it here with you guys (and stash it away somewhere safe for my future pleasure).

And by the way, concerning my eyes as mentioned in the previous post, it's still not clear (pun intended) if I need glasses or not but my eyes were jacked up for sure. The eye doc gave me something with a steroid in it. They were that bad but it's better already. I just have to wait two weeks to go back and see if my vision problems were a result of that or, as the doc said, "Well, you're getting older..." Yeah, yeah. Tell it to my 21-year-old mind.

Anyway, enjoy the vid, tell me what you're listening to these days, and talk at ya'll later!

Allergies or Glasses?

I'm still here - and so are my anniversary flowers, though one set is on life support right now. The poor buds are drooping like someone told them they were no longer beautiful. The other flowers will probably be as depressed by the end of the week.

I haven't been blogging because I haven't been feeling all that great. Had a cold last week that made me want to do nothing but sleep. I had to force myself to eat because I don't want to get off my weight loss track but I didn't eat everything I should. Oh well. Still lost weight. Hopefully, it won't turn around and bite me in the butt later when I go back to eating 100% of what I should.

For over a month and half now, my eyes have been bothering me big time. I assumed allergies since it was August and they were itchy, but too itchy for too long. So I went to the doctor and she gave me something that made it a lot less itchy but I was still supporting the makers of Visine all by myself plus I began not being able to open my eyes in the mornings. Literally I had to pry them open using my fingers. Fun. So I went to the clinic one Sunday afternoon and she gave me something else that took away the need to use my fingers to pry open my eyelids but there is still a little effort needed to open them. Plus I can hear myself blink sometimes and I'm teary all the time. VERY annoying.

So my hairdresser is a friend of mine and she joked me all Saturday telling me I'd need glasses. I told her what I had experienced asking her if it was possible to go from perfect vision to squinting overnight. And this after about 13 years using computers regularly - though I admit not nearly as much as I have been this past year or so. She said she had been in a meeting at work one day, looked up at something written on the board and couldn't see it. She had been experiencing everything I am now, including the glued eyelids. She found out she needed glasses. God forbid.

I just hate the thought of putting out money for something like this right now. Mr. T. and I just decided last night that we'd shoot for a balcony room on the cruise we're taking next year. Not the one he was planning for us but his nephew's wedding invite arrived last week and where will it take place? On a cruise! Change of plans! (Aside: Do you think Nephew's note told us where we were going? Nope. And he didn't know when asked! We figured it out ourselves online. Ocho Rios - already went to Jamaica for honeymoon - and Grand Cayman - new place. OK, we'll go.) So since the kids will be with my family and we were going to take a cruise anyway (and since it's on the same boat we were on for the only other cruise we've taken in life so far) we figured let's just get a room with a real view this time and that runs about $1,300 PER PERSON. And we don't plan to share. So this means we need to start saving NOW. There is just no room in my budget for glasses.

Now, my children's Godmother saw us in church yesterday and she had on her shades, telling me her eyes have been bothering her. I explained what was happening to me and she's been going through it too! Praise God! A chance I'm OK! She already went to the eye doctor and they confirmed it's allergies for her. I do hope I get the same diagnosis. But in the meanwhile, I have to look at the screen or a piece of paper and take a moment to see if there is a clearer way to see it, after I wipe away the tears, of course. My head is even hurting a little right now and I get headaches so rarely that I take nothing for them when they hit.

It may seem vain but I just hate the thought of glasses. The way I run around, I'd drop them or step on them or my daughter would steal them and hide them from me and how do you find your glasses without your glasses? I'm looking forward to going to the eye doctor tomorrow if only to bring this nonsense to an end. I go regularly - I do ALL my medical stuff regularly. Why die from something you could have prevented? - so I'm not afraid they'll say something drastic. But what if I have to wear glasses? I can't abide the thought of sticking something in my eye so I can't even think contacts as a way to avoid having one more object on my person at all times.

All this conjures images of old The Twilight Zone. You know the episode. The one with Burgess Meredith. The old man loved to read all the time. He goes into a bank vault - where he works - for a lunch break and some poetry and comes out to find out that he has survived the A Bomb. Now he has all the time in the world - oh yes! That was the name of it, I think - to read and a library full of books and oops! He drops and steps on his eyeglasses rendering himself blind as a bat AND alone in the world. OK, may be a bit dramatic, but what pressure!

Excuse me. I'm going to whine now: I have enough to contend with with my skin issues, God. Don't you agree? And even though I am losing weight - for the second time - I am real with myself and I know weight will be a lifeling battle for me. I have accepted these things. One of the few things I had was my vision and yes, it's vanity, but I always get compliments on my eyes from men and women. Glasses would hide that! I made it to 35 with no eye problems. Don't take it away from me now!

Stay tuned.